I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years. I had known from the start she suffered from depression, it was initially quite bad but after the first 6 months or so things started looking up and were great for a couple of years.
The last probably year and a half to two years, she has been up and down and I’ve tried to be supportive but for the last year things have just been going downhill.
We still go on dates etc but she’ll spend a lot of it complaining about something or talking bout how low she’s been feeling.
Most evenings are the same, she’ll sit and complain about things or just be quiet and say she’s not feeling great.
She has had free therapy on the NHS and is on antidepressants but won’t talk to her doctor about possibly changing them or upping the dose.
I told her we needed to talk and I just told her that I wasn’t happy. I pointed out most of our time is spent complaining or being negative and that we don’t have any fun anymore.
I pointed out even on holiday she’ll find anything to complain about every day instead of just trying to enjoy herself and it’s becoming draining.
I said I want to be happy and actually look forward to things and enjoy myself but it’s not happening anymore because every time we have plans I’m just wondering when she’s going to start complaining.
She said I was being unfair and holding her mental health issues over her head but I just explained that I was just telling her how I felt.
She said I was judging her for having mental health issues but I just said again that this isn’t about her. It’s about how I’m feeling yet she’s making herself into the victim straight away.
She said I was being too harsh and she can’t help it so I shouldn’t be blaming her for it.
AITA for telling her how I feel?
I would see the depression and the complaining as separate (maybe connected) issues.
Would she be open to couples counselling?
NTA
This. I have mental health issues myself.. but make an effort to acknowledge that they are MY problem, and though things in the world and interactions with others can definitely affect those.. it is my own job (not that of others. Though they might help, nobody can ever “save” somebody else. at least in a healthy manner) to try to find solutions and not hinder the lives of others too much. It’s never a clearcut or straight line.. but even if and when things that affect our lives and personality (disorder?) may not be our FAULT, trying to deal with them does end up our RESPONSIBILITY.
She sounds manipulative, outside of just the problems you mentioned. You’re not responsible for consistently having to manage your own feelings around someone else’s problems, regardless of what those are. I don’t think this is a problem about depression, regardless, NTA
NTA. Don’t waste anymore years on someone who only brings you down. If she is not willing to get the help needed, there is absolutely nothing to support. You are not a doctor and cannot help her. You deserve a happy life and it sounds like she’ll never be happy.
NTA. As long as you are not blaming her for her mental health issues, you are not being unfair. What you are doing is telling her (as objectively as you possibly can) how her behaviors (which are a consequence of her issues) are affecting you. Not everyone has the personality to live with someone whose behaviors are like hers. It seems to me like you have a very difficult decision to make.
Both my sister and daughter suffer from depression. Both are on meds to modify that and they also attend counseling to talk through their difficulties. Neither complain all the time. I realize all people are different, but the complaining and constantly having the focus on herself is a choice she’s making (in my opinion) and not related to her depression. I think it’s time for you to move on and find someone willing to be a partner and not a drag. You’re NTA.
Yeah, I don’t think complaining is a symptoms of depression. Some people just like to whinge. Definitely NTA.
What you might want to do is talk to her about what’s keeping her from talking to her doctor about adjusting her medication. It may even be the depression itself that’s keeping her from being able to get to the doctor. Depression can deprive you of all energy and motivation. So figuring out what’s going on there might be helpful. Is she seeing a therapist? That’s generally a good idea rather than just seeing someone for the medication.
You have a right to be happy, and making sure her depression is being managed in the best way is important for both of you.
NTA. This is your life, too, and you do not need to spend it with someone who is unhappy and makes your one life experience unhappy. You aren’t married. You don’t have children. I’m not seeing anything that suggests you should have to tether yourself.
You’re NTA. You’re allowed to exprerss your feelings just as much as she does and your feelings are perfectly valid. A relationship can never be just about one person. Unfortunately, one side-effect of depression is a loss of empathy for other people. She just can’t understand your needs let alone prioritise them occasionally. You obviously love her if you’ve stayed this long, but you also need to love yourself and you deserve to find your own happiness.
NTA. She is refusing to seek improved care for her mental health. That’s not ok. Her mental health problems do not mean you are not allowed to have a voice , especially when they are negatively impacting your relationship .
Nta. And I say this as someone with depression and anxiety. During my down times which my husband and I refer to as depression holes we change dynamics a bit. I do better with more alone time and focusing on hobbies. I’m thankful I’m usually able to rebound within a month or so. Also very thankful I haven’t been down since becoming a mom. Do you guys have pets or something for her to focus her energy on? I have an emotional support dog and that was my biggest help at managing.
But ANYONE who uses their mental health to complain to that extent…it’s not just their mental health it’s their personality. And SHE is responsible for talking with her doctor and therapist about it. If she’s that sad clearly the therapy strategy and/or medication combo isn’t working for her.
I wish her well truly, but I would never expect my husband to put up with that level of negativity from me constantly.
Get out. She’s not going to change. You’ve established a dynamic where this is what your relationship is, she complains and you listen. Changing is hard, which is why she doesn’t want to do it. Get out now, before you lose more of your life to her mental health problems. NTA