Hello
My partner can get really, REALLY grouchy, grumpy, mean, and difficult to deal with, and it tends to result in me getting dragged down too. If she’s in a good mood, I’m happy. If she’s in one of her foul tempers, I’m having a bad day. It’s contagious, and I’m so sick of it.
Context: we are dealing with a VERY rough patch in our relationship. But this behavior predates that. It is becoming increasingly important for me to be able to maintain and regulate my peace even when she’s in a horrible mood.
We both work from home, and we are together A LOT. Like, all the time. Some of my work gives me time to myself in my office, but otherwise we are together constantly.
My therapist picked up on this pattern and pointed it out to me; My mood and well-being are dependent on my partner’s mood, and in that, I am holding the keys to BOTH of our well-being.
This isn’t healthy or sustainable and I want to break out of it. What are your observations about what I’ve told here, and how can I break away from this and reclaim my peace as mine and mine only? Thanks.
Key is not to take it personally and remind yourself that it’s not your fault that made her grumpy and grouchy. You can try to ease it by telling her you’re there to listen (don’t need to give her solutions unless she asked) if she wants to and let her know that she has your full support. That’s it. Go on and do your own stuffs.
IF your partner expects you to feel bad just because she does, I would suggest you run as far as you can because this is emotional immaturity where a relationship cannot flourish.
the book “codependent no more” would be a great start.
Thank you, I’ll look for that
This right here!
++woman Communication is everything, talk to her. If you told her how much it affects you and she did not seek support to do better or acknowledged it, it is time to say bye
It sounds to me like emotional regulation issues for both parties. Yay that you’re in therapy! Is she? Are you both open to couples therapy?
This sounds like my husband and I a few years ago. Now, what you described is a rare occurrence for us. Are you both willing to work on it?
Thank you. Also good to know you got past it, I’m all ears to hear how you did it.
Therapy has been a massive win for me. It’s not been easy or fun, but it’s been hugely beneficial.
We have done couples therapy for a few years now. I don’t think it has helped, honestly.
My partner has literally told me she might be the only person on the planet that doesn’t need therapy. Our couples therapist presented the idea to her a couple months back, and my partner said she’s open to it, but hasn’t taken any steps towards starting. In a recent blowup, I told her how concerned I was for her and that I think she needs to see someone. Still no change. She has told me if she saw a therapist, they would just tell her to leave me. Yep.
Time apart helps. Any family or friends you can stay with for a few weeks to allow each other to decompress a little and get some time to do some self care. I did the both work from home in a small apartment thing and time apart, like real time apart, was a big help for us.
I absolutely believe absence makes the heart grow fonder. But it’s like we can never spend enough time together for her. She has told me sooooo many times about how we don’t spend enough “quality time together”. I’m serious when I say we are together more than 99% of all the couples I know.
There is time together and there is quality time together. Be apart help me realize that. Quality time is nice dates, trips, events, creating and feeling magic moments. Over exposure, IME, creates tension and resentment that makes the magic hard to happen, even when you are on that gun trip because you have all this baggage between the two of you.
You need to have some time apart. Can one of you work from the office 1-2 days a week?
Your therapist is correct. You are holding the keys here
It’s very hard to remain positive when someone else is down. My husband would go into those phases from time to time. I kept ignoring his remarks and my better mood sometimes rubbed off on him. That door swings both ways. If they choose to remain negative, it’s certainly not your fault. Stay happy and keep the light shining!
Sounds like you walk on eggshells in your own, very unhealthy.
I couldn’t. I’m so much calmer and happier without that person.