So my partner and I are having a slight disagreement… For context we are moving 1000 miles and were in between leases and my friend graciously let us stay for 2 weeks with the two of us and our two dogs as we wait for our new lease.
They are a lovely couple. Slightly older than us and I have known them for 14 years. I used to work with her when I first moved to this state and didn’t know anyone. She opened her home immediately to me and has always felt more like family than anything. I knew they struggled a lot during their IVF journey with over 5 miscarriages and when she was leaving the job we met at the first thing she told me was that she was pregnant probably going to lose it but was going to do everything she could to keep him so she was leaving the stressful job.
So obviously it was a little miracle. He was born early and had a lot of medical complications but ended up with no long term issues. He’s always been my little buddy. Both being in love with sports.
As he started getting older, you could see the two parents have totally different parenting styles. The father being a total pushover and giving the little guy everything he could ever want and never punish him for anything. While my friend. His mom. Makes him do chores, clean and read, make his own food and has punishments when he acts up.
As he started getting older my partner and I (who has been in his life since he was 5) have noticed his attitude turning from the sweet kid to being a mean little brat. And I know that’s common, he’s a preteen and it is what it is. However, while we were there. He yelled at everyone. Demanded things from everyone. And bullied his dad multiple times in front of people. The father doesn’t seem to care when he gets called a fatty and his mom has completely given up on the fact that his dad will just do everything for him even when she asks him to do stuff.
This all came to ahead on our final dinner in town. The son found out he might spend the summer with us going to an outdoor adventure camp which he reacted so excited about. When we were leaving he started having a meltdown about not getting desert at the restaurant because we had a going away cake at home. His mom told him to suck it up and get over it. The child went to push his mom and my friend… I got in between them and he pushed me slightly. I told him to stop and then he kicked me in the back of the knee. I grabbed his shoulder and whispered in his ear and said “when I say stop. I mean it” and told him I would take his tablet away for the night. Which his mother allowed me to do.
However after eating and he went to bed I apologized to his mother for parenting her child which she responded “I’m glad you did cause he won’t listen to us” but my partner told me I was out of line and is now considering withdrawing our offer of him staying with us.
AITAH?!
Sometimes – like this one – it takes a village.
NTA.
For context.
The little guy and I aren’t just like his parents friends. I’m more like an aunt to him. He has come on vacations with my partner and I. I have been at every birthday. Every sporting event. Every school assembly. And he also spends the night once a month with us.
He acts like this consistently and I bite my tongue. However his mother isn’t stable standing sometimes and she has some knee issues. With him coming towards her the way he was, I was very worried for her to get hurt. And I knew he wouldn’t be able to knock me over.
You’re NTA for what you did – you only got between them and didn’t say anything until the child kicked you.
But I’m with your wife, I would 100% withdraw the offer of staying with you with the way that child acts.
Even if he does come to stay with you, your parenting him won’t change how he acts at home. That’s 100% on his parents and they need to address it before it gets even worse
NTA.
If the mother was fine with you stepping in, then it was fine. At the very least, you gave your friends insight into how you will likely act when his caregiver over the summer.
Even though it sounds like things were fine, I recommend that you do some reading on tween/teen development. Many people who aren’t parents see their friends being “lax,” which might not be the case when you aren’t around. I don’t get into super-discipline mode when I’m in a social setting with my kids. Consequences (e.g., no tablet or cell phone) happen once in the car, assuming the kids weren’t being unsafe.
Kids need boundaries, just like employees need boundaries and teammates need boundaries. People need lines drawn, and they need to know that those lines are real. It is important to let tweens/teens know the expectations in advance. Not in a military sergeant way, but to make sure things seem fair and just. Also, tweens/teens are hormonal and have outbursts. You have to learn as a parent or caregiver when to address the outbursts. If they are hormonal, going into dragon shame mode usually isn’t productive. There’s a bit of door slamming and “you’re the worst” and “you are ruining my life,” that’s normal. It’s the frequency and intensity that determine intervention.
I’d be inclined to proceed with summer if you feel you are up to the task of providing boundaries, but also not under some illusion that you are going to military discipline the kid into a perfect teen by summer’s end. If you think that the child is a genuine behavior problem, you might want to read Ross Green’s work (e.g., The Explosive Child).
Best wishes.
My partner and I have spoken about it a little bit. We are still deciding what to do… however myself as a high school sports coach and her working in youth development believe that if we are consistent and on the same page he’ll thrive without confusion on what he can and can’t do.
We haven’t fully decided what the best course of action is for camp yet and his parents and us will be having conversations on expectations with him.
He is a good kid. Which we know. But I think a lot of quality conversations with him, his family and our partner with expectations laid out for him is what will make the decision for us
You are a “pick your battles” parent aren’t you? 🙄
NTA
Kid needs to learn actions have consequences. His parents (well, his mother really) won’t be the only adult in his life and he needs to learn from other safe adults. He doesn’t get to kick you or be rude and the consequence wasn’t egregious. His father is TA for allowing this kind of behaviour to develop and persist.
NTA. That boy needs a stern hand or he will grow into a little thug. Pushing is assault, as is kicking. Sad that his parents have let it get that far. My parents would have beat my ass just for making a stink over dessert. Just because he’s a miracle kid doesn’t mean there shouldnt be instant repercussions and consequences for bad behavior.
Unfortunately, many special parents make this mistake
My father would have picked my skinny ass up and beat me senseless
Nta. I’m a mom and my close friends are people I trust and people who I wouldn’t mind parenting my child.
NTA! A summer with you and he’ll be right. Kudos👏🏽
It sounds like either he has some mental issues or has been enabled because he’s such a miracle baby or something, but this behavior is not good.
I’m glad you did what you did and if she’s glad you did it too then fine and if he doesn’t listen to them, then he needs a little more discipline. And I would take away that offer of letting him stay with you. He doesn’t deserve to get to go to any camp. He doesn’t deserve anything that he has and I mean the extras like the tablet or whatever he’s gonna be a spoiled little brat then he needs to be punishedand treated like a little temperamental child and put on time out
I’m a little confused by your partners response. They are upset with you about overstepping boundaries, but then threatening to punish the child instead seems like a good idea to them? I think the real story is they saw how terrible the child behaved and wanted out of putting up with his behavior.