I recently moved into a household with two men–I am a female, former military, and have a large dog who is a good boy but had a firework shot AT him so is skittish around noise. I moved in several weeks ago, he has been here a few days (so the stress wouldn’t bother him).
My roommate recently popped a bottle of prosecco. My dog thought it was a firework and tried to flee the house (doesn’t recognize this as his home yet). I have spent a lot of time with behaviorists to work on his fear, so I stood up to ensure the door wasn’t open and calmly told the roommate "Hey, just a heads up–that really scared him. He may be fearful of you or the kitchen for awhile and we just need to remain calm so he knows its okay." He started to say something, and I didn’t really register what tbh because I was watching my dog, so I said hang on let me put him in the room. (I said the first thing that came to mind merely to keep my dog aware I was calm.)
I came back and said "hey, may I ask if you know how to open them quietly?" And he snapped yes, but it just opened by itself and "you know I can, we opened bottles this week when your friends were over." And I said, I didn’t really pay attention to who opened them, can I just confirm how you did it? (He drinks a LOT of prosecco, so I felt I needed to ask). And he said it just "went off." I was like, I hate to push this but you know to apply downward pressure and twist? He snapped again, and I said okay well maybe we talk about this later. (Now, later my other roommate told him that if you open the net, they can pop by themselves, so you have to open them right away…so he didn’t open it right.)
I wasn’t sure what drove him snapping at me–I thought it was related to something else I did. I texted him I apologize, I wasn’t sure what that was about but I clearly came on too strong and would give him space. I said I would stop inviting people over and we didn’t have to share food, and that we basically could start over but I requested the right to advocate for my dog since he couldn’t.
Maybe half an hour later, he asked to talk to me and started on about how it was an accident that I should know that because I was nearby and he knows he can open bottles. I was like either way I needed to ask for his sake and it wasn’t a big deal, and he started saying I wasn’t respecting HIS trauma…that he doesn’t do well with loud noises. (He was acting as if he was a war survivor with PTSD.) I was flabbergasted but said it’s okay, no big deal, I just had to ask you–clearly not the right thing because he started getting angry, and I said I need to ask you to calm down, he’s next to me and I want him to associate positive emotions with you and this isn’t helping. He lost it–said don’t tell me to calm down, and I was like okay well maybe we should continue this later? He snapped "Oh now you don’t have time for me" and stormed off. He won’t talk to me, and when I wished him merry Christmas he blatantly ignored me. What happened?
YTA. Your question about “do you know how to open them quietly” is a bit aggressive. Also while he may be fibbing about his trauma, he may not. Trauma doesn’t only come with being in the military
YTA, you were like a dog with a bone. You asked he answered and you still kept digging in. You said he drinks a lot of prosecco, but this is the first time it’s popped like that so he does know how to open them. Guess what mistakes are going to happen. Maybe a shared living space is not right for you or your dog.
YTA. “Do you know how to open them quietly?” followed by “this is how you do it” is most definitely not a great start. Then, telling him to calm down when he is obviously worked up? Jeesh. Also – just because you’re fmr military doesn’t make you the gatekeeper on noise-related PTSD/triggers.
What happened? You were so focused on being an advocate for your dog that you didn’t even stop to have an actual conversation, which in reality, could have avoided this whole thing.
Don’t forget talking shit on him with the third roommate to confirm first roommate opened the bottle “wrong.”
OP’s de-escalation skills track with being former military 😂😂
YTA it is unreasonable of you to expect your dog’s trauma to govern the household. You were rude as hell. Then you started telling him to calm down after *you* kicked up a stink. When has telling someone angry to calm down ever worked?
I’m certain you expect reddit to validate you because doggo, and your unsubtle insinuation that your flatmate drinks too much, but unless you want people to start calling you a liar about your dog, you should probably hold your tongue about trauma. Your dog didn’t go through a war either.
Live alone if you want other people to treat your dog as the arbiter of their actions.
ESH. You say he drinks a lot of prosecco and it sounds like this is the first time it banged, so you grilling him like he’s incompetent is infantilizing. I used to be a cater waiter and often had to open a dozen bottles a night for weddings – sometimes they’re over pressurized and go off, even if you’re extremely experienced and careful. I don’t know exactly what you said to minimize his trauma in person, but you minimized it in your post implying war is the only justifiable source of PTSD. So I completely buy that in addition to assuming he can’t open a bottle properly, he can’t possibly understand how serious trauma is without going to war or getting shot with a firework.
Him flipping out about you asking for time to calm down is pretty childish though. I’d be exasperated dealing with someone who thinks my feelings aren’t worth becoming uncalm about, but you don’t fix things by stonewalling.
ESH, the bottom issue here is that your dog isn’t fit for a roommate living situation. Everything else, it was a really strange situation you described us here.
Your demands around your dog aren’t reasonable, you can’t expect the rest of the household walking on eggshells and adapting to your dog’s trauma, and you were really pushy and condescending about the bottle when your roommate had clearly stated from the beginning that it had been an accident.
Your roommate on the other hand sounds exhausting as well, throwing tantrums and unable to communicate or just let go.
YTA. You asked if he knew how to open the bottle quietly; roommate confirmed you KNOW he can because he has in the past and this was an accident. You then decided to act like his dad and treat him like a child and explain how opening a bottle quietly works 🙄
ESH . You were very patronizing to him. And he was triggered. He overreacted and was immature and mean back to you. But why did you keep on going on about the damn bottle?
ESH – he wasn’t that nice either, but the way you came at him asking if he could open the bottle more quietly seemed a little aggressive. you shouldn’t really be in this sort of living situation if it’s going to be bad for you dog either and while it would be hard to find somewhere to live alone in this economy, it’s still not fair to expect everyone else to cater to your dog when you are living in a shared space with other people. your dog is also your responsibility and clearly this isn’t the right place for you and your dog.
YTA for moving into a home with roommates with your dog who is skittish around noise. You have roommates, there will be unexpected noises. You cant control your roommates because of your dog, if your dog is that traumatized you should move into your own place or one bedroom where you can control the space. YTA too for downplaying PTSD, people have it for a variety of reasons (not just war). People have been abused, witnessed or been victims of gun violence, been in car crashes, lived through natural disasters, etc.
YTA. Pursuing the line of questioning to that degree was both unnecessary and obnoxious. Not to mention your smarmy comment about “being right”. Wow, you sure put him in his place. Enjoy your tense living situation with your reactive dog.
YTA did…. Did you just mansplain how to open a bottle??
YTA. It was an accident, he acknowledged that he will try in the future to do it quietly, but… you kept at him anyway? Should have just said, “thanks a lot, i appreciate you understanding!” You would have gotten a much better response.