AITAH? My younger sister (newly 18) had a falling out with my dad. Our parents are divorced and she’s still living at home. She goes between their houses. My dad is a notoriously difficult person to live with. He blew up on her, she blew up on him, he took her phone, she ran next door crying to the neighbors, and my mom came to come get her.
My sister is refusing to go back to my dad’s. Only problem is, my mom lives like an hour from her school. My mom asked if she can stay with me 2-3x a week to give my sister less of a commute. I was very annoyed by this. I understand my dad is hard to live with, but I feel like this isn’t my responsibility…..am I wrong to feel this way??
I said she can come some, but I don’t necessarily want it to be every week. I’m married and I value my spouse and I’s space. It just feels intrusive somehow. I feel like my sister and dad need to make up. He’s her parent and should be housing her. He did apologize to her. Honest thoughts please, even if I’m wrong.
NAH. She’s not the asshole for asking her sister for help, you’re not the asshole for wanting your own space. You are kind of an asshole if you agree to have her in your space and then secretly resent her for it. Aaand you’re kind of the asshole for insisting they just “make up” because it’s inconvenient for you otherwise. You should read about the missing stair, if you haven’t heard of it.
NTA – It’s okay for your mom to ask, but it’s also okay for you to say no. I think sometimes we older folks forget that it’s important for a young couple to have their privacy and space. Having a regular house guest, even a sibling, would affect your relationship more than it might affect someone who’s older.
It seems like your sister has a choice. Make amends with her dad. Or handle the daily commute. I don’t say this lightly because I understand that some parents can be very difficult. But I do take it as a good sign that he has already apologized to her.
ESH, except your sister, and I dont think your mom’s an asshole for asking, but she will be if she insists you take your sister in against your will. It sounds like your dad is abusive but you’ve all normalised it by calling it “difficult to live with”. She shouldn’t have to live with him.
You’re not wrong to want your own space, but I couldn’t hold that limit, I would always take my sibling in if they needed me to. But also plenty of people make an hour commute each way to school so is it really a need? It would be very kind of you to take her in, but you probably don’t have to if you don’t want to.
This is one of those situations where you can be legally in the right and still be an asshole. Sorry, but YTA, albeit gently. Your father sounds like he’s at least approaching the line of abusive, not just “difficult,” and it’s not on your barely legal sister to make up with someone who has that much power over her. You’re not an evil person or whatever if you refuse to let her sleep over a few times a week for the last few months of senior year, but I think it does make you an AH.
What did “notoriously difficult to live with” and “he blew up on her” mean? Because it doesn’t sound good and it sounds like you want to put your sister in a bad situation just to avoid inconveniencing yourself.
Unless there is something specific and pretty bad your sister done to deserve it, you do actually have an obligation to her to help her out of an unsafe situation.
Preliminarily YTA, unless any extra light you shed on the dad situation makes him not abusive or she like murdered your dog or something.
NTA. I hope when you agreed to this that you are being compensated in some way like rent, utilities, and groceries. 2-3 days/week is about 30% of your week. If I’m going to bend over backwards and compromise my privacy and freedom, I’d want to get paid for it.
Frankly, I agree with you. She needs to go home.
NTA you’re an adult and have a husband. Your sister isn’t your responsibility.
And you don’t see any issues with how she expects her sister to live with an abuser?
I feel like you’re not the asshole for refusing, but like why does everyone feel so inconvenienced by having family around these days. Like i get it, family is hard and you have your own space, but its likely temporary. Maybe being at your place, and i assume closer to your Dad maybe they will make up in a few weeks. Idk its not forever, just be there for your younger sibling.
Define a deadline (e.g., 4-8 weeks) how long you would be willing to host her until she patches things up with her dad or come up with another solution (get a job, move in with friends, switch schools, whatever). After that it’s on her.
NAH for you wanting to preserve your marital space, but you should at least help out family for a limited time until they can get their things in order.
NTA: it’s absolutely reasonable to be annoyed with this and to not want to take on this stress and responsibility. Your father needs to figure out his nonsense and if he can’t or won’t your mom and sister need to work it out.
YTA purely because you want your sister to live with your abusive father.
Personally I don’t think an hour commute is that much of a deal (i do that every day for work and in college it was almost double that) but I don’t understand someone not wiling to help out their younger sibling if the alternative is for them to live with an abuser, you could at least offer for her to stay with you for a few days in the week.
NTA — your dad is.
Your mom is not an AH for asking you to help out. It makes sense since you live closer to the school.
You’re not an AH for saying no. You are an adult with your own life, and spousal intimacy is really hard with a sibling in the next room.
Your sister is not an AH for refusing to go back to your dad’s. It sounds like he is borderline abusive, to everyone around him, and frankly, she finally has the choice to choose not to let him manipulate her. As her father, as an adult in her life, he has so much power over her, and finally she has a little bit of power to deny that. That’s not wrong. That’s good boundary setting. If a person is not healthy to have in your life, you don’t go back to their house.
Your dad is an AH, a raging AH. This is his child, and he has literally driven everyone out of his life. Your mother, you, and now your sister. He has the responsibility to care for her, not just physically, but emotionally too. He did such a crappy job that she went to the neighbor, called your mom, and she is now going no contact with him. Or at least low contact. Which sounds healthy on your sister’s part, but tells us just how bad your dad is. An apology isn’t going to repair all the damage he has done to her. Your sister does not feel emotionally safe with your dad, and sometimes… Emotional violence is even worse than physical violence, because so many people can’t see it, don’t acknowledge it, and think that the victim is just making things worse than it is, and should just forgive and forget.
I am choosing to believe that you are speaking out of your own trauma caused by your relationship with your dad as well. You had to suck it up and make things right with him, and so you feel like your sister should do the same thing. Especially since you didn’t have a you to lean on, so it feels wrong that your sister and your mom are leaning on you. But can you really blame your sister and your mom for choosing someone who feels safer to them, emotionally, than your dad? I mean, if you have a small picture to hang, do you reach past the hammer and grab the screwdriver instead?
Your mom and your sister have a few choices… They can suck it up and make it right with your dad, but that might not be the best choice long-term for emotional well-being. They can make the hour-long commute to school, your sister is 18, I presume she can drive, even if she doesn’t necessarily have her own vehicle, lots of people make even longer commutes even for high school. It’ll be hard, and they will both have to sacrifice significantly to make that work. They can rely on you for one night a week maybe, and a different friend for another night of the week, which is inconvenient for your sister to be moving around so much, but keeps her out of your dad’s way and lets her finish at her school. Or your sister can switch schools and just see her friends at events. And I am sure they have options that I don’t even see right now.
But the way I see it, the only AH here is your dad.
YTA
Technically you have NO LEGAL obligations. But if you even consider yourself a halfway good sibling your a AH for ignoring a abusive situations because its inconvenient for a few months. Your father should not be yelling at his teenage daughter to the point she flees the house.