So I take care of a family member and we went to his appointment, and I got their wheelchair out the vehicle because I didnt want them to walk (they have bad legs) and in like okay I’ll just take it out. They said "no you can’t" so I’m like "will you just let me try and take it out?"(yes I’m confident I can take it out and yes they always underestimate what I can do) so I take it out and we get into the office and as we’re waiting they’re like "give me my phone" so I hand them their phone and ignore their attitude. Then all of a sudden they hand me the keys like "the car is unlocked go and unlock it"(I’m thinking thats strange when they can just use their phone to unlock and lock and even start the car) so I go and do that and when I come back they aren’t in the waiting room anymore, and it made me pissed. I came to the conclusion that they used their phone to unlock the car so it’ll be an excuse for me to leave so I don’t join them in their apportionment. My thing is, just say you want me to stay in the waiting room? Why go through hoops just to tell me my presence isn’t wanted. So yeah. I’m annoyed and pissed.
*Let them do things for themself*.
If they can get their own wheelchair out, and tell you not to do it – *let them do it*. Insisting on doing things for them that they can do themself is infantilizing and strips them of agency.
If they want to go into their appointment by themself, *let them.* It’s not about you.
Yeah, clarify with them that if they want to go into their appointment alone, all they have to do is say so. But the fact that you’re turning these instances into big deals to be upset over is blekh.
Also, please clarify what action you took that you want us to judge. Are you asking for judgment for doing these things? For getting upset about them? For confronting your relative? What?
No judgment at this time because I don’t know what to judge.
They couldn’t get their own wheelchair out because it needed to be rolled out its an electric one. They were telling me that I was unable to get the wheelchair myself obviously implying that I’m not strong enough to do it(but I did, and they tell me often when I ‘can’t’ do things and i end up doing them just fine) My actions isnt really an action its simply that I feel very pissed annoyed that they didn’t want to communicate that they didn’t want me present at the appointment, and in my viewpoint it felt it was done in such a dirty way accompanied by their attitude. And I don’t want to confront them because I already know how they’ll be
Did you try communicating with them – as in, did you ASK them if they wanted you at their appointment?
Did you ask them if they wanted to use the wheelchair vs if they felt comfortable walking? I know you say that they have “bad legs” but from the way you phrased things it sounds that they are at least somewhat capable of walking and the wheelchair is always necessary?
Communication is a two-way street, it’s not just on them to tell you what you want…it’s also up to you to ASK them what they want. If they’re mentally capable, they’re allowed to make choices for themself rather than having you decide what you think is best for them.
Op took them to their appointment? So I’m assuming they knew op would be there? If they didn’t want them there they would not have them there. They use a wheelchair so op got the wheelchair. If they didn’t want to use the wheelchair they would’ve expressed that but that was not the problem or the case
Thank you. They use a wheelchair anytime they go outside the house
It was communited prior that they wanted to use their wheelchair when we arrived to the designated area prior because they acknowledged that they too have bad legs and them walking is far too vigorous for them
And I’m not talking about a mentally disabled persona ma’am
As someone who is the mother of a child with a disability I can’t emphasize this enough. You need to give the person you’re taking care of as much independence as possible.
If they tell you they’re able or WANT to do something on their own, let them and only step in if they ask for assistance. The ONLY time this doesn’t apply is when actual safety is involved and they were specifically told by a medical professional NOT to do something and they’re trying to do it anyways.
Unless they specifically tell you that they want you IN the appointment with them, assume that they’ll attending the appointment on their own – you’re only their as their transportation.
You are their to support them, not to treat them like they’re incompetent and incapable of doing at least some things themself. To do otherwise is extremely infantilizing.
They said before we left that they were going to use the wheelchair, the ramp wouldn’t go out so I suggested I’ll just go grab it and get it for you. They said “you can’t”the individual I’m talking about is very stubborn and will fall in thr ground and still refuse help. They aren’t in the means to manhandle a wheelchair and actively lift up something that heavy and not be in pain.
That information was not included in your original post, nor was it that the wheelchair in question was an large electric one. When someone mentions a wheelchair, I generally tend to assume it’s more of a lightweight one that is much easier to get in/out of vehicles. That context does change things because they’re physically unable to get it out due to their disability AND they had already communicated that they wanted to use it.
That being said, I still do stand by my opinion that instead of assuming you were going to be attending/going into the appointment with them you should have clarified that with them either before you left or on the drive to the appointment.
You sound disabled with the “then they can make choices on their own then” You’re missing the point. If they didn’t want me there, cool, if they did, cool IF THEY had mentioned that they didn’t want me there or not. It bothers me how they used an excuse for me to go lock rhe car when they could just just said “oh jusr stay in the waiting room” like you said “they can make decisions for themselves” which they could have made the decision to tell me they didn’t want me in their appointment than sending me outside on purpose
Nta
Op ask the family member if some had irritated or upset them earlier in the day or if they were anxious about the appointment. If you regularly take care of them it doesn’t sound like anything you did at all in any of these interactions- they may have been preoccupied and upset about something else and weren’t feeling very communicative.
Especially if this is not how they usually act towards you. It’s okay that you feel upset about the situation but maybe try not to feel upset towards your family member because this seems like a problem that could easily be resolved just but asking them “hey, what’s going on”
You’ll find out exactly what upset them? Maybe it could even have been something you didn’t that you didn’t even realise
Good luck x
I appreciate that. They aren’t a person to not like questions or confrontation especially in regards to their behavior even if you ask something like your suggested. In a general sense this is usually behavior for them and poor communication