Just like the title says, my mil keeps buying gifts just for my daughter, (K 5yrs). We also have a son (B 18mo).
My husband works in the same city as his parents, often they’ll give him a present to bring home for our daughter. Lately this has started to bother me because they NEVER get anything for B. I mean, he is a baby but he’d still enjoy bubbles or stickers.
The past two weeks they have sent 3 gifts to just my daughter. Today it was a full set of paintable ceramic nativity scene. I told K she needed to pick 2 of the pieces (out of 8) for B to paint because they needed to share it. She was totally fine with this.
When my husband got up (he works graves) he was excited about the nativity and asked me if K had seen it. I said “Yes, but this is one of 3 gifts she’s gotten in the last weeks and your parents haven’t gotten anything for B. I’m just a little perturbed about it.”
He said “Well B doesn’t need anything because he’s just a baby. I’m sure they want to get him something.”
I kind of just brushed that off and walked away. Well when we came back from the store my husband had already left for work and the nativity is gone. I texted him asking If he took it and that I didn’t mean to insinuate that they couldn’t have it, that they had already planned to share it.
He’s now ignoring me and saying I’m in the wrong for telling his mother that she can’t give K gifts.
Some background:
1- our son was “supposed” to have been named after his dad who is a 5th generation 1st boy with the same name. We decided not to name him that. That is something that we had talked about when dating, and my husband said he wasn’t fond of the name, AND we both agreed on and like B’s name. My FIL was very upset.
2- my MIL wasn’t able to have more than my husband and has been OBSESSED with my daughter from day 1. I’ve had to lay down some firm boundaries because she was signing her up for dance classes, setting up playdates with people I didn’t know, taking her to see Santa for the first time, etc etc.
3- we stopped by over the summer (kids and I stayed in the car) to pick something up. MIL came to K’s side with a big present and gushing over her. When we were about to leave husband rolled down the window on B’s side and asked his parents if they wanted to say hi. They said no and walked back in the house.
I don’t think I’m in the wrong for voicing my concerns about them playing favorites. But my husband and in-laws are treating me like I’m the problem. AITA?
I don’t think it’s that weird because your son is a baby. However, I just feel like it’s basic decency that you get the parents a gift for the son too? I don’t know if it’s anything petty, but if it continues as he gets older then yes I would be concerned
NTA. I can understand giving more to a 5 y/o because she probably has more interests and things she is able to enjoy, but 3-0? Grandma is very obviously playing favorites. But I think your husband’s reaction is more concerning. You didn’t even say anything directly to his mother nor did you say she can’t give presents to your daughter. There was no reason for him to take away the gift.
NTA. This is concerning behavior and should be nipped in the bud. No need for either kid to notice that granny has favorites, and notice they will. Right now you can contain it but if it becomes ingrained then it will blow up someday.
If it were just the paintable nativity then I would say, well, that’s very definitely not a gift for an 18 month old, and it makes sense they’d get it for a 5 year old. But it’s part of a pattern and a bad one at that.
It’s actually even more concerning that your husband doesn’t seem to be able to grasp how this is wrong. It’s his job to manage his family, and if he can’t see blatant favoritism, that’s a problem.
My dad used to do this to my oldest. He would buy my oldest a gift and not my middle (who was the youngest at the time). In my opinion, 18 months is old enough to realize they are being left out. My 11 month old mostly notices when he is being left out. I would always make my oldest share and eventually my dad caught on, but he was also giving the gifts directly while we were all together.
Edit: Oops.. didn’t realize what sub I was on. NTA
Nta. You keep referring to your son as a baby (and I get it I still call my 9 yo my baby) but he’s a toddler! He has personality and presumably walk and babbles and forms bonds and has object permanence. He’s forming relationships with the people around him. The favoritism towards his sister will eventually become a rough spot and your in laws are defining their relationship with him. He’s a person that may not be able to express it but does have very big feelings. Good luck setting this boundary it’s a tough one for some grandparents.
I personally think that your ILs are still mad and butt hurt that you guys didn’t name B after FIL, so in retaliation, they’ve decided to subtly ignore him. If you’d chosen to give him FIL’s name, I have no doubt this would be going on.
Them walking away and declining to even speak to the baby should have been your first, major indicator.
You need to clue your husband in that this is likely the biggest contributing factor to their indifference to your son. If it continues, then you need to put your foot down and not allow them to have contact with either of your children. How dare they hold an innocent baby accountable for actions chosen by his parents! You guys were well within your rights not to name him that name, but your ILs are being petty and being passive aggressive to you and your husband by ignoring your son. NTA.
Oh heck no! Your husband is siding with his parents and potentially emotionally damaging his both of his children, husband needs to see a therapist about the situation. Daughter even at her age is able to see that she is being favored over the baby. If your son doesn’t see it now he will notice very soon that sister is getting gifts and he is getting nothing. The “mine! “ Stage starts before age 2 and your child will notice very soon. Regardless of my husband’s opinion I would make sure son starts getting equal gifts of daughter doesn’t get to keep her gifts. You are allowing your daughter to grow up entitled and favored and your son to be treated as a nonexistent part of your family. Both kids are going to be hurt and it’s up to husband to address the behavior. If husband won’t then protect your children. Your in laws are behaving terribly. NRA
Three of my children were adopted and treated as less than by grandparents, so contact was reduced. Then we found bonus grandparents who treated our children equally.
NTA but this needs to be handled by your husband, not you. It’s his family and he needs to lay down the law yesterday
NTA but your spouse is and so are his parents
Started sounding like YTA, but the background changed it to NTA
Genuinely, some people prefer to wait till kids are a bit more understanding of the concept of a “present” before giving a present, but this one ain’t that – it’s clearly about the name.
NTA. Their favoritism is gross. What’s even more gross is that your husband is cosigning on their behavior. I’d keep both kids away from them as much as possible. The older your son gets he will notice he’s being excluded.
NTA. It would be one thing if the gifts were the only issue. That could be explained by the age difference. But that story about you and the kids in the car? Absolutely not. They’re acting like one kid doesn’t exist at all. Whether it’s sexism or anger about his name, it’s terrible.
I hope you can get your husband on the same page as you before your son starts to really feel the difference.
NTA. Theyre being weird. Almost like they want you know the baby isnt as loved by them, because you didnt name him after grandpa/dad. Petty grandparents indeed.
NTA
Given your added context, it’s obvious your in-laws are favoring your daughter for whatever reason. Your son might not notice it now, but he will start to notice it soon. I would stop accepting gifts from them.