Ok so bit of a long story. Been with my partner for 10 years, had our ups and downs, since having a child 2 years ago we have been in a really bad spot.
My partner had abusive and controlling parents and she tells me that I often do things that she considers controlling (such as requesting that she tells me if she’s going to leave for the shops for an hour, which I thought was normal).
I’ve committed to her that I dont want to make her feel bad and will stop asking certain questions.
Anyway. Partner has had a long standing issue with her teeth. To me they’re absolutely fine. Objectively, they are fine, but the two front teeth overlap slightly (very slightly). She thinks this is horrendous and hurts her self esteem.
She told me today that she was going to the dentist to get a small chip fixed. No issue. She comes back home and tells me she’s doing teeth bonding to fix the overlap and it’ll cost $7,000. All our finances are joined. I told her I wished she’d have told me about this before so we could speak about it. I was shocked and a bit disappointed and I’m sure my face reflected this.
Realistically $7,000 for the actual issue seems absolutely over the top. Also, 7k is just a lot of money. She then said that I was trying to control her again and that I am an asshole.
This is doing my head in. Am I the asshold reddit?
NTA people with trauma can often jump straight to “your controlling me” when actually it’s the opposite you just want to have input on a decision that effects both of you
Your partner should be paying for their own dentistry if they’re unilaterally agreeing to 7k spending
NTA. You’re correct in thinking $7k is a lot. It is definitely an anount that requires a conversation before spending when your finances are tied together. I’ve been married for almost 26 years, together for almost 31. Our finances have been tied nearly the whole time. We talk about any purchases over $50! We don’t have kids, or pets. Just a mutual understanding and respect. She needs therapy. You might need a new girlfriend.
NTA
Big purchases with shared funds is a two yes, one no situation. Sounds like couples therapy might be needed in order to bridge the communication gap you’re experiencing.
Can you afford it comfortably? I’m honestly getting stuck on you being “disappointed”. Like she’s your child and didn’t score well on a test. Your post sounds like if she had talked to you about it, you would have “denied permission”.
Dental work in the US is expensive af. You seem to be dismissing this as an aesthetic issue, while for her it’s much needed. Point is, you don’t get to decide what she needs to feel like the best version of herself. Teeth are often one of the first things people note about you. If it’s a lifelong issue for her she is not wrong for wanting to get it fixed. That said, if you guys can’t afford it, she is an AH to spend money you don’t have.
I’m going with ESH for now
As a woman who has been married for 20 years. You don’t drop seven grand without talking to your partner. Not unless you’ve got that kind of money. If you’ve got half $1 million in savings, sure drop the seven Gs. But you tell me someone dropped seven grand without talking to me. I’m thinking you just blew two months of our mortgage and property tax on your fucking cosmetic need! That would end my relationship! You stole from us
>I’m honestly getting stuck on you being “disappointed”. Like she’s your child and didn’t score well on a test
I agree it’s unusual phrasing, but I think it stems from him learning to soft-pedal his emotions any time they disagree on something, because her default criticism seems to be “you’re controlling, just like my parents”.
NTA
With shared finances, it’s completely reasonable to expect a conversation before a $7k decision is made. That isn’t controlling , it’s basic respect and communication.
I also get that her teeth are a deep insecurity for her no matter how small the cosmetic dental issue is, so this feels far more significant to her than it might seem objectively. However, that doesn’t change the fact that a $7k decision without discussion would understandably catch anyone off guard.
I think your title is misleading. Based on your description here, she hasn’t done it yet. So when you told her you wanted her to tell you first, that’s what she was doing. It also sounds like she has a hard time doing that, so being disappointed in the moment might have felt pretty unfair from her perspective.
What’s the money like? Do you both work and contribute equally? When she tells you things like this, do you actually engage in the conversation or just say you don’t like it and leave it there?
Not enough info.
YTA — For titling this your wife SPENT the 7K when in reality she came home with an estimate of how much it would cost.
Yes, dental work is expensive AF. If you can afford it, find a way to work it in. It’s obviously something that really bothers her.
NTA
You both need to discuss finances though. If she contributes to a combined account and can afford to pay for this, then I don’t see why she can’t.
Is this reckless spending for your budget? Did it drain your combined savings?
People save money for different reasons, so perhaps it’s time to crunch some numbers, figure out what you both are working towards. If you have it all figured out then you both should have some financial freedom from each other.
This could be easily fixed with multiple savings accounts, personal and combined. I use my personal for expenses like this. But every relationship is different. I make more so I typically cover more. I’d definitely expect a discussion if my partner needed 7k. But I’d let it slide for a one off thing occasionally.
You both should try couples counselling if this is a hard conversation to have. Money is the number one reason why couples break up. You both need to be a team when it comes to money.
I work in a dental office. Now im not sure which country youre in and rules are different but this is how it is for us.
Any treatment above 250 we have to make a quote that the patient will then sign so they’ll know of the cost ahead of time.
Also fixing a chipped tooth takes.. like 20 min and if she only planned to go in for that, thats the time that was booked in for her.
What she walked out with takes way longer, hour if not more. Dental offices usually cant just prolong 20min appointments to an hour, scheduling won’t allow it.
All this to say, chances are that she knew she was gonna have this done in advance and either didnt tell you or lied to you about it.
Tbf I went in for my six monthly scale and polish and came out with an appointment to have braces. OP doesn’t explicitly said she’s actually got the bonding yet, like I waited a few days for my brace fitting
YTA she hasn’t spent 7k, she just got an estimate. YTA for telling Reddit that she spent 7k already. She did the responsible thing and got an estimate and brought it back to you. You can now ask her to go get other estimates. There may be alternatives to bonding, such as Invisaligne, although I don’t know if that is cheaper. Some dental schools charge less for services, and they are always supervised by a professor.
Obviously, her teeth are causing issues with her self-esteem, so you need to cut her some slack and find a way to help her repair her teeth.
And yes, stopping asking where she’s going when she wants to leave for an hour is a good first step. Unless she is going to be gone for hours and taking your means of transportation, she doesn’t owe you an explanation as to her whereabouts.
Wait, she came home today with a quote right? She IS talking to you about it. YTA for saying you’re disappointed in her getting a quote. She WBTAH if she paid $7000 for an elective procedure from a joint account without discussing it–but she hasn’t done that yet, correct?