I’m – F40 – in an uncomfortable position and not sure how to respond to a text message that appears to be expressing interest to date from a man who attends my mother’s church.
For background context. I help at my mother’s church weekly. It has been a nice way to spend one on one time with my mom while also helping her with things that she might have more difficulty doing by herself. My mother is very active in her church and feels connected to the community there. She also coordinates some of the scheduling so names of the volunteers there are names I’ve come to recognize. Just in my regular helping out there I’ve met several of her friends and engaged with them as that, friends of my mom.
There is one man – M 70 – there, I’ll call him Bob, that has become a friend to my mom. I have known him in a surface level for more than 5 years. He is also an outgoing person in the church having retired from a church position in another church. For clarity- he is the same age group as my mother. His social tendencies means that he often likes to go to meals with folks and told my mother a couple of weeks ago how much he appreciated all the work I do to help out. Shortly after he asked me if he could buy me a meal and I said, “sure.” I didn’t really want to go but felt a little obligated since he was a friend of my mothers so I thought, let me just go and get this out of the way. Hindsight has me kicking myself. He has texted me daily since going to dinner a week ago. Small messages. He mentioned going to dinner after a church event just this past Sunday. My mother (who was there when I got his text) and I both thought he was asking us to all go to dinner as a group. Now I’m at the point that I need help. Today I got another message.
Lengthy.
“I hope you’re keeping warm today. I’ve been doing some outside work this morning before it gets cold again. The sun feels good.
I would like to see you again. The next several days are going to be busy. I have surgery on [this day and another] plus [this], a couple [that], cleaning [house], plus [people]show up on [a day]. But sharing a meal or nice walk with you would be a great remedy for all the obligations I have – something pleasurable! Let’s see if we can find a time to get together!”
So, how do I respond? I’m feeling like it is wildly uncomfortable that he is expressing interest in this way. I’m not at all interested.
I want to respond in a way that gets the message across clearly while also being sensitive to his role in the church and his friendship with my mother. Although, mother is also feeling very odd about all of this.
My question is how do I respond clearly while also being delicate about the role this person holds?
TLDR; a pillar of the church community and friend of my mother’s is expressing interest in me. I’m uncomfortable and don’t know how to respond.
“Hi Bob, unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to make that” don’t ever offer any further elaboration. Just ghost any further inquiry.
Why do you have to tiptoe around rejecting him.
“I am not sure if you got the wrong idea, but I would not like to get lunch or dinner with you moving forward”
You could ignore it. Wish him a speedy recovery and ignore the invite.
You could reply that you’ll message your mum and see when she is free. Act like she’s automatically invited. If he says the offer was just for you. Reply that you’re sure he’s a lovely person but you’re not interested in dating him.
meh, if dude thinks he has a shot with her in the church setting he likely won’t be put off by her mom being around at first since they already met that way
don’t throw him a bone. just tell him not to bother you anymore politely and move on.
I suggest
‘HI, Bob. I appreciate your invitation, but I’m going to be involved in a project for the foreseeable future. It’s going to take up all my free time, & I fear I won’t even have time to chat with you over text. I can’t share with anyone what it’s about at the moment. I’m sure you understand why I have to decline. I’ll see you at church as usual, but not other than that.’
Show this to your mom. Ask her to tell him when he asks her about it that she knows you’re working on something important to you but she doesn’t know what it is. Just keep repeating that. If he presses you on how long it will take, tell him it depends on how often you’re interrupted.
don’t reject obvious creeps who are plugged into your social circle with made-up reasons because they’ll just see that reason as an obstacle between themselves and getting laid.
just turn him down directly. don’t offer a reason or tell him the actual one outright. guy’s a fucking creep anyways. if mom sides with him and not the daughter then rip, poor op
Let me hold your hand at the grown age of 40 and tell you that you don’t need to please everyone or anyone. You have no obligation to anyone just because they’re friends with your mother. First tell Bob simple but directly “Hi Bob. I appreciate the friendship you have with my mom and as much as I try to help the older generation, I would prefer to just keep to being church acquaintances through my mother. Sorry if there was any misunderstanding.”
It makes a clear line that he’s too old for you, he’s only your mother’s friend and you’re not interested. After that you do not respond to any messages. It isn’t rude to ignore unwanted attention. It is rude to continue unwanted attention after being told it’s unwanted.
Second, it’s never too late for therapy.
Block him.
UGHHHHH for protecting the feelings of men who are perfectly old enough to know better! Anyway:
“Hi Bob. Really appreciated you treating me to lunch as a thanks for [thing i did]. It’s great to see how committed my mum’s friends are to the church. I’m pretty busy with my own friend group these days but I hope your [condition] stays manageable.”
* Reclarify the lunch
* Reposition him as mum’s friend
* Reminder of his mortality / age
* Reminder you’re not his peer group
He wasn’t born yesterday, he was born SEVENTY YEARS AGO, he’s just using church and age privilege to get away with shit. Conscious or not.
imagine harassing women for 6 decades and they still keep looking out for your feelings while you do it lol. EDIT also dope username wtf
first of all i can’t believe i just read all that or am about to give any advice in a situation wherein the guy in question is probably gonna just die of natural causes before you can even read my reply
secondly while it’s kinda gross he does have a right to ask you on a date, and you need to just be an adult and respond in terms that makes it clear you don’t want to get to know him any better
third churches are meat markets and they bundle it up in a nice little package of family drama and strict societal norms and sprinkle a nice fear of eternal damnation on top so honestly, i’d strongly recommend seeking professional third party counseling either from a member of another church if you’re that religious, or a regular counselor if not because clearly this is a very weird situation that you are very stressed out by and aren’t readily equipped to handle on your own. which is ok. it’s ok to ask for help.
As a guy, I’ll say be direct or if you have a little humor about this situation, take mom with you!
I try hard to measure my words so I don’t come across as “flirting” being human though and having been polite and nice all my life I’ve had it taken out of context or misunderstood, and suddenly I’ve had unwanted female attention. Just got to be direct and clearer on how you view things between you and Bob.
Still part of me says show up with Mom lol!
Thanks for all the insight and advice, everyone. I got a few chuckles and some nice, gentle reminders.
Agreed, it’s super weird that I appear to be cow towing to a guy that is being totally inappropriate. I know better, he should too. But he doesn’t and at this point it’s the dynamic of my mother, and her own role in a community she cherishes, that is my priority in how I deal with this.