I’m returning to Australia for uni as a domestic student after living overseas for the past 9 ish years, and we’re now at the stage where we need to start looking for uni accomodation.
Having already lived there from July-November last year to get a feel for navigating everything independently, I actually was more than prepared and capable of handing eveurhting alone. I planned to take out student loans and work about 3 days a week on my days off to pay my rent an other necessities and all would be fine. In like, less than 3 months of working have managed to sustain myself independently while saving up a couple thousands. Absolute worst case scenario and probably my last resort, if I ever needed a bit of money here and there, I had my parents to fall back on.
But my parents insisted that I let them fund me and that their whole lives, they’ve only worked for their children so why wouldn’t they contribute? They don’t even want me to take student loans or work and want me to focus solely on studies (will not be doing that because I never want to be financially dependent on someone else every again). If they really insist, amazing. Then fees + rent, they can handle and everything else like transport, phone bills, groceries, etc. I’ll do myself. My dad also is physically travelling with me to Australia to help me w/ setting up there despite me repeatedly saying I can do it myself
Except now he wants me to first temporarily move into a hostel that’s 2 buses and 1 hr+ trip away from my uni on the other side of the city for 1-2 months, just because it’s a little cheaper and not a commitment since I wouldn’t be bound by a long lease. This means each day, I’d be commuting around 3 hrs assuming none of my buses are late or no-shows. They don’t want me to work because it’ll be disruptive to my studies, but are fine with me wasting 3 hrs of my day travelling plus with the added stress of having to look for other rentals?
He keeps saying I should stay there for now and once I make friends at uni, we can probably rent together or some bs like that. Even though there are literally so many long-term rentals available rn at walking distance from the uni for just a little more money WHICH I AM HAPPY TO CONTRIBUTE TO TOO. He’s racist af and keeps saying shit like “You don’t know who you end up sharing with. It could be East Asians who eat anything and are unhygienic. You’ll hate your housemates but be bound by a year-long lease.”
He says I’m not even listening to him or understanding his points but I genuinely feel like all of them are stupid.
Genuine question: Am I the one being a selfish, unreasonable asshole when they are the ones who keep insisting they’ll handle my finances despite me repeatedly saying I can handle all or at least a portion of them? They didn’t want me to move overseas for uni and now that I am, they’re being so difficult about it. It’s driving me mad.
Forgot to add but I understand that who you house-share with matters too, but they’re all female and 3/4 of them are students with probably equally as busy schedules as mine so we’ll probably just barely interact a little each day. His concerns about the kitchen and food are dumb because even in the hostel, the kitchen is shared. I said this to him and apparently it’s different because it’s not one house and the rooms are separate or something like that? Like I’ll have my own private room in a sharehouse too so that’s stupid as hell. Also, for the record, I don’t even know the nationalities of my potential housemates so him assuming they’re all East Asian is literally just that—an assumption
Do not stay in the hostel. They are not suitable for long term stays and often not safe if it’s a boarding house. Get student accommodation near Uni that is available now, because Uni starts there will be no where near as much available.
You need to be as close as possible. Public Transport can be unreliable in extreme weather and if you are in Melbourne can be effected by extended works for months on train lines which makes commutes nightmares.
Student Services at Uni will be able to help with housing close to school.
They don’t want you there and by making it as hard as possible will be trying to get you to go home. Tell dad thanks but not thanks. You’re staying near uni straight off.
NTA
You are an adult and can afford it yourself. Losing so much time with commute can make you actual sick.
Maybe show your parents studies that clearly show how commute can affect your mental health.
NTA – do you have anyone else you can pull into the conversation? To perhaps add some balance? I agree with your points – there is absolutely a value on your time, and taking public transport comes at a cost (which it sounds like is absolutely not worth it).
Perhaps show him the math of your travel time v the slightly higher rent nearby? Maybe just base it off minimum wage for the calculation?
Also in terms of studying and being able to be productive in your learning, the closer to uni the better.
I don’t know. I’ve gone my entire lifetime trying to get other adults to explain to my parents but it’s always like banging my head against a wall. I thought moving out secretly when it’s not the norm in South Asian families would be the slap in their faces but they still don’t think they’re at fault for anything, despite two psychologists telling them that they also need counselling.
I guess if I’m gonna be a selfish brat to them anyway, I might as well just be stubborn till the end
NAH, but your parents are. It sounds as though they don’t want you to go so they’re trying to make things difficult for you. A three hour commute to save a few dollars is ridiculous!
You sound strong and confident! Ignite your parents, Get the apartment that works for you, and have an amazing school year!
i live in student accomodation and you can literally just switch rooms/apartments whenever you want. usually between semesters with a $100 fee, or during semester if there is availability and/or your situation with the room mates is bad they might even waive the fee.
they want you to let them pay for everything to allow you to focus on study but they want to force you to stay in a hostel and get extensive public transport to uni at first? make it make sense. that would be extremely stressful. hostels are intense also, there are drug users and party people in hostels, people of any age and any kind you have no idea what you will get.
you will be best in student accomodation, you’ll be able to experience life as a first year student ON campus, making friends and memories.
as a struggling broke student, having your parents pay for you would be GREAT. but not if it is going to come with odd condition’s that can control the way you choose to live your university experience, and actually impact you negatively.
NTA. I think your parents are coming from a good place for you (letting you focus on your studies and not go into debt). However, that help is coming with conditions which dont suit you. I think I would be inclined to say to them that you are going to try and manage on your own, and if it gets to a point where your grades are suffering, you can revisit their offer. At that stage, you will be situated and have friends to move in with if needs be. Usually these leases have a month’s notice or something like that so you will be able to get out of the lease without too much hassle. Make it clear you are grateful for the kindness of their offer but that it’s important to you to try and manage it yourself first. I would also say that you took all of their points into consideration but the financial independence and lesser commute were priorities for you.
The fact your dad is racist makes him the asshole anyway.
NTA – my cynical ass suspects they’re pushing to pay for everything so they can be in control of everything.
If they truly wanted to just support you’d, they’d contribute but ultimately let you make the decisions about where to live and maybe just offer advice/not agree to support anything wildly stupid.
I personally would try to find a middle ground with them, like it sounds like you want to. Maybe ask them for their reasoning behind their choices and maybe if you ask enough times they’ll realise their reasoning is bonkers or they’ll have to admit it’s because they want to control everything.
Maybe just be emotionally prepared for them cutting you off.
It’s definitely a form of control, I think. I’ve had psychiatrists literally tell me that the control I faced growing up is absolutely not normal, and now that I’ve managed to break away from them, they can’t handle that
Yeah, it was giving me that vibe but I try not to assume the worst by default.
I’d say in that case, don’t take anything from them and just support yourself. You’re willing and able to. Would I be correct in thinking them not wanting you to be paying for everything may also come from a place of pride and not wanting to “lose face” with the rest of the family? I feel like some parents care more about looking generous, supporting and loving than actually being those things.
I’m not sure because they’ve cut contact with most of their family. I wonder if they also want me to stay in that area because they’ve got family friends near there that can keep an eye on me, whereas virtually no one they know lives near my uni. Regardless, it is just them trying to control and dictate me one way or another
Nta do what you want and tell them that is how you are doing it period. You are an adult now and will do things how you want. To commute 3 plus hours is beyond ridiculous. Pay the extra and don’t worry about it. His reasoning is beyond stupid and weird.
One point I dont think I’ve seen is that even if your parents are willing to fund everything you still should have a job. You dont want to finish your degree and be looking for a graduate job with zero work history.
I had one friend who did that, parents paid for everything and lived at home while they studied. They really struggled to get a job despite good marks.