I’m a licensed counselor for over two decades with a PhD so I have a lot of knowledge on mental and developmental disorders. A lot of my clients are either diagnosed with a mental condition, neurodivergent, or related to someone who is. I’ve been in my stepdaughter’s life since she was a toddler. I met my husband shortly after his divorce with his ex-wife, my stepdaughter’s mother. Several years later we had our bio daughter together who’s 25. My husband is 64 and so is his ex. Stepdaughter was diagnosed with autism at 6 and has overcome many challenges. I’m very proud of her, we all are! We all had split custody of her. She’s been living independently for over several years and graduated college over a year ago. She’s also currently engaged.
Unfortunately, the past 8 years her relationship with my husband has slowly deteriorated. It began around 2018 when she moved into her first apartment with her toxic ex who ended up r’png her. No pregnancy thankfully. She didn’t tell anyone for a couple years and that frustrated my husband when he found out. I’ll admit I didn’t expect him to blow up at her but he was only very worried for her and loves her very much. We were more than willing to help my stepdaughter if she had told us right away. I teach my clients that intentions mean everything and while my husband has a bipolar diagnosis, his intentions are pure. She also took 7 years to graduate college which upset my husband only because he was worried it would affect her job prospects. For reference our bio daughter took 3 and a half years to graduate college and has a great career in the same field as me at the company I work for. We’re extremely proud of her hard work!
Our daughter got married last year and my husband covered her wedding and honeymoon as she has a lot of student loan debt. He won’t be covering my stepdaughter’s wedding, only because she has no student loan debt. During college she was awarded several scholarships from Autism Speaks and a few other nonprofits. She works part time as a substitute teacher for special ed. She’s financially struggling. I tried encouraging her to apply to more jobs. She keeps saying that she’s applied to hundreds and that the job market is unkind to people like her. Her last two jobs she said she was fired when she requested accommodations. My husband and I believe she’s exaggerating as she tends to do so. I have neurodivergent clients who are doing great career-wise!
Her and her father got into another argument over a month ago regarding her career struggles and we haven’t heard from her since. My husband tried reaching out. He left her voicemails how much he loves her and wants the best for her but no response. He loves both his daughters so much. As a clinical therapist, her autism does cause her to overreact to things. I’ve tried explaining to her dozens of times in the past that he really means well but she won’t believe me. She says my husband and I are prioritizing her younger sister. AITA?
Holy fuck YTA. How can you have sympathy for your clients but not your daughter?? Sweet Jesus, no wonder she went no contact
Its not “her” daughter. So she doesnt care.
ETA: YTA 100X over. Your husband is an abuser. You think prayer will fix him. You enable his behavior. You need to give up your license.
You are teaching your daughter bio daughter to put up with abuse and shaming the only one that wont put up with it.
YTA. But I hope youre happy with your daughter vs his other kid that you successfully drove away.
Shes an adult and has decided to cut contact and thats her right.
Eta. Also you should go back to school. Get up to date on how things work since youve had your license for so long it’s out of date.
(I think you’ve gotta pay a fee and take a certain # of classes to have it renewed. Making sure your up to date on knowledge)
and how u speak about someone with autism that was a victim of SA. Shows youre not up to date with how to be a good therapist. Heck a good human.
YTA. I don’t get your reasoning. If she has no student loan debt, that’s a big deal. Dad should at least give her the same amount of money he spent on the other daughter. You’re trying to use her autism against her.
>My husband and I believe she’s exaggerating as she tends to do so.
her autism does cause her to overreact to things.
And you’re a therapist?? Glad you’re not mine.
> My husband and I believe she’s exaggerating as she tends to do so
YTA.
You just said this about someone was a victim of SA where you said
> We were more than willing to help my stepdaughter if she had told us right away.
Extreme AH.
YTA. I am shocked that you can’t see it. Glad you’re not my therapist.
YTA. I’m curious, you being a licensed therapist, why you’re making excuses for a bi-polar man who is driving his daughter away. He is still responsible for his own behaviour, and if it’s overbearing, she should at least be able to get sympathy out of you. I don’t read any of that in your post.
I can see where she gets the idea about you loving her sister more than her. She doesn’t have student loan debt, but she is actually financially struggling, whereas the sister has student loan debt but it sounds like she’s more gainfully employed. Made up numbers, but… If the sister has $100k in student loan debt, but reliably makes $60k/year, and your stepdaughter has no debt, but is struggling to stay employed and manage her basic necessities… how, exactly do you justify paying for the wedding for the financially stable child and not the one who is struggling?
It’s a pretty obvious case of favouritism. Your stepdaugher isn’t meeting her father’s expectations, not that she probably could meet them with the challenges she’s facing. His expectations are based on neurotypical expectations, and that’s not her. His reactions are also beyond what is neurotypical, because of his bi-polar disorder… which you excude repeatedly in this post, while suggesting that stepdaughter isn’t trying hard enough.
