I (29 F) am buying a new condo soon because of a deal I made with my dad a year ago. If I go back to school, he will help me get a loan. I do not make that much money currently, but have good investments, and enough for a huge downpayment, like over 20 percent. We are going to do a contract for deed agreement, I am making the downpayment, he is getting the loan in his name, and I will be giving him the money to pay off the mortgage. I can pay it off as long as I have a roomate, ideally my bf (28 m)
We currently have a sweet deal living on his uncle’s property so even if we waited longer to get married and buy a place it’d would be more money anyway. I can swing the larger payment, and my bf definitely can.
He’s brought it up several times now that he hates the idea of "paying off my mortgage", even though that’s what we are doing anyway for his uncle or any other landlord. He’s said he doesn’t like that he "doesn’t have a stake" in buying the condo, but it’s a contract between my dad and I, and my dad definitely does not want to add him into the mix. (My dad even said on the phone to him that he doesn’t want him involved because it could get messy and what if we break up which was not untrue but I told my dad to not say that cuz its rude and we’ve been together 5 years and want to get married). I wish I could offer him cheaper rent but I can’t so I understand if that’s the issue, but when I say I can get a roomate he doesn’t want to do that which I get too.
I told him that I see this as a big step towards our future because me owning a place will build my equity and my assets, and it’ll help us get a bigger loan for a house together in the future. I have told him I’m only thinking of the future and I should take this generous opportunity now. I want to be able to contribute equally to a house we get in the future and I see this as a path towards that.
I told him all this and he still brings up the same arguments. He said I’m not understanding how this makes him feel, and he’s right, I don’t. If I were in his position I’d be extatic. I have no idea what he wants me to do and I can’t keep explaining the same thing over and over. I told him we are not talking about this again until I get a couples therapist for us.
Am I the asshole for doing this without him?
Edit: I have applied for and not qualified for housing programs. I make just too much for Habitat for Humanity, and not enough for local programs. It is very expensive where I live. I haven’t gotten a place yet but here are numbers on the best condo I’ve found.
-My areas average rent is over 2000 dollars
-We pay 1300 or 650 each currently not including utilities
-The condo would be 2107 or 1053 each, including HOA fee, not including utilities
The point he’s trying to make is that you’re just a girlfriend. If you or he decides to end the relationship he gets literally nothing out of investing into your property. The difference with his uncles is it seems like a renting situation. Neither of you had a stake in the property so it’s not the same. While your dad is right to not want to put your boyfriend on any legal paperwork, your boyfriend is right about not wanting to contribute to a mortgage payment he has no stake in. If anything suggests he pay some utility bills and/or groceries. At least with those bills it would be the same as if he were renting from another place. How would you feel if the roles were reversed. You’d have no guarantee that the money you invested in his property would ever benefit you in any way. That’s how he’s feeling right now.
It is not a big step for your future together. It is a big step for you that you cannot even afford. If your dad does not want him in the mix maybe he can make half the payment himself?
Woman or man, I don’t think anybody should be making payments into a mortgage where their name is not on it.
You are not an asshole for wanting to do it alone, but you are one if yoi expect him to help you fund something you cannot afford.
Idk what’s not clicking for you—he’s not willing to pay on a house he’s not on, women feel the same way when the roles are reversed. Add him to the deed or let it go. Secondly, if it’s such a problem, then you 2 need to be living in your own places anyway. Build your own assets up separately and then once married obtain NEW assets with both your names on it
Is ‘renting’ from you going to cost him more than renting from his uncle is currently costing him? If so, then he’s giving up a sweet deal to pay down your mortgage and will potentially see no benefit from it down the road. If half the mortgage is more than what he’s paying at his uncle, then I’d think it would be fair to keep it the same and not charge him more than what he’s currently paying. Why should he pay more per month so that you can build equity? THAT seems unfair and would bother me too.
Also, will you be responsible for 100% of the maintenance and any upgrades or do you expect him to chip in towards that? Also.. are you going to want a prenup if you own a property when you guys get married? And what happens when you sell the place to buy your bigger home? Are you going to want an agreement that you own X more of the property because the sale of your condo paid for more of the down payment?
I don’t really think you’re AH and I don’t think he’s an AH.. It’s just a tricky situation to be in for both parties. I view relationships very much as partnerships and this creates a pretty big imbalance.. but I also don’t recommend going into such a big purchase with a boyfriend/girlfriend either.
