For context, I am 21(F), in my 3rd year of college. I’ve joined this circle of friends when I was in my 1st year, 2nd Semester, and we had the chance to share classes. The relationship between us is quite close considering we have shared grievances to each other and some of us meet each other’s parents. We hangout sometimes, and spend time with each other if there’s free time.
So, ever since I joined the group, we often celebrate birthday’s together. Given how long we spent together, I celebrated at least two birthday’s with each of them (their birthdays). On these birthdays, I usually post a pic of them on IG at 12am on the dot to greet them online, and we celebrate the birthday in the evening with foods and drinks.
However, this year, I’ve been really stressed out. Academics yknow? Moreover, personal problems piled up and my hours are spent trying to survive every day that passes by, and finishing tasks after tasks.
I became so busy that I forgot that it was one of my friend’s birthday.
She texted me that day, telling me to go to her dorm in the evening. Me, being the overwhelmed student that I am, asked “for what?”
I guess she got the idea that I forgot about her day, so, she reminded me of it. I honestly felt bad when she told me, and as a way to say sorry, I provided water and ice for the evening and tried to be attentive to her. The air between the group was chill and I don’t think they hanged it over my head for forgetting.
But here is where it gets interesting. The next week after that, another girl from my friend group would be celebrating her birthday. I honestly don’t know what the plans are, or how she wanted to celebrate it since it is exam season, and we’ve been studying nonstop. Our group chat is also so eerily quiet that I thought the girl doesn’t really have plans to celebrate, and was focused in studying.
But, it happened again. The day before her birthday, I spent an all-nighter in the library to study and stuff since I have notes to catch up on, clumsily, forgetting another friend’s birthday. The only moment I realized it was her birthday was when she posted a picture of her celebrating the birthday with said friend group. Everybody was present, except for me. They even posted several posts on IG together, and several TT shorts.
It actually felt sucky knowing that forgetting a birthday has resulted me into being excluded. When I saw the posts, I greeted her in the group chat and didn’t mention the celebration since I honestly think it’s impolite and it’s not my lane to argue about not getting invited. All she replied was a thank you and the group chat went quiet again. I’ve been telling myself that it’s my fault for forgetting or for getting busy. But what do you think?
NAH. It sounds like you’ve genuinely been overwhelmed and not intentionally neglectful. That said, birthdays clearly matter in your friend group, especially since you all make a big deal out of posting at midnight and celebrating together. Forgetting once is understandable. Forgetting twice in a row, even if for valid reasons, probably made it seem like you don’t prioritize them the way they prioritize each other. I don’t think you’re an AH, but I do think this might be a wake-up call to either set reminders or accept that the group dynamic may shift if you’re not as present.
NTA
Those aren’t your friends. If they’re willing to be that petty over forgetting a birthday, imagine how unforgiving they’ll be if you make a real mistake.
I’d just quietly fade out of that group and not even address it. Let them come to you about it.
Me and my friend (9 years) still don’t know each other’s birthdays. It’s not a big deal.
Okay, this helped a lot. I overthink social interactions constantly that a slight blunder sometimes keeps me up at night. So, knowing that you’re still friends with yours (for 9 yrs!) and still not knowing each other’s birthdays is really reassuring.
Generally NTA as they are your friends they should also know that you have it busy and that maybe you indeed got overwhelmed by everything going on. Its a bit shitty from you for forgetting it twice but were all humans. So would give it a thought if they are indeed real friends because if all it takes is to forget one birthday to cut you out from activities that sounds a little harsh for me.
NTA life happens, you forget people’s birthdays sometimes.
NTA – group chat going silent before the second birthday reeks of “we created a new one to talk about this without you” as is an especially common childish tactic in early twenties aged people. in that case this group is very frigid- i’ve been (attempted) friends with “one strike and you’re out” kind of people, and they are awful to be around. i think in the end you might be doing yourself a favour if you fade out of this group. it might be lonely, but you’ll find better people, especially as you age.
Them making a new group chat honestly crossed my mind, but I didn’t really entertained the thought considering that it’s exam season and they were probably busy studying too
i feel like if that was the case, they should have been less harsh on you for forgetting a birthday if they were all studying hard. these things can fall to the wayside! but you know what kind friends do when this happens, especially if you’ve clarified it might be a problem for you given your studying (and especially if its only happened once before)? they remind you that the important event is coming up, they don’t leave you out of it. friends help friends. if it was really a problem that upset them and they cared about you as a friend, they would have sat down with you like the adults they are and told you as much. friends communicate needs and upset with friends. this could have ended with a talk where, maybe given how absentminded or forgetful the studying has made you, you decide to set reminders about other’s birthdays in your phone. instead, it ended with what seems like (and this may be projecting from my own experiences) a sort of vindictive “lets leave op out of this”.
but i am making a lot of (perhaps malicious) assumptions and this idea also goes two ways. you care about them, so let them know how being left out made you feel. maybe you have to be the first to sit down and talk it out like an adult. how they react to that can clarify a lot. you may feel that asking about it is “impolite” and “not in your lane”, but ime politeness is just a barrier to honest communication. speak kindly, not politely.
NAH. It sounds like a mix of bad timing, stress, and unspoken expectations. You’re overwhelmed and genuinely forgot, which happens. At the same time, they’re allowed to feel hurt and maybe didn’t want to remind you again. Instead of guessing what the silence means, I’d just talk to them one-on-one and explain where your head’s been at. If these friendships matter to you, a direct conversation will go a lot further than trying to decode group chat vibes.
Yeah, at some point, prioritizing your own boundaries over enabling is completely reasonableness’s
I would have a lot less friends if I got mad every time someone forgets my birthday. NTA in my opinion. But I would still ask the friend why you weren’t invited. If they feel attacked by that they probably intentionally excluded you and you should find some new friends.