So supposedly I’m TA for what I said to my dad, and to be real, I don’t think what I said was wrong because it gets to a point where you need to act like an adult. My grandma made this come so why not get second opinions. Also cross post!
Op(17F)
So my mom and dad are going through a divorce because he wanted to cheat and chose a younger girl that only cares for his money over his year long marriage and kids. My dad lives in his apartment while my mom kept the house, my younger siblings go to his house because they don’t understand it fully. I don’t go over like that, I don’t look at him the same. I remember they used to look so happy but now everything is sad looking. My dad doesn’t look the same, he’s fatter when he used to be buff, growing out his facial hair, more lazy. ( here is where people feel bad for this poor man lol)
One day in the middle of the night I hear this aggregating nonsense, it was my dad banging on the door crying. It’s actually embarrassing to have a father like this, he was drunk and stunk so bad, don’t get how people drink that poison. He wanted to get my mom back, should’ve never did it. He didn’t leave so she ended up calling the police, it was so embarrassing because the neighbors seen everything. This time I did go to my dad’s house because my sister. I went and my dad was surprised I was there because we don’t talk much or see each other anymore. Would not stop bugging me, asking me questions, etc.
It came down to night time, my dad putting sisters to bed, I was on the couch watching Naruto. He finished washing the dishes and went to his office, about 1am I hear him come out his office muffling words. That told me he was drunk again, I got up so I could go to sleep and not deal with him until he asked me a question. He asked if my mom still loves him, with a glass in his hand and red eyes.
I don’t know how he wanted me to answer that, that’s for my mom to answer so I told him I didn’t know and good night. But he didn’t stop there, he got aggressive and started crying saying to please answer him, saying why doesn’t mommy want him anymore. It was pitiful seeing the man who was fun, energetic, just turn out like this. I was mad that I had to deal with this when I wanted to sleep so I told him to suck it up and be a man.
**My definition of be a man for my dad is to take responsibility because he’s acting like he’s the victim. That made me mad because you have no right to act like you were hurt and got cheated on, I don’t think it’s fair to my mom so that’s my definition. Take it how yall want it because I won’t explain again and again.**
That’s why my grandma said that, kinda crazy when people hear a cheating man cry, they think he’s a victim but what about my mom? The one who’s the actual victim but oh the man is always important so who cares if he cheated because he regrets it so he deserves grace, what a world. But if anyone wants to say it was harsh then ok well, think about what my mom is going through. Cheating on your wife of 34 years is harsh, blaming your children for your choices is harsh, trying to make people feel bad for you when your the villain is harsh so I didn’t care what hurt him because he hurt my mother.
“When someone has destroyed their marriage and their childrens’ family by cheating, then deciding to get drunk, cry about it to their children, getting told to deal with the consequences of your own actions is literally the calmest thing op could have said. It’s not on the childrens responsibility to coddle adults, who cannot handle their own emotions”
NTA – Your dad is feeling sorry for himself as well as not taking care of himself. You’re not obligated to play telephone between your parents either.
NTA with slight ESH.
Your dad fucked up big time. And I won’t blame your mom or you for not forgiving him. He’s the Asshole – without a doubt.
Slight ESH because I’m not a fun of “be a man”, especially if it’s used as “stop crying, don’t have emotions.” Your dad feels shitty, that’s absolutely understandable, although he’s the only person responsible for it. He should get help, professional help if possible. Putting the burden of his emotions on the people he hurt is an absolutely shitty move. But bottling up these emotions is not what he should be doing. He should be working through them without involving you or your mom. “Get help.” Would’ve been a ‘better’ reaction in my opinion.
It’s not childrens responsibility to coddle an adult man who has made multiple bad decisions and fucked things up on purpose.
NTA. Next time ask him if he’d love her if she cheated on him
Also “be a man” needs to be replaced with “be an adult who acknowledges & accepts the consequences of their behavior “
Well that is my definition lol
NTA
I normally despise using the phrases “suck it up” and “be a man” on people going through emotional grief, but your father is reaping what he sowed. Him running and hiding inside a bottle of alcohol doesn’t help either.
ESH
Cheating is never an okay thing. He cheated and now he’s paying the consequences. That said, you are also an asshole. First off, a 17 year old girl telling a grown man that’s clearly battling depression to “be a man” and suck it up” is exactly why lots of men keep their feelings bottled up. Women want men to be in touch with their feelings but the minute we do and show some emotion, you get “embarrassed” and talk down to him.
It wasn’t the *worst* thing you could have said, but what you said is not the point.
You shouldn’t ever have been put in a position where you had to console your drunk father about his regrettable life choices.
So it’d be NTA no matter what.
NTA. That’s what you call ✨ consequences ✨ for his actions.
Let me guess: the grandmother who thought YTA is his mother. And how does she even know you said that to him? Did he run to his mommy to cry about it? Perhaps if she taught her son to be a real man he wouldn’t have been cheating and his kids wouldn’t look at him like the joke that he is.
Yup that’s his mother, she’s a woman from the older generation that doesn’t believe in that divorce thing and want to make it work even when their husband did something bad. She’s still with her cheater husband, my dad probably got it from his dad.
NTA my dad was similar. I have vivid memories of the court mandated phone calls from my dad containing lots of “why won’t mommy let daddy come home”, “why doesn’t mommy love daddy anymore”, “I didn’t mean to hurt mommy, why won’t she forgive me” bs. Putting kids in the middle of these types of conflicts will always make the offending party the asshole, and honestly that was probably the fairest kindest thing you could have said in response. Had I been you at that age I probably would’ve said “she probably doesn’t, or at least doesn’t want to, and it’s your own damn fault.” If this behavior continues, it is toxic and you will need to advocate for your younger siblings in front of a judge to get them to limit contact until he proves trustworthy.
NTA. He doesn’t deserv to be the victim. If he regrets what he did he has to do a LOT of work to make it better (if even possible) and not just feeling pitty about himself drinking him to sleep and bothering his children.