My cousin, who I would say I’m very close with, asked me to be a part of her wedding (she gave me about 7 months notice). However, the wedding will fall right in the middle of a two week long vacation in Europe that has been planned a year in advance with my family as well as my in-laws (husband’s parents, siblings and their children). The flights and hotels are already paid for and are unfortunately not refundable, so we would be out several thousands if we cancelled.
I let my cousin know of my vacation plans when she sent us the invite but she suggested that I could maybe move our vacation dates or come back early. I have a small child, so I don’t really want to leave her in a foreign country with my husband. My husband also isn’t keen on the idea of the three of us bailing on his family in the middle of the trip. I told her I would think about it, but after a few weeks I finally told her that I don’t think I would be able to attend her wedding. I felt absolutely terrible. I even offered to cover the costs of her flowers or cake because I want her to know that this isn’t just about money. She is very upset, didn’t respond when I explained why I wouldn’t be able to make it, and is currently not speaking to me. Our mutual friends and family members have also
made several comments to me stating that I can always vacation some other time but her wedding will only happen once. Am I the asshole in this situation and should I rethink our vacation plans?
I should also note that this is her second wedding. She had a court house wedding and dinner party last year, which I did attend.
NTA. Ur life doesn’t revolve around her so don’t feel guilty. U have ur own family and plans, that was planned way in advance. The overlap is unfortunate, but u also got plans and obligations. Plus, it’s her second wedding and u did attend her first.
NTA.
Non matching scheduled sometimes happen, and it’s nobody’s fault.
My best friend independently scheduled his marriage on the same day as me, and we only found out when I invited him to mine.
NTA only giving 7 months notice means people will have plans, when we were booking our wedding date we specifically checked any “no go” dates with the most important guests before to ensure that this didn’t happen
>her wedding will only happen once
>this is her second wedding
So you have attended her wedding, and it’s literally happening twice
Enjoy your holiday
NTA
You made the non-refundable plans for this trip prior to when your cousin invited you to be a part of her wedding. You are already booked for those dates. Bailing on those dates would also be detrimental to some important relationships in your life that don’t involve her.
*…she suggested that I could maybe move our vacation dates or come back early.*
That is not a reasonable request. Your cousin has main character syndrome. Are you supposed to put your life on hold every time she has a wedding service? In a couple of years it will be a vow renewal. I also wouldn’t offer an extravagant gift, for a second service no less. You are enabling her. A simple, sorry, unable to attend due to prior commitments, is all that is required. If she’s mad, she’s mad. NTA
Maybe she can move her wedding?
You’re absolutely NTA.
It’s a hard situation and it’s not the fault of you or your husband/in-laws that she scheduled her vow renewal during your pre-planned/paid for vacation.
She should show you some grace. Your offer to cover flowers was beyond generous. Her response and that of your family feels very entitled.
NTA, sometimes schedules don’t meet up. Have fun on your vacation, catch her next wedding.
NTA – Though I would have told her right away that it was not possible instead of waiting a few weeks.
NTA. You already have plans that can’t be changed. If your attendance was so important she should’ve consulted you before locking in a date. I mean, couldn’t she change the date of her wedding, just like she asked you to change the date of your vacation? /s Especially since this is really just the reception and not the legal marriage.
If you are close to her how did she not know that you had plans already ?
LOL! You buried the lede in the last paragraph! NTA. You’ve already watched her get married and she waited too long to schedule her second (!) wedding.
Who has a “second wedding” a year after the first?! Is that with the same person?
If so, that’s even more crazy! Absolutely NTA.
NTA.
Your cousin is being completely unreasonable.
If your presence at her wedding was so important to her, she would have checked dates with you before booking the venue and asked you to be a bridesmaid sooner than 7 months prior.
She is allowed to feel disappointed that you have already made non refundable plans a year in advance, but being angry with you for not changing your plans is completely unreasonable.
It’s rude of her and your family to be passing the blame onto you. Continue to tell them “I wish I had been told the dates of the wedding sooner. I would have kept that date clear in my calendar for this wedding, but I can’t commit to an event I wasn’t informed about.” End of story.
For her to even suggest you leave an international vacation in the middle of it is laughable.
Enjoy your vacation with absolutely zero guilt.
NtA.
YOU don’t NEED to be there for her wedding. Her and her partner have to be there. Everyone else is a bonus.
And is she’s already married than she’s not inviting you to her wedding. She’s inviting you to a party to celebrate a 1 year old marriage.
Stop offering her stuff because you feel guilty. And stop feeling guilty. You have nothing to be guilty of. She invited you to a party and you can’t go because you have plans with your family.