looking for advice, no judgement please. i (22F) have been dating my bf (22M) for almost a year at this point. earlier on in our relationship we had a couple arguments because he is pretty controlling.. it got to the point where i was ready to leave and just work on myself because it seemed like we wanted different things.
we had the big argument earlier on in our relationship and i told him it sounds like he wants a traditional relationship but i am very independent and that is not what i want out of a relationship. i tried to leave him and stated we might just not be compatible, despite the fact that we love each other so much. he said he didn’t want a traditional relationship and that he just wanted to be with me so that he would work on his mindset and controlling behavior.
that being said, i did see a lot of major progress over the following months, things seemed to be getting better and he was less controlling. however, recently i feel like he’s slowly starting to revert back to this controlling behavior.
he said some things over the weekend like “you will do and say what i tell you” and other weird ass shit that may have been said jokingly.. but it didn’t feel like too much of a joke to me… it got to the point where i was like “why are you treating me like a slave today wtf” and the comments just overall rubbed me the wrong way.
i slept on it for a day or two and im still feeling a type of way about it. i hope he didn’t just say all that shit a couple months ago just to make me stick around and hope i’d change my mind. i posted a photo of myself from 10 years ago and he said something like “why are you posting yourself, for who’s attention?” like lol im 12 in the pic wtf!!!!
anyways i’m like idk i guess i need to have a discussion but im scared because i really love him and like i said it did seem like we had made SO MUCH progress up until a week ago. im so confused because it feels very out of nowhere, nothing has changed except for him slipping in these comments. it’s making me very depressed because like i said i really love him and have been envisioning a future together and stuff but im like this is too much for me and i feel like if i do anything it’s an argument. :(( idk i feel so alone because it really has impacted so many of my friendships as well like i really haven’t talked to many of my friends over the past couple of months and i have tried so hard to see them too so it feels like a big struggle and im scared to be alone after feeling like i found my person. this happened in my last relationship too and it makes me feel so shitty or like maybe i’m the one in the wrong ….
> he said some things over the weekend like “you will do and say what i tell you”
Describe the tone. Is it seductive, because he is kinky? Or is it like, “women stfu and clean”?
Very valid question
So it sounds like there’s more here than just the comments. You said it’s affecting friendships which is just as troubling as the comments he’s making.
None of this is ok and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Maybe he has the best intentions to change but his actions need to support that. Right now it doesn’t seem like they do.
You deserve to be respected and to not feel alone in a relationship. Trust your gut. I know you love him but you have to ask yourself if he’s showing you the love you deserve? You can’t fix this alone.
My honest advice would be to break up because you deserve better and I don’t believe people change.
Dog, you’re 22. This ain’t it. You really see a future like this with this person? Imagine LIVING with this and how he is. You have plenty of time to find someone who isn’t going to treat you like this. People can have boundaries sure, but you’re also allowed to have yours as well.
In whatever case, YOU’RE 22.
>he said some things over the weekend like “you will do and say what i tell you” and other weird ass shit that may have been said jokingly
It is a joke until it isn’t. And then it can be too late.
> feel so alone because it really has impacted so many of my friendships as well like i really haven’t talked to many of my friends over the past couple of months and i have tried so hard to see them too so it feels like a big struggle and im scared to be alone after feeling like i found my person.
talk to a friend as soon as possible, reach out, meet up in person. Then meet up with another friend. Controlling people will isolate you from your friends, reach out and let them know what is going on
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anyways i’m like idk i guess i need to have a discussion but im scared because i really love him and like i said it did seem like we had made SO MUCH progress up until a week ago.
You don’t sound like you love him and at 22 relationships should be about fun and exploration not making “progress” where he keeps sliding into the relationship behaviors he promised to avoid
>he said he didn’t want a traditional relationship
Huh? Not even sure what that means? Do you want a traditional relationship?
> it feels like a big struggle and im scared to be alone after feeling like i found my person.
There are plenty of other guys out there and this particular guy has lost the privilege of your company. Break up, eat some ice cream and go find someone who will treat you better.
Also be very mindful of when he chooses to be more controlling and shitty?
Is it right before you go and meet up with friends? Does it seem like he is trying to make you not hang out with your friends or isolate you from your family? If it seems like that, it’s not worth the risk with everything else you already told us in this post… he might be “working” on it but he’s probably just realized he has to slow play you more while the time spent in the relationship builds up and it’s tougher for you to leave.
The relationship is young. You don’t share property, children, bank accounts (hopefully!) If it’s already like this, it can get significantly worse.
I’ve seen women in situations like this get trapped with babies, the men getting extremely abusive, and their lives being completely ruined because it ruined their friendships, familial relationships, and career.
He can work on himself without being with you. I would want to see more change before getting back in a relationship. He CAN change. But you need more than words and couple of months of him changing.
Even if those were jokes … a decent person with a shred of self-reflection won’t make jokes that reflect poorly on the person they used to be.
Be rid of him. It’ll be better for you long-term.
++woman when you told him about the comments what did he say? Do the good out way the bad in this relationship? Your 22 and have your whole life ahead of you. If leaving will make you happy then do that. People will change when they are ready remember that.
I’m sure there’s different thoughts but relationships are really about both people giving up control to the other.
It sounds like you don’t trust his judgement which may not be the wrong decision. But eventually IMO there’s not a ton of room For independence in a typical eventual marriage.
You don’t. You dump him and date someone else who respects you.
One day you’ll realize all of this reeks of an incredibly unhealthy and risky relationship.
Until then just trust all of us who already learned that the hard way and end it as soon as possible.
I’m speaking to you from 20 years in the future (42m), and I will tell you that people don’t change. Sure, through great effort and over time, some people will alter their behavior, but it’s rare that a relationship can be salvaged that way. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
++ woman – I hate to say it, but I’d run. This sounds like my ex, was controlling and started changing but then reverted back. They never change. Controlling men will never stop controlling you unless they get some serious therapy or have an ego death and change entirely. Go find someone better who allows you to be you and live your life independently. That’s what I did and I am so much happier! My boyfriend is amazing and I’m so grateful I left. Trust me, it’s never too late to start over.