YTA why would he be paying if he does not have a stake in the ownership? you sound soooo entitled
YTA for wanting him to pay more rent so you can build equity on a condo you can’t afford.
He’s risking way more than you. He’s paying your bills for your house that he gets nothing out of. You say you’re doing it all for your future, but that can change. Frankly, if you can’t see where he’s coming from, you aren’t ready to be married. YTA. What you want is unreasonable.
YTA – You should not be buying a condo that you can’t afford. You should not expect help paying for a condo that your boyfriend has no stake in. What does he have to be ecstatic about? That his money is putting you in a better financial situation while doing nothing for him? This is an entirely one sided arrangement.
YTA. How much does he pay now? Why should he pay more because you are choosing to purchase a condo that is your asset alone? And it’s not even in your name so even if you got married he would have no claim to it unless your dad added his name. He would be a chump to pay you 50% of your DAD’S mortgage.
He’s upset because from his point of view, this change makes his situation worse while benefiting you. Right now he has a very good deal living on his uncle’s property. Moving into your condo would mean paying more money, and that extra money would go toward your mortgage and your equity, not something he shares in. So naturally he’s asking himself: *why would I choose to pay more for nothing?*
Even though relationships aren’t purely transactional, people still look for some form of fairness or benefit. In this case, it may feel to him like he’s being asked to financially support a decision that mainly advantages you. The future argument (“this helps us later”) may not feel convincing if the present arrangement leaves him worse off. Coupled with the “you might break up” narrative from your dad, that can leave someone a little rattled.
Another big issue is that the decision-making process seems to have happened between you and your dad, with the expectation that he will adapt afterward. From his perspective, he raised concerns but they didn’t change anything. That can make someone feel unheard and powerless, especially when the decision affects their finances and living situation.
You absolutely have the right to buy the property and take the opportunity. But what he may be reacting to is the sense that the decision is already made and he’s being asked to choose between going along with it or creating conflict. In other words, he’s not just reacting to the condo he’s reacting to feeling like the choice is being made *for him*.
You may not be a total AH for buying it, but you are a little bit of an AH for not trying to understand the position you are putting him in, and not acknowledging that his feelings on this are perfectly valid. Are there no other options? Could you rent the place out to cover the mortgage and stay where you are for now? As in, treat it like an actual investment property? Can you offer him a better deal with the rent?
YTA
If he doesn’t want to pay any “rent” to you, then he can continue to pay it to his uncle. You need a roommate to pay rent.
YTA.
The arrangement with your dad can cause you more grief later if it’s not really carefully structured. There can be huge tax penalties as well as a dispute over ownership. Have you even consulted an attorney or talked to a financial expert to make sure this will work? You need to meet with a real estate attorney, a tax specialist and be aware condos can have HOAs with strict rules around non-deed owners not living on the property.
If you plan to get married why wouldn’t you wait until you are ready and buy a place together? You aren’t married and it is not a sound decision for your bf to pay half the mortgage on the place, especially if he can save so much more staying where he is and paying less.
There are also rules on mortgages around where the down payment can came from. Typically a down payment can not be a loan so your father might need you to document it legally as a gift, which would then require you to acknowledge he doesn’t have to pay you back and you may have to also legally document that you have no right to the property. This means you have no claim if anything between you and your father goes wrong and just do a search online for how often things like this do actually go wrong.
None of this is recommended or sound to do.
Your plan is horrible. Your interest rate will be higher if you yourself are not on the loan – your dad should co-sign instead so you can get an owner occupied loan which has a much lower interest rate. 2nd you can’t afford it so it’s just a bad idea.
You’re a 29 yr old child. Buying a house together, with all the legal rights and obligations that entails, is typically something that married couples do. You are doing so with your dad instead. If roles were reversed and his mother was helping him buy a house and was insisting that you not be in the mix, you wouldn’t be ecstatic, almost assuredly you’d be upset that he’s a 28 year old mama’s boy. Plus, his uncle has been giving you “a sweet deal”, but you and your dad “can’t offer (your bf) cheaper rent”. In hindsight, his uncle should have given only your bf a sweet deal and charged you full market rent. If I were the bf, I’d run, and let you and your dear daddy live happily ever after.