My (F24) boyfriend (M25) whom I’ve known for nearly 4 years (but we’ve been official for 1 year 10 months) told me when I started to catch feelings for him (so basically he told me this like 5 months after we met) about this girl he loved, and what happened was, she committed suicide (not because of him, she had her own personal issues) and he felt guilty bc he couldn’t “help” her (it was totally not his fault, I also knew about this girl as she was friends with a girl I know myself and I knew about what happened to her before I even met my boyfriend, small city I guess) and felt like he would never be able to love someone and he promised to himself he’d never be in a relationship or like in love with anybody else after that.
Well now we’re together and he always says how happy he is with me and how much he loves me, he certainly has become a lot more warmer and cute than he was when we first met, he was so cold and not touchy, he says he wants a future with me but I can’t help and think that he might still think about this girl every now and then? What if he compares me to her? What if he thinks like: I do love you but I could never love anyone as much as I loved her? Cuz you know, how many movies and real life stories are out there where the gf or wife dies and then the man can never forget them?
So I’d like to ask any men out there who’s been in a situation where you’ve unfortunately lost your wife or a gf and if so I’m so sorry first of all, and were you able to fall in love with somebody else again? Did you compare them? Do you think about your previous love often? How do you feel about them? And your current partner? Or do you think you’ll never love them as much as you loved your previous love?
Thanks in advance.
Also I put the NSFW tag as it might be sensitive content for some, so just in case.
TDLR: is it possible to truly love someone after losing someone you loved or will you always have the first person in the back of your head?
It depends on how mentally mature you are.
Younger people don’t realize that love isn’t a feeling. What you all are describing is infatuation. If you don’t feel good it’s hard to be infatuated with other people. Let’s say that someone’s husband dies and they are in depression and don’t seek therapy. Of course it will be hard for them to get over that person or love anyone else because they’re only focused on feelings.
What love really is is an action. For example, sometimes my wife drives me insane but I still love her.
Can you sum it all up in a tl;dr and then highlight the most important question you want to ask?
Yeah
++man My wife of 30 years passed a few years ago. A neighbor, after some time, decided that I needed company. I’m crazy in love with her.
You can love someone and still have a place in your heart for someone you lost, and that’s okay. Yes he will think of her. That’s going to be a part of him forever, your job is to accept that.
She will always have a place in her heart , like all the past lovers we had
It’s like a bestfriend you don’t talk to anymore
But as time goes on you meetup new friends
Okay I guess the best friend part is a great example to explain it it makes sense, thank you!
Yes, it is possible. Love is expansive. Adding someone new does not mean you need to forget the one that was lost. But not forgetting does not mean comparing. A healthy, new relationship means loving that person without comparing to anyone else.
Well my cousin as a teenager (still is one) lost her, I think it was her 1st boyfriend, to an atv accident, which gosh I can’t imagine going through at like 13, but she is in a new relationship now and seems to be doing okay. I was definitely worried about her after that. I think everyone is going to handle that situation differently, a lot of people get remarried and fall in love again after a loss. I think of the line when people get married, “till death do us part” as well, like I assume that was added in there for a reason. I don’t think any partner who loved you would want you to be alone either and would want you happy. And I guess my comment is hypothetical, but I think there is always room for more love.
Honestly, a lot of breakups feel like (a *much* lesser version of) this. You feel like a part of you has been torn away after it happens. You feel like the life you’ve gotten used to living is gone, and you don’t know how to reorient yourself to move forward on your own.
But with any loss, people mostly figure it out. It’s kind of the unfortunate thing about living, you don’t really get to stop. So you process what you can as you move, and hopefully you get to a better point eventually.
What I’m saying is, it’s entirely possible that your bf’s processed what he needed to process, and is genuinely able to be with you now where he wasn’t before. And regardless, if he were truly the type to compare you to a dead woman (sorry, I’m not sure how to better communicate it), he’s probably not a healthy person to be with right now.
Keep building happier memories. There’s always going to be a whole in his heart for her. But she is gone forever. Don’t try to compete with a memory.
I know what true love really is and to have that to measure against is a gift that I cannot properly express to you the value of.
I know because when it happened to me it put into perspective everything that was less than love that preceded her….
Unfortunately nothing has measured up since either…..
So yes I feel capable of it, but the prospects have been underwhelming
I’ve just found my ‘someone new’ after my biggest loss (8 year marriage lost due to her cheating). Happened almost 2 years ago now. Now, I’m happier than I have been in many years.
The pain does heal. Cliché to say, but time is the best medicine.