A little context:
My parents divorced shortly after I got married the first time. First marriage for my mom and second for my dad. Both parents are now on their third marriages (don’t worry, this isnt a "my mommy and daddy should be together" situation. They needed to divorce DECADES before they finally did.) My mom cheated on my dad while she was helping me get ready for my first wedding. She stored my wedding things at the guy’s house (he was a neighbor we had known for years) and would tell me WAY more information than what I needed to know about his "abilities" like we were teenage girls talking about boyfriends. When she and my dad separated, he started talking to an old flame from when he was younger. Her husband had just died and my mom had already left. Fast forward to after they divorced, both of them were in new relationships. However, my mom has taken on the "scorned woman" role and claimed my dad – not her – was the one who cheated and "tossed her aside" (conveniently forgetting that I was front-row for her affair). Now, every event we have had since then (my college graduation, my sister-in-law’s college graduation, other events between mutual friends/family, even a funeral) my mom makes snide comments, rude/sour faces and is just generally snarky when they are around and makes sure to tell everyone that his wife is the "other woman". My dad and his wife never say anything about her at those events and try to steer clear of her as much as possible to keep the peace.
Now to the issue at hand:
My wonderful fiance and I got engaged last year. 5 years after my divorce from a narcissist. I want to celebrate with friends and family but do not want to deal with the drama of my mother at my wedding. I bounced the idea off my brother of eloping with just he and my sister-in-law and maybe some of my fiance’s family (who are AMAZING). He completely understands where I am coming from but said that the drama will be there one way or another because my mom will 100% play the victim if I dont invite her (even if I dont invite my dad either). We both agree my dad would be disappointed but would understand. So, I want to know what do yall think? Would I be TA if I got married and didnt invite my parents?
No matter what you do, your mom is going to make drama. So why not have exactly what you want? Have exactly the wedding you want, invite everyone but your mom, and if she tries to make a fuss, you can tell people the truth: she was the one who cheated, and she makes every event they both attend unpleasant. Her lack of invitation is directly because she can’t be polite and cordial for a single evening, and you decided you weren’t going to have her nasty sniping at your wedding. If she could grow up and stop dragging her grudges around, you’d be happy to have her at events, but she has spent the past however many years causing drama at family events and you’re done letting her.
I do recommend getting security for the day of, so you have someone ready to keep her out and deal with her tantrum if she decides to try to crash the party. Make sure that your wedding coordinator and security have pictures of her and know that they absolutely should call the police to escort her off if she won’t leave on her own. You can even tell her in advance that this is what will happen, if you think it might get the drama over before the wedding.
NTA.
Truth here
This is it. Excellent advice.
This is such the right answer.
It might be overly optimistic of me to suggest talking with your mom beforehand and asking if she can attend an event where she can focus on what’s happening and leave the past in the past.
NTA – I agree with the other person who said no matter what you do she will be a drama queen. You need to measure if the drama will be more for you for the rest of your life if she doesn’t attend the event or less.
Tough choice for you OP, I wish you and your fiancé the best in your upcoming nuptials.
“but said that the drama will be there one way or another because my mom will 100% play the victim if I dont invite her” .. **YES. There will be drama if you don’t invite mom – But it won’t be AT YOUR WEDDING.**
And: **Don’t punish your dad for mom’s behavior: Elope. Invite dad. Don’t invite mom.**
**Make sure to let her know the reason.** Don’t keep the peace, call her out for causing drama. PRotect your wedding.
No
Sure elope if you want but why punish your Dad for no reason?
Have a small wedding, invite who you want and don’t invite your Mom.
It sounds like whatever you do, there will be drama. So choose when you want that to happen and what you want to be drama free and tell your mom afterwards.
You will be the AH if you punish your dad for your mums behaviour. He didn’t cheat, he doesn’t cause drama yet he’s going to miss out on his daughters weddings for things he hadn’t done.