We’ve been together (M25/F24) for a few years now and we live together. She and I both have credit card debt and I cover most of the living expenses (rent, bills, car payments). And in return, she covers the grocery expenses (food, toiletries, etc) we based this off of equity because she’s in school working part time, and I work full time.
We repeatedly have arguments because we currently live paycheck to paycheck with some weeks being so tight that we can only afford to commute to work/school and whatever is left in the fridge for the week. We have no room for savings or any sort of emergency fund. I want her to work with me to cut back on unnecessary expenses so we can have a little more financial stability/freedom. We are both at the point where our credit cards are nearly maxed out and im scared that it’ll be a slippery slope to even more debt if she doesn’t figure it out. She doesn’t seem to think saving money for a rainy day is a concern or the fact that if I miss one day of work, I may not be able to afford next month’s rent. I feel like I’m going insane when she tells me that we are not poor and that I need to stop worrying about it so much. I love her and I really need her to understand how precarious our situation really is.
EDIT: After reading some of the comments, she is aware of our credit debt and I have attempted to sit with her and have a calm discussion but whenever I do, she shuts down the conversation asap and says she cannot/won’t talk about money because it makes her feel stressed which I can understand. It is a stressful topic to discuss but I feel like she should be able to work through it with me instead of feeling like she’s alone in this.
Half of my income is commission based so by missing one day of work, I’m potentially losing a good chunk of my paycheck that I might really need if we have a slow month regardless if my expenses are fixed or not. Her portion of the expenses do fluctuate a little bit but largely stays within +-$150. Hope that clears up any confusion
I saw the comment about developing a spreadsheet and presenting it to her which is incredibly helpful! I’ll start keeping track of expenses.
Have you sat down together and put your budget on paper? Like laid it out bill by bill and expense by expense?
I don’t have a great sense of money because it feels really abstract. The best way I could get a handle on things was to make myself a spreadsheet where I wrote everything out so I could SEE what money had to go where and what was left over.
I would do some research on what some realistic emergency expenses could come up-like having to go to urgent care, needing new brakes, replacing a lost phone, or something along those lines, whatever is likely to happen. And then lay out how much that’s likely to cost and show what would happen to your spread sheet if you suddenly had a $30 medical bill to pay each month.
This this this.
Have a serious conversation with her and have *her* figure out how to redo the budget with an emergency expense after showing/explaining it to her. That lets her see in real time how bad that would be for you both, and lets her see some of the mental load you’ve been carrying regarding the finances.
Also: if she *doesn’t* change after that conversation, or just doesn’t care? I know this seems like Reddit’s go-to response for issues, but I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship. Because any massive disagreements like this now are not going to resolve themselves over time unless *both* people want them to. There’s a reason financial issues are one of if not *the* biggest relationship breaker these days. Like it or not, we live in a society where our finances are our future.
NTA for being concerned about your financial well being. Most people live paycheck to paycheck and the economy is crap. My reply will stand for anyone in a financial bind, but is important to note that I am not a financial advisor.
Almost maxed out credit cards tells me that there is no budget or the one you have now isn’t working for you. There are plenty of strategies out there, but find one that works for your household. This looks different for a vast majority of people.
The poverty line varies depending on country and location within that country based off median household income against average living expenses for that area. If you want to know for certain if you are poor, that would be a good place to start. If you consistently rely on the credit card to ‘fill the gaps’, I would say that a serious look at finances needs to happen ASAP. If you don’t, still ASAP, but with a little less urgency. The economy is predicted to get worse before it gets better.
NTA She is in denial and doesn’t want to accept that you are one missed paycheck away from financial disaster. You need to decide if this is what you want the rest of your life to look like.
NTA – you are right, it’s unsustainable.
INFO
Does she SEE the bills and your bank accounts? She can call it what she wants, but she can’t ignore…math.
Put it in a spreadsheet…there are many templates available out there. Fixed costs (rent, insurance, cars, utilitiies, etc that don’t change each month) then variable expenses (groceries, household, entertainment, eating out, clothes, etc) Log a few months worth of your expenditures from your debit cards and credit cards, then add your income. If your cards are maxed out, then your expenses (fixed and variable) equal more than your income.
She can’t ignore that this can’t go on for long. Ask her to show what happens a few months out when now you have an extra cost of interest on thiese credit cards which is just giving hte bank money for NO reason.
Better yet, sit down with a financial advisor/planner and get an objective person to tell her ‘you can’t keep going on like this…here are ways you can cut down.