How can you say “As a clinical therapist, her autism does cause her to overreact to things” followed immediately by “I’ve tried explaining to her dozens of times in the past that he means really well.”
Why do you make excuses for him and not her? Where’s the support for her? Is there a clinical therapy based reason why his actions are excusable and hers are not? Is there a clinical therapy based reason to doubt her ability to job hunt or the social and systemic challenges she might face
He can SAY he loves his daughters equally and still treat one preferentially. So can you, and you’re both guilty of it. At the moment, she’s better off figuring out how to live without you, and I hope she has a counsellor or therapist to talk to who is willing to tell her that her dad doesn’t get a pass just because if one isn’t being offered to her as well.
YTA
I find it unfair that you are not paying for your step-daughter’s wedding to an equal level as your bio-daughter. That’s playing favorites. The excuse that your step daughter doesn’t have loans is bullshit. You are essentially punishing her for her success.
> I teach my clients that intentions mean everything
I call bullshit. The road to Hades is paved with good intentions.
I’m not saying that intentions don’t matter, but they are not enough. Repeatedly, your husband has acted very poorly toward his daughter. Doesn’t matter if he had good intentions. He hurt her. And you just keep on defending him, because his intentions were pure.
As a victim of abuse, I have learned that explanations don’t excuse bad behavior. He as acted very poorly toward his daughter numerous times. That has a cost on her and her relationship.
Given how she expects him to react, I can see why she isn’t open with him (and you) about her life. She knows she’s going to be judged, so why put herself through that. (And your post seethes of judgement toward her. e.g. so what if other autistic people can handle a professional job. That doesn’t mean that all can.)
It is time to start holding your husband accountable for his failures as a father. It is time to hold yourself accountable for your own clear biases and holder your step-daughter to unrealistic standards.
The first thing you both need to do is find a way to rebuild her trust in you.
From what you’ve written here, I know I wouldn’t be open about my life with you or your husband.
Sorry, did I read that your husband “blew up” at his daughter in response to her telling him that her ex raped her?
Oh its even worst read some of the comments on AITAH she posted the same thing but it was removed.
She said her husband apologizes for yelling every time theyd see each other. But the daughter refuses and says its not enough.
OP thinks it should be enought.
She needs to lose her license. Also reminder OP your kids not special. SHES A NEPO HIRE. Couldnt do it without you.
At least step daughter can get a job on her own merit.
You teach your clients that intentions mean everything??? YTA.
Gods above and below. There are so many things wrong with that.
YTA.
You give everyone grace but her. You can assume there was already a reason she did not tell you about her rape. Then SHE TOLD YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND BLEW UP AT HER??? He is allowed to be measured by his intentions and his bipolar disorder gives him a pass, but your stepdaughter gets nothing whatsoever? What kind of love is that supposed to be?
You actively downplay her achievements, ridicule her struggles and invalidate her experiences. You husband “was upset”? You bet she was upset, too! Why on earth would you not believe her when she tells you something? Does she have an established issue with lying? Why do you accuse her if exxagerating when she tells you about the job problems? You MUST know that job scarcity and discrimination are real things that happen to real people.
For what it’s worth, “I have clients who are doing great” is the most cop-out bullshit strawman argument you could come up with. I hope you don’t mess up your clients as bad as you did your stepdaughter. Enjoy life with your perfect neurorypical daughter who can do no wrong. You failed your stepdaughter horribly and I wish her real friends and a peaceful life away from you.
Your husband losing his rag at his neurodivergent daughter every time she needs his support is not an exhibition of his love for her. Jesus Christ, seriously, your daughter confides to her father that she was in an abusive relationship and his response is to further abuse her?
I can’t believe that you’re a mental health doctor and you haven’t encouraged that walking red flag to get some therapy to deal with his anger, and to develop strategies to communicate better with his neurodivergent daughter. YTA, and so is your husband.
And none of this even scratched the surface of the unequal financial treatment of her and the golden child. Urgh.
YTA.
“I teach my clients that intentions mean everything.”
They don’t though. Intent isn’t magic. It doesn’t mitigate the impact of one’s actions. Both you and your husband seem pretty clearly to favor your daughter, and the way you reacted to your stepdaughter’s sexual assault is absolutely horrific. She told you on her own time, when she was ready. As a mental health professional (!) you should be equipped to understand the reasons why a person might choose to do that, and you should have collected your husband when he responded badly to not hearing about it immediately.
“I have neurodivergent clients who are doing great, career-wise!”
Yeah, it’s almost like neurodivergent people are all individuals, not one singular monolith that you can paint with a broad brush. JFC.
“She says we’re prioritizing her younger sister.”
You are. Small wonder she’s cut contact. Good for her, tbh.