I’m a (34F) dealing with painful estrangement from my parents it’s not just “messy family dynamics.” Examples: I haven’t spoken to my dad in 12 years after he injured me so badly I needed reconstructive surgery. My mom (an alcoholic) emotionally harmed me for years, making me question my worth; sometimes it turned physical. Recently, after I sent her flowers and cake for her birthday, she replied with a hurtful message: no more contact or gifts.
My friend “Renee” (50F) (also mom’s longtime friend) saw mom treat me poorly at Christmas. She kindly said she was upset and if she spoke to mom, she’d stick up for me I never asked, just appreciated it. But Renee called mom for her birthday and (from what I can tell) stayed silent on it.
When I asked, she framed it as separable “family dynamics,” prefers to “love us both individually,” and even mentioned possible future visits. I was hurting badly and said I can’t stay close with someone who feels neutral about my parents’ treatment of me her silence (after offering support) feels like agreement to me, and “dynamics” minimizes my pain.
Renee replied saying she believes me, heartbroken for my hurt, respects my choice, always here if needed. But she reiterated loving us separately, will likely keep mom’s friendship, and stay neutral.
I know she’s free to choose relationships. But it stings like betrayal when she knows my story yet stays warmly connected and neutral, esp after offering backup.
My questions:
• Is it reasonable to be bothered by a friend staying close/neutral with a harmful parent after knowing details?
• Is Renee’s behavior enabling?
• If you’ve been here, what helped with friends keeping those ties?
NTA but you off all people know you can’t control the actions of others. Even though it hurts to lose yet another person in your life, if it is too painful for you to see her continue to show her allegiance to your abuser you have every right, and are totally justified in walking away. Protect yourself!
Please walk away from Renee. She’s extremely selfish. You don’t need this in your life. You really don’t.
It’s reasonable to feel hurt, but unreasonable to expect an outcome of any sort. Expecting your friends to say something directly to your mom is passive aggressive and unfair to your friend. This is something you have to sort out for yourself, hopefully under the care of a therapist.
She was the one that gave me the expectation. She said she did not agree with the way I was being treated and said she would say something to my mom the next time she talked to her. But then she acted like that never happened.
NAH
Your hurt is understandable. What you describe is not minor conflict. It involves physical injury, emotional abuse, and estrangement. When someone you trust witnesses mistreatment and offers to stand up for you, it is reasonable to feel disappointed if they later take a neutral stance. That feels like withdrawal of solidarity.
At the same time, Renee is not ethically obligated to sever or confront a decades long friendship. Adults are allowed to maintain parallel relationships, even when those people are in conflict. Neutrality is not the same as endorsement. It can be a boundary. She may believe she is reducing harm by not escalating.
The key distinction is between enabling and declining to intervene. Enabling would involve her dismissing your experience, relaying information back to your mother, pressuring you to reconcile, or minimizing abuse. From what you describe, she affirmed that she believes you and respects your choice. That is not enabling. It is relational compartmentalization.
Where this became painful is expectation misalignment. She informally offered advocacy. You internalized that as loyalty. She later defaulted to neutrality. Neither position is immoral. They are incompatible.
You are allowed to decide that proximity to someone who maintains closeness with your mother is too destabilizing. That is a boundary, not punishment. The practical question is whether distance protects your emotional stability.
What helps in these situations is clarity. Decide what you need. Do you need her to stop sharing updates about your mother. Do you need reassurance that she will not discuss you with her. Do you need space entirely. State the boundary cleanly and without framing it as a moral test.
You are not wrong to feel hurt. She is not wrong to choose neutrality. The resolution depends on whether continued contact supports or undermines your healing.
NTA a good friend calls their friends out when they’re misbehaving, especially towards kids. I’m sorry this “auntie” failed you. Unfortunately the friendship with your mom is more important to her than protecting you. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t others who may help you. Maybe confide in someone who isn’t so close to your mom? I’m sorry for your situation. I wish for you the best
There are so many people in the world who would love to have you as a friend and who would be much more supportive of you, why make space in your life for this person?
For your own health and healing, walk away. There is nothing there for you.
NTA
That’s not a friend.
It sounds like maybe Renee is more of your mom’s friend than yours? If so, she has a different history with her than she does with you and may feel caught in the middle. A lot of people don’t realize that “staying neutral” is still making a choice. It was wrong of her to offer support and then not give it when the time came. I’d probably steer clear of confiding in her as she’s not really an ally.
Ditch the abusers and ditch the enablers. You’ll have more peace.