A huge eye opener for me was doing a 6-month log of our spending. We spend SOOOO much on eating out (not just restaurnants but coffee, snacks, take out) and didn’t realize what a huge chunk it was taking out of our accounts. She’s probably scared or doesn’t want to admit it but facts are facts. Time for you to take control or mabye suggest you can’t live with her if she can’t carry her share of the rent. She needs to wrap up school (is she in a program or just kind of waffling?) Or she needs to take out student loans to cover her share of the free ride she’s getting with you.
100% NTAH!!! This is definitely a concern and I don’t think she understands the consequences of not having a plan. It sounds like you are doing the best you can, given the circumstances, and you need to get her on the same page. Sitting down with her would be the best start. Approach it as a very calm, casual conversation maybe starting with “hey I’ve been looking at our finances and trying to plan for what we can do, how we can grow, etc.”
I know how hard it is to talk about money but she needs to be mature enough to have a sit down convo.
I don’t think she doesn’t understand as much ad she just thinks you’ll take care of it.
Have you shown her how much you guys are paying in interest on the credit cards? That might be a wake up call. Personally, I’d be donating plasma or picking up any extra hours you can and paying off your credit card bill. Yours, not hers. This is not a person who you can safely combine finances with. She may need to suffer some consequences and pay some “stupid tax” as my mother calls it, to learn how to manage her money.
If all else fails, you may need to tell her that if y’all can’t get the finances in order and get on the same page, you can’t see a future with her long term.
NTA
NTA. It’s not completely uncommon for a 24-year-old to think they’re invincible and everything is going to work out just fine (particularly if that’s been their life experience up to this point), but it’s not fair that one person in the relationship has to be the adult while the other just lives blissfully unaware. As an initial step, try framing it differently than being poor, for some it’s a trigger that they just refuse to identify as regardless of how true it is. But your finances obviously aren’t healthy, and at some point, if she doesn’t understand that, it’s going to be a big problem for your relationship going forward.
NTA for wanting to improve your financial situation, including paying off debt and saving for the future. It may benefit you both to take a budgeting class or call an agency to help you reduce your cc debt. You gf may have a different definition of ‘poor” than you do. Maybe you can rephrase your concerns and set goals for each month. Like, this month we are going to pay the minimum payment + $200 towards our debt. It may help to curb spending. Just a word of caution that difference on finances can cause relationship breakdown. Its important you both get on the same page. If gf is fine with forever debt and no savings ever, you may wish to rethink if this relationship is going to work. Which is why I think some classes (not Dave Ramsey classes) could help you both learn to manage your finances together better.
If she won’t talk about it, there’s no way to make a plan together. Honestly, a simple spreadsheet showing how tight things are might hit different than just talking.
NTA, but cutting back on food and toiletries is hard since that is technically considered necessary spending. But there are ways to cut back on the dollar amount you spend without going hungry or eating like crap.
I agree that putting all of your expenses in a line is a good idea so that you both can feel more motivated. Try giving her some numbers, sit her down, and be patient with her if she doesn’t take it well at first. It doesn’t mean she isn’t trying. A lot of women are just conditioned to think differently about money, so please for the love of god be consistent with showing her the numbers. She will figure it out. And it is good to learn.
When it comes to groceries, I would go for stuff like potatoes since they are often cheap, calorie dense, and last a long time. Do not let your produce rot, like seriously plan your meals around diminishing waste. Whole food bagels are a charm, and oranges are often healthy and somewhat cheap. I would look into bulk wholesale stores that sell to restaurants. Look into coupons and prioritize making food from what you have in your fridge. Maybe make some sauerkraut (dummy cheap and healthy). Try reusable toiletries products. Maybe you or her have thought of that already. I was dummy broke in college and still kind of am, so I know how tricky it is.
On your end, be patient. Ask her questions about her dollar amounts. Make sure she brings home receipts from the grocery store. And you can always go to the food pantry, worst case scenario. I don’t know your whole situation but it sucks to be broke. But broke is temporary. Keep working at it you two!! Sending love
If math isn’t working try emotion “I am terrified about it situation. I am losing sleep because I am so concerned. Can you help me come up with a plan to get ahead of this?” Nta
For what it’s worth, you sound very rational and reasonable. We all know couples #1 fight is about $$. There are many good budgeting apps and perhaps that could take some bad guy off of you. Perhaps her not wanting to deal with dollars is a way to avoid acknowledging your financial value. Wake up and smell the coffee, sister.
NTA. If talking about it stresses her out, ask her what it would feel like to carry the weight of the burden alone because her partner refused to engage with the problem. That’s the position you’re in. Might be time to make some executive decisions like downgrading to a worse place, moving in with more people or family and letting her know she doesn’t have to come with you, but you can’t subsidise her if she’s refusing to be realistic about the situation.