A friend of mine gave me a violin. It wasn’t a close friend, and it was an expensive gift, so I was a little shocked. They put a note with it saying something along the lines of, "This is from your favorite friend, so and so, enjoy. Also, come by and play with our band group."
About 2 years later they sent me a text saying, "If you’re not using that violin, I have another friend who needs it. And you never came by to play with us."
Which I understand now that they gave it to me expecting me to go play with them, and I didn’t because I don’t particularly enjoy playing in crowds. And I didn’t play it often at home either, so I understand where they’re coming from. But I don’t think it’s normal to take a gift back for any reason. Because I myself would never do that. It’s just hard for me to understand the whole situation from an emotional standpoint. Logically it makes sense.
So, what I did was I sent them a text back saying something like, "That’s not very nice, please tell people in advance the thing your giving them is a loan, because I was under the impression it was a gift." Then they said, "It’s your choice to give it back or not, but your not using it." and I just decided to give it back. I still feel hurt over it. And there’s other things I’ve been gifted I don’t use much that those friends and some other friends have been asking me to give back. Those I will not return unless the gift giver comes up to me personally and asks for them back, which I’m sure they won’t. My close friends are not very happy with them because if they see one tear shed over anything they go ballistic.
So I feel a little conflicted. Both sides have points, I think the only thing is whether it’s socially acceptable to take gifts back, or if that’s something you should never do.
You have more than one friend that asks for gifts back?
How did they even know you weren’t using it?
Yeah, there’s like 3 of them. They talk with each other and rile themselves up too.
They would ask me if I was getting better at playing when we saw each other. That might have been part of it. I told them I still wasn’t very good with it.
NTA I guess….it’s been 2 years so asking for it back is a little presumptuous however you already found it weird they gave you such a gift, and if they said come by and play and you never did, it all just seems weird. Had you talked about playing together and that’s why the gift was made?
I think you made the right call, you never came by, you don’t use it, so go ahead and give it back.
But I’m curious about ‘I have other friends give me stuff and ask for it back’….that’s highly unusual. Need to understand more about why that’s happening, sounds like your ‘friends’ have a habit of gifting with strings attached and you don’t play the game with them of giving back what’s expected, so now they want the ‘gift’ back.
Maybe stop accepting gifts from these friends, or make sure you’re clear on the intent of the gift before accepting.
INFO: When they gave you the violin, did they say it was yours to keep, or did they make it clear they expected you to join their band? Also, what are these “other things” friends are asking back?
NAH. They didn’t take a gift back. They had a friend who could use a thing and they knew you had that thing and weren’t using it. The only issue you have is it coincidentally the person asking is the person who originally gifted it.
If this was gifted by your parents and your best friend said “hey, you know that violin you don’t use? We could let this other friend use it!” You wouldn’t feel this way.
W/e your issue is with gifts and these friends who want o give back, thats a seperate issue that should not control this otherwise innocuous action of a close friend trying to help use some junk thats just taking up space in your home.
I think it’s strange to ask for a gift back but if I don’t care one way or the other, then I would probably give it back. Once I gave back a ring that my mother had given me and was pestering me for because it was a ring she had had for years. I gave it back assuming I would eventually get it back after she died but she turned around and gave it to my sister a few years later and lied about it. It felt so disrespectful. NTA
YTA. You should not have accepted the expensive gift.
NTA…I think their gift was inappropriate. I think their expectations were manipulative. I also think that you should have understood the expectations when expecting it. All that said, you don’t ask for something back two years later.
I mean you said it was an expensive gift from someone that you don’t consider a close friend and you’re not using it so…
No matter what the reason it was given to you, it was a gift, not a loan. And if you give a gift with stipulations, then you need to make that clear. Taking a gift back after 2 years is an asshole move. NTA. And how do they know you’re not using it?
NTA. It is NOT normal to ask for a gift back. I wonder if you are the first person who was gifted this violin or if there were others before you. It’s so weird that I’d probably return the gift that you don’t really use – and then distance yourself from these people.
NTA But this particular time it’s already done, so I’d take an easy come, easy go attitude to that one instance — but make use of it by telling all of these friends that you are absolutely not playing the “my gift was actually a loan” game with anyone any more. If they don’t want to actually give something to you they should not give it in the first place. That’s fine. That’s better Than a gift with a big rubber band attached to it. Just to let them know, the answer from now on is automatically “no” and you’ll be sticking to that.
(Yeah, the one friend will know clearly how you feel about what he did, but so what? He was the one who initiated this whole thing. What he did left a bad taste in the mouth. He should know that.)
Him: “But you chose to give it back.”
You: “True. But just you asking made things awkward. That tension would have stayed until I resolved it. I did that last time by giving the violin back. Now I’m cutting off the possibility of that situation arising in the future. I don’t want to deal with that again, but I won’t be solving the issue by giving my gifts back every time.”
INFO: Were you using the violin? And if not, why does it matter that they asked to give it to someone who would? And then, if you *were* using it, why wouldn’t you just let them know that you do use it and would like to keep it? Seems clear they only asked for it back on the condition that you weren’t using it.