I (18f) am 23 weeks pregnant with my first son.
I have been wanting to set a family boundary between my boyfriends family and mine because of the people in both our families.
His mom doesn’t like me because she’s a boy mom and doesn’t talk to me. My mom on the other hand doesn’t believe me about what her husband had said to me a few days before I moved out and frankly neither does most of her family besides my uncle and Grandma.
A little backstory, my mom’s husband had asked me to "watch" him because he was "stressed from work and he had no one else to" especially because my mom was in the hospital. That happened Friday of August, I had moved out that Monday morning.
Ever since then everything has gone downhill. I’ve been stalked by both their families and things that had actually happened to me were being told as "she lied for attention." I want to keep at least my mom and little sister in my son’s life and my boyfriends mom, but everyone treats each other like crap and always starts arguments.
For example a lot of people say that they hope my son doesn’t end up on the spectrum like me, I’m not even hardly on the spectrum especially because I’m a lvl one autist and my rating when I was tested was a 7.
I just don’t want my son to be around my mother or his dad’s mother or family’s if their just going to talk crap about us Infront of him and make bad images of us.
And the boundaries I have set before almost everyone has broken and I want to be really strict with the boundary I set now for my son’s safety especially not to be around my mom’s husband.
WIBTA??
P.s. sorry this was kinda complicated to type out it gives me limited wording on here and the story I would’ve told is super long. But I just want to keep my family (me my bf and child) safe.
nta. honestly once a kid is involved its pretty normal to set firmer boundaries, esp if there’s been stuff that made u uncomfortable before. ppl sometimes take it personal, but protecting ur space and ur kid isnt really unreasonable. might just be about deciding who can respect the boundary and who cant.
NTA.
If setting boundaries makes you feel more safe, hundred percent establish them. If they cannot be at least civil around you, it should be a sign. In the long run, it can be mentally or physically draining for both you and the baby if you keep dealing with no boundaries whatsoever.
Stay safe OP!
His mom doesn’t like you because you’re 18, pregnant and now her son needs to be a dad at what is likely a tender age (You don’t mention his age). Trust me, she’s pissed with her son too and likely thinks neither of you are ready for this as you’re barely out of school. I’m pretty sure you will not be happy if your child were in a similar situation at a similiar age. Just look at the lengths you’re willing to go to now to protect your child and give them the best.
That said, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do to keep your child safe and if you honestly believe that this is the best course of action then you should take it. Keep in mind that it takes a village to raise a child and many parents can be different people when they are grandparents. I would suggest you play it safe though.
Gonna say NAH. I don’t know enough about the dynamics here to call either set of parents an AH. You and your bf are hopefully trying to do the best by your child so I can’t really call you AH’s either. Just remember that the road ahead is a difficult one and you should only be turning away family members if they’ll bring more negatives than positives. Try not to burn too many bridges either.
Congratulations btw
Info needed: your mom’s husband asked you to “watch” him? As in look after him? What was the issue? That you couldn’t do it?
Oh, no. What I took from that, was watch him while he “relieves” himself from his stressful day. He doesn’t need a babysitter. Hopefully, I’m wrong, but that’s predatory behavior.
I haven’t finished reading OP’s history but this link is about ‘watch me’ do youknowwhat 3 months ago [https://www.reddit.com/r/CharlotteDobreYouTube/comments/1pf4lrs/aita\_for\_cutting\_contact\_with\_my\_mom\_after\_i/](https://www.reddit.com/r/CharlotteDobreYouTube/comments/1pf4lrs/aita_for_cutting_contact_with_my_mom_after_i/)
NTA. You owe you families neither your time, nor attention. The only people you own time and attention to are your spouse and minor children. Do what you think needs to be done to protect your peace and serve the best interest of your child.
So, you were asked to ‘watch’, and ‘no one believes you’ so I am assuming that means something se\*ual? And you plan to allow your child to be around people who didn’t believe you – and one who is still married to this person??! You are YTA for that alone.
What does your BF have to say about your ‘boundary’. I kinda think his mother, who is likely just upset you are pregnant and having a child at 18 would be a far better example than your mother who doesn’t believe her husband propositioned you.
NTA, but you’re going to have to have the strength to enforce those boundaries. If you’re living with anyone who you’re trying to have the boundary with, it’s going to be difficult.
WNBTA. Even if you just had a “vibe,” that’s your kid. You have a right to keep yourself and your child away from people you feel aren’t safe or even nurturing. You just have to deal with the lack of support from those quarters.
These grandparents will insist they have a right to access your child. This is a fallacy. They have no rights to your child. They might have customary privileges, but those aren’t rights.
NTA, for any of this or your desired boundaries, OP. Let’s talk practical, because there is physical safety and emotional safety, and it might work better to approach them separately.
Does your husband agree? If he doesn’t, you’ll have to set some boundaries with him too, but it’s going to be difficult to say his family can’t see the baby if he doesn’t agree. You can say you’re not going to be at those family events, but interrupting your husband’s ability to spend time with his family and his son is a tough call if you’re not suing for full custody.
First off, your mother’s husband is banned. If he’s there when you walk in, you turn around and leave. It’s he’s at the door, the door stays locked. If he’s in the car that dropped your mom off, he drives off before you open the door. You don’t need people to believe you. You just hold this rule hard and fast. This is a physical safety one and if your husband doesn’t agree, he’s a punk.
Second, emotional safety means you have to be willing to cut off anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries. You’re kinda all over the place, OP, saying that you don’t want your mother there but also that you want her in your son’s life. I GET IT. We’re human. Our heads don’t explode from emotional paradoxes. But you do have to realize that your boundary is only as firm as YOU make it. We would wish for it to be different, but we can only control our own actions. You can always cut someone off termporarily. Make sure they know why you’re cutting them off. Reach out when you’re ready to let them try again.
OP, I was reading your history, if CPS won’t do anything since you have a young teen sister living there under very strict terms, call the police, keep calling CPS and 911 until someone listens. Call every agency you know until someone listens.
NTA
OP, you might want to look up the structures of dysfunctional families, which often include one child being assigned the role of the Scapegoat.
You are quite right to want to protect your child from family manipulators, especially bc you are aware of the effects when you yourself have had no such protection.
And, as you suspect, it’s quite right to assume that no boundaries you set will be respected. In fact, in dysfunctional families, attempts to set boundaries often lead to deliberate trampling of those boundaries for the pleasure of the distress and drama that is created. Boundaries become weapons.
These ppl are, unfortunately, not trustworthy or safe. They do not have a nourishing relationship to offer.
It’s important, also, to discuss this with your partner, who may be too enmeshed to understand the implications. If your partner is unwilling or unable to acknowledge how toxic some family members are, it will be difficult to enforce any of the ways you wish to protect your child (and yourself!) if he will be sabotaging your efforts.
Also, be aware that it can be challenging to keep a relationship with some family members and not others. They may share information that you would prefer to keep private, or be pressured by others to try to force you to drop your boundaries. Even if they themselves are not abusive, they may inadvertently be enabling abusive behaviour.
Regardless, if you have access, I recommend seeking a compassionate supportive therapist who can help you process what’s happened to you, to understand the dynamics of both your family and your partner’s family, and to develop good tools for protecting yourself and your baby.
In addition, couples therapy with your partner will help you both to create the best environment for your child, and prevent family dynamics from being a source of friction in your own relationship.