To preface a bit, I (20F) have recently let my sister (18F) move in with me. At first I was excited about this because I was getting her out of my dad’s toxic household, and on top of that I was happy that we had opportunities to get closer now. I love my sister and have always wanted to be close, but we have had a lot of falling outs. I figured this time it could all be resolved and we could have the relationship I wanted; however, I was wrong.
My sister since the around 2 years we haven’t lived together has changed. She’s become a sensitive person to a pretty high degree. She will get angry at me a lot and tell me I am rude for small things. This I don’t have much of a problem with, and I’ll often apologize and try to be aware of how she feels, but usually she doesn’t accept it. She will eventually storm off screaming or crying, and sometimes will drive off erratically while sobbing. It’s been things as little as her saying I don’t say anything outright rude, but the tone I use is rude, or she will say sometimes if I choose not to sit by her at the table I’m being rude. If I tell her I wasn’t trying to be and apologize it’s not good enough. She wants me to admit every time that I’m rude and if I don’t agree, she will storm off sobbing. A lot of times when she storms off like this, we don’t end up having rational conversations and she will hold grudges, and often bring up these instances later just to argue about them more.
I feel confused a lot because I have tried apologizing and talking to her but it’s not enough, she’s still angry, but I don’t necessarily understand what else I’m supposed to do. Ive even offered to buy her lunch or take her places she enjoys going, even cancelling important plans before, but no matter what she says I’m rude and don’t care about her.
Recently we went on a trip where we stayed at a hotel together. This trip meant a lot to me because I got to meet celebrities I really liked. My sister was driving in an area she didn’t know, and I had GPS connected to her car. The GPS told her to turn right and for some reason she didn’t, and I told her she missed the turn and she started screaming at me, saying “well if you would’ve told me to turn there I would’ve known” and blaming me. We started arguing (I know this is partly my fault) and it ended with her sobbing in a parking lot we didn’t even know saying that I ruin her life. She then refused to stop to get me food because she was mad at me and refused to talk to me most of the trip, basically ruining it for me in the process after knowing how long I had waited.
After this encounter I told her I didn’t feel comfortable with her going on any other trips I have planned this year. I feel guilty bc she thinks I don’t care about her, but I don’t want all these trips to revolve around her lashing out. Some of my family tells me I’m just not accepting that she’s different than me, so I’m not sure if there’s something I’m missing bc I just don’t understand anymore. AITAH?
This is so much deeper than not going on an occasional trip with her. She needs a serious awakening of how she talks to others, what her expectations should be, and how to control her outbursts. NTA, I wouldn’t want to hang out with her either.
NTA. Highly recommend therapy for her, sounds like there might be a lot of pent up anger she doesn’t know how to deal with and you’re her punching bag. Maybe living together isn’t the best idea either.
I didn’t mention it in this post because there’s a word limit, but I’ve also considered kicking her out. I know living with our father was rough for her, but I feel like I am trying to also heal from it and she’s making my peace harder to come by.
She gets offended anytime someone tells her in our family she needs therapy because she thinks there’s nothing wrong with her, and she always says she’s allowed to be upset when people are rude to her. She’s convinced she’s never overreacting.
Then set a boundary. If she lives with you, she goes to therapy. If not, she needs to go elsewhere.
NTA. She needs professional help. She may have gone through a lot but that’s not an excuse for her to lash out every single damn time and cry about it. She’s an adult, she should be able to regulate her emotions properly.
You mentioned that your father’s household was “toxic” and I think that might have more to do with what’s going on than what you mentioned in the post itself. When I officially cut ties with my toxic parent it was a long process that took years even after moving out from under their roof. Immediately after severing ties I know I entered a somewhat selfish state of mind thinking it was how I needed to protect myself – especially from family – and it wasn’t until lots and lots of therapy later until I realized that my “protection method” was only making my actually healthy relationships worse. OP, you’re NTA, but I don’t think your sister is 100% TA either. I think she needs help. And if you’re able to provide a space for her to grow while receiving that help from a professional, then great! May your relationship grow for the better. But space from family on a whole might be something she’ll ask for in the process and be prepared for it to suck, but I do hope it leads to a brighter future together. Good luck, OP. I hope you and your sister come out of this happy.
You’ve made me view things a bit different from this, thank you. Our dad was very neglectful and selfish so I’m assuming she doesn’t know any better.
In my experience after moving from our father, I realized I never wanted anyone or myself to feel the way he made me feel, and I started giving to people a lot. I guess that’s where part of my guilt comes from setting this boundary on my sister, and also being her older sister I feel like I need to try to protect her, and it hurts because often it feels like she just pushes me away. I guess the trauma affected us both differently, and I didn’t really view it that way until your comment.
Since that trip I’ve realized giving my sister time to process her feelings rather than trying to compensate for upsetting her has helped, but there’s more tension and it’s harder to live with her, which is an environment I also don’t want on any of these trips.
I do appreciate your comment a lot though, it’s definitely given me something to work with.
NTA. If every disagreement ends with screaming, sobbing, reckless driving, and blame, then the issue isn’t your tone – it’s her inability to regulate emotions.
NTA, you are not responsible for her happiness. You gave her a safe place to live. You can always invite her to move out and go somewhere else, youre not conjoined twins.
Edited to add, in all seriousness she needs some professional help. Growing up in a toxic place affects everyone differently, please convince her she needs counseljng
Her father’s house obviously did some emotional damage to her. Don’t pity her, she needs help.
NTA. You don’t need to take her everywhere. You have a life to live, live it.
It sounds like you’re both suffering the effects of living with your abusive father. She is reactive. You are over apologetic. From what you’ve described, this is an unsustainable situation. Perhaps therapy could help you both.