Reddit, I (late 20s F) live with my roommate (early 20s F). We became friendly and decided to live together, but over time it’s become a lot more stressful than I expected.
She’s an international student and very busy and stressed, but she’s also not very consistent with shared responsibilities. Things like leaving laundry in the basement, forgetting to restock toilet paper or water, and not always keeping the kitchen or common areas tidy have been recurring issues. I often end up feeling like I’m the one who has to notice and handle things just so the apartment stays functional.
I’m already tired from work and my own responsibilities, and coming home to a messy or disorganized space makes me feel overwhelmed. Over time, this built a lot of resentment, even though I know she isn’t trying to be inconsiderate.
I also know I didn’t handle this well. I didn’t directly sit her down and explain how much this was affecting me. Instead, I kept everything inside and vented privately. Now I’ve emotionally shut down and mostly stay in my room. When we’re in shared spaces, I don’t really talk or engage with her. Or I try to ignore her or reluctant to be in shared space if there’s her. I’m not being openly rude tho.
She seems uncomfortable and probably hurt by this since we used to be so close, but I also feel drained and don’t know how to act normally when I’m this frustrated.
So AITA for pulling back and not engaging with my roommate instead of trying to talk things out?
NTA. You’re not wrong for protecting your energy when you’re burned out. Avoidance isn’t ideal, but it’s a very human response after resentment builds up. That said, this is one of those “no villains here” situations, she’s stressed, you’re overwhelmed, and communication just didn’t happen soon enough. If you want the living situation (or friendship) to improve, a calm, practical convo about shared responsibilities
is still the best move. But needing space right now doesn’t make you an asshole.
ESH
Shutting down isn’t going to make things better. Talking might, especially with a conversation about how both of you are struggling with your different stressors and how its impacted your living space and how thats impacted your relationship.
Um yeah YTA. Or even ESH. Just talk to her, tell her she needs to pick up after herself in your shared spaces. That’s how being roommates works, you both work on your situation until it’s something that works for you both. Everyone comes from a different background and thinks different things are acceptable, so she’s not going to know what your issue is unless you state it directly. She’s being a baby by not taking care of yalls space properly, and you’re being a baby by being passive aggressive and avoidant instead of having a quick conversation and clearing everything up.
Saying those uncomfortable things is hard but part of being an adult. Be an adult and use your voice. NAH yet
**INFO**: Did you set ground rules when you started living with her? It really depends on how long you’d known her prior to this point, but I would generally say that if you haven’t known someone for ages, or seen how they live, it’s good to start the tenancy with some explicit expectations: how clean you like to keep things, what to do when you run out of stuff, do you want a cleaning rota, etc etc.
If those ground rules weren’t clear, you can see how your flatmate would perhaps feel like there was nothing she needed to do. Restocking water – if you live somewhere that does not have potable water on tap – is probably the worst offender here. Was she apologetic when you restocked things for her, or did it go without note?
Perhaps reach out to a mutual friend (or just a friend) on this? Everyone has different barometers about cleanliness and flatshares, so a soundboard could be good. Then, if you do decide to start a conversation with your flatmate about these issues, you can feel confident in your approach.
ESH because you’re in your late 20s and you haven’t learned to communicate like an adult.
So yes, if there’s any doubt, you’re an A for just assuming your roommate would know what’s bothering you, what she’s doing wrong in your mind, and how to improve.
You’d better learn this skill before a relationship—you can’t just shut down and then assume that it’ll be fixed.
Learn to communicate. You have a mouth for a reason, open it sometimes. You can ignore people when you’re 5 not 20.
ESH
You should learn how to communicate with roommates, friends and lovers, among others.
When someone does something that bothers you, it’s OK to take time to gather your thoughts and emotions.
But eventually, you need to approach them in a respectful way and tell them how their actions affected you. This will help you in all areas of dealing with other people.
Grow up and use your words. Yta cuz she ain’t a mind reader and your standards for clean aren’t everyone else’s. Have a conversation
Yeah YTA use your words
NTA but shutting down instead of communicating can be linked to not having what you say taken seriously. Likely stemming from childhood.
You need to break this cycle and understand that not everyone will react with anger or resentment for laying out your thoughts.
Try writing it out to her and explain why it was difficult to communicate but now you are trying to do so. If she wont hear you or try to change, then you know what you need to do when it’s time to renew the lease.
Here’s a thought did you ever think to just maybe TALK to your roommate about it instead of going online and hiding in your room?
Is this what you do to your teachers if you disagree with an issue or adults in your life? Are you going to just forever hold in all your feelings till it blows up and then ask “why did it turn out that way?”, Are you going to be employed in the future and have conflicts at work and just ignore it?
I don’t really understand why you’re on reddit writing a post before you’ve even tried talking to her. Maybe understand that you’re all students and under stress and if YOU are the one so upset because of the apartment being dirty and that it happens.
The fact that your entire response is to internalize it, and then ask people are you the AH instead of just talking to your roommate speaks VOLUMES.
Have some courage please and realize that interpersonal relationship is a skill and you need to use it to get better at it. Same with your roommate. This isn’t all on you.