My mate and I are both in our mid-30s. We’ve known each other for over 20 years and, realistically, we’ve been each other’s main support system for most of that time. He’s the only person I speak to regularly and I’m the same for him. Let’s call him Dave.
I recently moved to another city for work, so we don’t get to hang out in person anymore. We still call every few days, and despite everything, I genuinely love the guy like a brother. I don’t see us ever not being in each other’s lives. I could go on about his best qualities.
But respectfully… Dave has all my worst traits, but turned up to 100. I struggle with depression and social anxiety too, but I’ve been putting in the effort to turn things around: I’ve been exercising, getting outside, forcing myself into small social situations, and trying to look after myself even on the rough days.
Dave, on the other hand, has been going the opposite direction. He barely leaves the house anymore. His hygiene has dropped off dramatically. He doesn’t try to take care of himself physically or emotionally, and whenever I gently encourage him, he brushes it off or gives me the ‘what’s the point?’ line. I’m not a therapist, and I’ve told him that. I can support him, but I can’t fix him.
The recurring issue is this: Dave has never been romantic with anyone, which isn’t a problem on its own. I’ve had my own struggles in that area, and being single is not a character flaw. The problem is that every few weeks he spirals into a rant about how unfair life is, how “no girl will ever want someone like him,” and how the universe has personally decided he doesn’t get love.
Last week during a call, I snapped. Not yelling, just brutal honesty.
I told him, ‘You never leave the house, you don’t shower, you don’t groom yourself, and you spend all day doom-scrolling and feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t expect someone to magically appear when you’re doing nothing to make yourself feel better or put yourself out there. Even if it’s not guaranteed, you’re making your odds worse. Honestly you’re starting to think like an incel’.
He absolutely lost it. He called me unsupportive, rude, and even called me a traitor. Then he said some genuinely nasty things about my ex-fiancée leaving me. It was stuff that came out of nowhere and cut pretty deep.
I hung up.
He’s tried calling me a few times since, but I haven’t picked up because I’m still heated and honestly a bit hurt. I’m sure we will eventually talk things out but I’m very nervous about our next conversation too.
So… AITAH for finally giving him the reality check he’s refused to hear for years?
NTA he needed to hear it and nobody else was about to tell him
NTA. Part of having long standing close friends is that they get to be actually honest with us. Sometimes even things that make you feel bad are also true and it’s those deep friendships that allow us to say it out loud.
This and emphasize that it’s a BENEFIT of having long standing friendships!
NTA he needed to hear that
100% NTA
Blah blah don’t light yourself on fire to warm someone else. People can listen to self inflicted drama for only so much. Now with that out of the way
You tried many times to be gentle. You then tried being just honest and got shut down. Maybe pick up the next time and see how he feels. People make mistakes but people can also double down. Maybe he realized his fault and wants to apologize. Maybe he wants to double down. Only way to find out is to pick up the phone next time if you don’t want to call him yourself, then go from there. If you don’t talk, well then things are already done anyway.
NTA, honestly things like this usually end one of two ways: they hit rock bottom and then find the sub basement, or they wake up before then.
“The ‘what’s the point?” line is concerning. As are the hygiene issues. He may need to be evaluated for depression. It can cause the things you are describing.
not everyone’s depression is equal. sometimes effort isn’t enough. but your right about not being able to fix him. if he’s severely isolating , he would absolutely benefit from treatment. you responded out of frustration and incel dread, he responded out of hurt, betrayal of loyalty and feeling judged. both of you need to forgive and he should seek professional help and stop leaning on you so hard.
You held up a much needed mirror in front of his face and he did not like what was reflected back. That’s a problem he can do something about but is choosing not to. NTA.
NTA – he needs therapy. We can’t be close with people who hate themselves, hate life and refuse to help themselves. It’s too draining. You are under no obligation to talk to him or respond when he insulted you so deeply. Being in pain is no excuse to willfully harm another person.
NTA, he needed to hear it. He clearly needs help, I hope he gets it. The best you can do is keep encouraging him, but at the end of the day, he needs to take steps to help himself.
NAH. he’s definitely depressed, but he’s probably also falling into some incel spiral. You didn’t handle it well, but it’s understandable to be frustrated
NTA – a friend will tell you what you want to hear. A true friend will tell you what you NEED to hear.
I was about 25% of the way through your post and I started thinking this guy was an incel before you mentioned it. He needed to hear it because he’s spiralling into repetitive thoughts that can be tough to break free from.
Take some time to cool off and then answer his calls.
NTA. Dave is stuck in a self-pity loop. His logic that the universe is “targeting” him is a hallmark of that toxic mindset. Calling it out is an attempt to save him from a very dark path.