Hello! This is a throwaway just in case.
I (18) have a cousin who’s 25F. I didn’t see my cousin much growing up, since we live in different countries (my mother moved to a different, “wealthier” country when she met my father. This is relevant) but we’re close anyway.
Since she lives in a poorer country with a weak currency, we’ve (my parents and me (from my side-job)) been helping her out financially. She’s not the only one receiving help. My aunts, grandma and other cousins receive money too.
This was never an issue for us. We live in a country with high minimum wage and living standard and can spare the extra cash if we skip out on vacations and “lavish life”.
My cousin has been in some financial problems. She worked for a small firm that closed due to lack of money in December. She’s been out of a job since. Her fiancé doesn’t really earn much either.
She’s been in need of money a lot. She keeps coming and begging her mother (my aunt) for money because they need to be able to live. She only owns one pair of torn shoes and has a torn jacket. My aunt keeps giving her money to buy herself new clothes and pay for rent. My cousin is also supposed to be saving for a car.
My cousin has always been kind of “irresponsible” with money. She wants to be young and free, I get that. When my aunt first gave her money for clothes, she came back with botox (forehead, I think) and a tattoo. She was forgiven and we have continued to support her.
Now, with the unemployment and issue that her fiancé is probably going to have to go to the military, she’s been asking for money more often.
So it came with big shock when she called us one day and told us she’d gotten a dog! Not only a dog but a Spitz puppy. From a breeder. Which isn’t very morally good, I know. But aside from that, those dogs are very, very expensive. Especially when converting currencies. Said puppy is unvaccinated and everything so she’ll need to shill out more money for that. Meanwhile she can barely afford rent.
My mother is very upset that this is where the money she’s been sending in hopes of her niece being able to afford a car and a better place to live went to this. My aunt is even angrier (she’s the one giving my cousin the most money and working overtime for that while being sick), especially since my cousin just assumed that my aunt would help by taking the dog whenever my cousin wants to travel. Not only is that impossible (allergies, etc.) but also kinda rude?
Now, the question is whether we want to continue giving my cousin money. On one side, it would collapse a part of her support system. But on the other side, she’s spending our money on fun things for herself while we skip out on fun in order to support them. It’s kind of unfair? Maybe. Or maybe we’re just assholes for thinking that. That’s why I’m here.
So, strangers of reddit. Would me and my mum be the assholes for stopping our financial support?
No, of course not, her money problems can’t be that bad if she’s spending what she does have on tattoos and dogs
Cut off her completely and she’ll start acting right. My parents, and my husband and I have been supporting family back home for for years aswell. We always skipped out on fun so we could help them out. Then we moved to live close to them and couldnt afford to help them anymore, and things went sour fast.
As long as they have your money to lean back on, it wont motivate them to do better for themselves.
Once we cut people off after years, they ended up doing things to better their situation.
We still help family here and there, during holidays and big events like weddings and such, but we’re not giving them allowances anymore.
You wouldn’t be. My bf is in the same situation (his mom moved to our wealthier country), and sometimes, people at home can be really irresponsible. They sometimes see you as someone rich and don’t want to make sacrifices when you can. Your cousin is stupid, and spoiled. She has luxury while her mom is struggling.
We lived a similar situation. My bf’s grandma asked us for money, saying she was really needy. Us, both students, shipped in to help her… Only to learn the ‘need’ was buying the latest phone, while ours are few years old. Sometimes, it’s better to cut the person off financially for her to reflect and grow.
She can be irresponsible with money because she knows you guys have her back anyway.
No you are not the asshole. my bf also has a family like that and he helps out however he can but it isn’t his priority to take care of another adult
NTA – she is only so irresponsible because of her support system.
And you are not responsible for a cousin. It is fine to help in emergencies but not for botox, tattoes and to buy a puppy.
I suppose she has enough Money for living and wants yours for the Extras. Stop that.
NTA – you hit the nail on the head when you say that shes spending your money on fun things for herself while you skip out on fun in order to support her. That is 100% unfair. Why should she get the fun things without the work.
She’s acting spoiled and she needs to grow up.
100% you should stop supporting her, and given this issue with the dog and how angry everyone is at her, now seems the time that you could do that without any real unhappiness from anyone else.
NTA
“Hi cousin. What a cute puppy! I know those are expensive and I had no idea you were doing so well to afford it. I’m happy for you and I know this means you’ll no longer need our help.”
Yep. THIS. Make the connection for her that she’s clearly demonstrated that she no longer needs your financial support because she can afford *luxuries* like Botox, a fancy dog, and body art beyond the necessities. You’ve gotta get her mom, your aunt, to see how compromising her health is not good for her as well. If her daughter, your cousin, is going to figure out how to stand on her own two feet, her family needs to stop enabling her poor financial choices.
NTA. Take her grocery shopping instead of handing her cash.
NTA – since she doesn’t need the extra money you are giving (she spends it on stuff she doesn’t need) you should stop giving her the extra money completely. Clearly she isn’t interested in buying a car, a better place to live, clothes in that case she doesn’t need the money you seem fit for providing those things. Your money comes with strings attached. It only can go to abc not to xyz. If it goes to xyz we see that as proof that you are not in need of the extra cash.
NTA the day you stop shelling out is the day she’ll learn to manage, as simple as that
“I’m sorry, I can’t give you money anymore – I was actually hoping you could send *me* money, as I’d really like to buy a puppy but can’t afford it the way you can.”