So my friend from college and I had been through hell and back together. She lives in Seattle and I live in NYC. As long distance besties, we called each other every other week. Then we decided to plan a girls trip to Vegas. My circumstances with work and my budget changed so I decided to have a staycation with her. My friend does not have a job. We both graduated from the same university, different years. I just attributed this to the fact that the job market in Seattle just was not in her wheelhouse. I empathized with her since there was a point where I was 7 month unemployed, so I offered to pay for her flight to come visit me as a birthday gift.
However, she got under my skin when she then started to make plans with her other friends in NYC from our university. At first, I tried to play it off like I was cool with it. But I wasn’t. I was mad that I had spent $177 for her round trip to come see me for her to say to me “I want to have 1:1 time with them since I haven’t seen them in so long”…even though we had plans hang out with them in a group setting. I was ok with hanging out in a group with them, I actually like her other friends, but I couldn’t help but feel like I was being used by her when she was trying to make dinner and breakfast plans with her two other friends on my dime. It felt weird to me, but I didn’t say anything to her about how I was truly feeling.
So then we get to the restaurant with her two other friends, the four of us at the table. This is when things got ugly. Since she is not from NYC, she feels uncomfortable with taking public transit by herself. At the table, she was trying to make dinner plans with her one friend. She then asked me if there was any way that I can spot her for an Uber to go meet up with her other friend. That really pissed me off. She not only has the audacity to try and make plans without me, but now she’s asking me to buy an Uber for her to get there? So I snap at her in front of her two friends and say “Gee, I’m so glad that I can be a part of this fucking plan.” She then goes to the bathroom and cries and becomes the victim.
Her friends tell me that I was in the right for standing up for myself. The rest of the trip was painfully awkward. I couldn’t change her to an earlier flight so I was stuck hosting her. By the end of the trip, she was trying to get me to ride the bus with her to the airport, but I had work. She then proceeded to get pissed with me because she “didn’t budget for an Uber”, despite having money to go to the spa two times and order Nobu to my apartment. She the next day gives me the silent treatment, as I did with her, and she went to her other friend’s house where I’m sure she suckered her into paying for her Uber to airport.
She then sends me a long message a week later saying that I was narcissistic and manipulative and was pulling “purse strings” all weekend with her. AITA for snapping at her at the restaurant or is she in the right because it was a birthday gift?
NTA.
You can definitely see how she got by being unemployed. You just didn’t fall for her bullshit. Good on you.
On which airline can you get round trip airfare from Seattle to NYC for $177?
On AI Express
ESH. These sorts of events are painful because of all the unspoken assumptions that undergird them.
You assumed that, because you spotted her for her round-trip airfare, she had some obligations to spend most, if not almost all, of her time with you. What is more, you resented her making plans for 1-1 time with her other friends, especially in your presence.
She assumed that she should take advantage of this trip to do as much and to reconnect with as many of her good friends as she could. Also, she assumed that you had the money to spot her Uber rides here and there.
What was missing in all of this were clearly stated boundaries such as: (a) your telling her, when you bought the tickets, that you could not afford to pay for anything more and your giving her a schedule of days/times when you would be off for some one-to-one time together and (b) her scheduling time to visit her friends prior to the trip and her telling you about those times, if for no other reason, as a courtesy.
In other words, explicit communication before and during this visit would have made things a lot better for everyone.
Even her friends said you were right. NTA.
NTA. Unfortunately your friend was using you for the free apartment stay. You were generous in paying for her plane ticket and she had money for other stuff with other friends. You had zero obligation to loan her more money to see other people. She’s TA.
NTA. You realize she is not your friend, right? As long as you’ve figured that out and cut her loose….it’s all worth it.
NTA – I get it, people always say this whole “she doesn’t HAVE to spend all her time with you just because you spent money blah blah blah.” That’s all dumb redditor trash.
Real human beings who understand having real relationships understand courtesy and how to act like a good guest. Most people wouldn’t dream of excluding you from their plans if you paid their way, nor should they. That’s just common courtesy.
Most people on Reddit don’t understand what it takes to maintain an actual relationship and spend all their time telling everyone how they don’t owe anyone anything. Well that’s true, but if you care about people you have no problem being a good friend and acting accordingly.
Your friend was being a baby, and she’s using therapy buzzwords to gaslight you into thinking you are the bad guy. She was using you for your money the whole trip then turned around and called you the manipulator. Hopefully your friend grows up, and you snapping at her probably helped in that process.
i agree ESH. shes allowed to see other people but then asking you for money for Ubers because shes too “scared” to ride the subway and supposedly broke, but then buying expensive spa days is really tacky. Also, she should have asked the friend she was visiting for uber fare.
That is completely entitled and so rude! I pay for my own ticket to see my friend in another state. She always picks me up and hosts me. I would consider it EXTREMELY rude to leave her and take offWith other friends for ANY reason, ESPECIALLY without the person hosting me, picking me up, and entertaining me while I am there. She was using the hell out of you. She should be entirely cut off as a friend. I wouldn’t even bother responding to her. I would definitely explain it to any “normal” person who asked what happened. Block her.
NTA, she was there to see you. Not the other people.
ESH. The flight is supposed to be a gift for her, not a payment so she’ll spend every moment with you. It’s unreasonable for you to be upset at her for wanting to spend time with other friends and you’re TA for not using your words to discuss expectations with her.
She’s unreasonable for expecting you to pay for her ubers.
Really, all of this could have been easily avoided by having a conversation like adults instead of silently letting your resentment build up until you snap.
NTA. It sounds like you paid for her flight to NYC, AND you hosted her in your own home (ie your home was her hotel)? Assuming I understand this correctly, she is either a massive a h o l e, or she has an incredibly low EQ, to be making plans with people other than you that don’t also include you. (In fact, it is a borderline a h o l e / low EQ move for her to make plans with people other than you that DO include you.) Note that the fact that you paid for her flights is not the main reason for my NTA verdict, the main reason is you hosted her in your home.
I am glad that her own friends saw her for the a h o l e (or low EQ d u m b a s s) that she is.
NTA. Most people would probably be on your side here. Paying for her flight as a birthday gift to come visit you and then watching her plan multiple one-on-one hangouts with other friends, while also asking you to cover more costs, would rub a lot of people the wrong way. It stops feeling like a visit and starts feeling like you just funded her NYC trip.
Snapping at the restaurant wasn’t the most graceful way to handle it, but the frustration didn’t come out of nowhere. Asking you to pay for an Uber so she could go see someone else while staying with you was pretty tone-deaf. Most people would see that as inconsiderate, especially when she wasn’t contributing financially but was still spending on things like spas and Nobu.