I’m gonna try to explain this without rambling too much, but there’s a lot of context.
I (M, college age) have been with my girlfriend (F, college age) for about a year and a half. We’ve been living together for around 8 months. I care about her a lot, but lately I just feel… worn down, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m the asshole here or if this relationship just isn’t working anymore.
From pretty early on, I’ve tried to be clear about things that matter to me. Not huge demands, just stuff like asking for space when I say I need it, wanting basic respect in conversations, hygiene stuff when we share food, and not having my generosity slowly turn into an expectation.
The problem is that the same issues keep coming up. Almost every time I bring something up, she apologizes and says she understands. I actually believe she means it. But then a few weeks later, it’s the same thing again. It’s been this loop for months now.
A few examples:
– I’ve asked multiple times for shared food (like butter) not to get crumbs in it. It keeps happening. One time it literally got moldy and we had to throw it out.
– I drive her around a lot using her car, which I never minded at first, but over time it started to feel expected instead of appreciated.
– When I ask her what she thinks about something or ask for clarity, I sometimes get head shakes, “I’m busy,” or explanations instead of a straight answer, even when we’re already mid-conversation.
Living together makes this harder because there’s no real break from it. Small stuff stacks up fast, and I feel like I’m constantly explaining why things matter instead of seeing them change.
Lately I’ve been snapping more than I’m proud of. Cutting her off, saying things like “that’s annoying” or “that’s stupid.” I hate that version of myself. I know that’s not healthy communication. But it feels like calm explanations haven’t worked for so long that I don’t know how else to get through anymore.
What really messes with my head is that she does care. She’ll do nice things, get me food, say she understands. But the actual habits don’t really change, and it leaves me feeling emotionally acknowledged but practically ignored.
The thing that scared me most is I caught myself thinking, “She’s great for college, but I don’t think I could marry her.” I still care about her, but I feel like I’m losing respect while staying because of loyalty and hope.
So yeah. Am I the asshole for snapping after so long? Or am I just staying in something that’s slowly turning into resentment?
I’m honestly trying to reflect and not just blame her. I just don’t know if this is a communication problem, an incompatibility thing, or me failing to handle things better.
It sounds like your relationship is over, you just don’t want to be the one to pull the plug
Yeah .. you can pull the plug and stop all the chaos
Typically a honeymoon phase lasts about 2 years in a relationship. If after 1.5 years you already snap at her and get annoyed, then how do you think it will be after 10 more years?
I don’t think you should continue a relationship when you’re not 100% sure she’s the one. Life gets harder over time and starting with resentments or lack of patience does not give you good views for the future.
You should really feel excited about spending your whole life with her. I think you’re too young to consciously settle for less than that.
But it’s just my general opinion. Maybe your expectations are too high. Maybe you won’t be satisfied unless everything is 100% as you imagined. Maybe it will never be enough (but then you shouldn’t be with her as well). If you know that driving her around makes her happy or less anxious, you should feel happy that you can do something for her. Realistically she won’t be thanking you from the bottom of her heart each time you drive her. But it does not mean she does not appreciate it. So the question is if only knowing that you’re making her life easier is enough for you. Relationships are not transactional. They shouldn’t be. But at the same time you can expect that your wishes are also respected.
I don’t think you’re TA, but I think you’re not compatible.
>– When I ask her what she thinks about something or ask for clarity, I sometimes get head shakes, “I’m busy,” or explanations instead of a straight answer, even when we’re already mid-conversation.
I don’t really understand what you’re saying here. She gives you an explanation rather than an answer?
Isn’t an explanation an answer?
NTA, but keep in mind, when you love with someone, you are basically merging to lives together. Those two lives had different childhoods with different priorities, rules, and expectations. If she’s used to the way she’s been living her life for the past 20 years, it’s likely gonna take a long time to change those every day behaviors.
Try bringing up the idea of having routine check-ins with each other. Go out to eat or to a park, be prepared to discuss any issues calmly and rationally and try to come up with solution together. Things change in relationships all the time and what may be working now, may not work forever. Check-ins help you stay in tune to each others wants and expectations, while also giving you an opportunity to say “me driving you around isn’t working for me like it did before” or whatever other issue has been bothering you.
Relationships take a lot of hard work. If you think it’s worth the work, do it. If not, don’t waste your time or hers.
Why don’t you each have your own butter?
If your wondering if there is someone better for you there is. If you’re wondering if you’ll never find someone better that may be true.
What you need to do is find solutions that work not just in this relationship, but in every relationship.
Co-mmunicate. It requires togetherness.
You’re too young to be the AH. So is she. But you can start learning how to be a better partner now. Regardless if she is the “one”.
ESH. You’re not really “being patient” you’re just enabling her bad behavior. Why are you driving her around in your car? Have you told her that you feel taken advantage of or not? You also sort of sound like you just plain don’t trust her anymore which I get if you’re telling her things bother you and she isn’t making any lasting changes. But she isn’t going to change and honestly if you don’t trust her, there’s no reason to engage in this relationship. You’re both so young.
NTA for feeling upset and frustrated when your relationship isn’t working out. It’s OK to realize she is not the one for you. You cannot change people. Just break up with her kindly and set her free to find her real partner, and you can find yours. It would be very AH-ish of you to keep stringing her along when you are clearly checking out of this relationship. Resentment is not healthy and you will hurt her in the long run.
Are you TA? Yes and no. Not for being frustrated, but for staying with her when this isn’t working. Figure out what you need to do to break up and do it.
Your college will have free counseling; go and get some counseling.
NAH
Ultimately you need to decide if these things are worth breaking up over. It sounds like it is to you. So there’s your answer.
Sounds like an incompatibility thing to me.
You learned something more about yourself. You can learn and move on.
Sounds like the relationship isn’t working. Time to move on.