For context we were together for 4 years and always have rocky bits in our relationship, as of late being the last month or so he’s been avoiding me physically 24/7. He would wake up and go immediately to his video games, i wish I was exaggerating. Anytime I would ask for a hug or to have a little bit of conversation he would ignore me or listen without actually paying attention. And whenever he would be in bed at the same time I would ask to cuddle and he would just face away from me and tell me to back off. When I confronted him telling him he was hurting me from the constant pushing away and asked if we could at the very least have 30 minutes a day of cuddling, he told me he’s to stressed and that he doesn’t want to deal with me anymore and then broke up with me.
What happened? Was what I asked to unreasonable? Did I honestly dodge a bullet here?
Ever since he started avoiding contact with you, he wanted to break up with you, but had an inhibition against going through with it. Asking for the 30 minutes of cuddling broke this inhibition. It was not an unreasonable ask, and you didn’t dodge a bullet but just accelerated what would have come anyway (probably with more anguish and pain).
I agree with this. I’ve noticed some men will do this, behavior/habits change but they won’t end it. They’ll create a space we no longer feel comfortable in or make things off until we confront the situation and give them the out they were looking for.
Not every man will do this but I have experienced it
None of us can know “what happened” beyond what you have written here but after 4 years you shouldn’t have to beg to schedule cuddle time. Find someone that wants to connect with you!
I’d say you dodged a bullet, if he was having a bad day and didn’t feel like it once that’s one thing but that doesn’t warrant breaking up, unless if he was seriously struggling with something and had already told you about it but it sounds like he didn’t bring up anything, he just started to pull away for some reason, You shouldn’t have to remind your partner to be affectionate with you, and you should be able to open up about feeling hurt without it blowing up like that
I think he was trying to get you to break up with him or was planning on it himself. Either way, you weren’t compatible. I agree gaming 24/7 is bad, but it doesn’t tend to happen in a vacuum.
That said, would it have to be like 30 **consecutive** minutes of cuddling? I like personal space and that would be fucking hellish for me. I would be sitting there 90 seconds in wanting to be done because it’s weird and I hate it. I’d be screaming in my head. I don’t mind sexual contact and short consensual hugs (I do not tolerate them being forced on me), and I only really hug for the other person’s benefit and to obey the social protocol, but holding hands irritates me, and spooning needs to be done in a minute or I am outta there.
I’m a woman, but tbf anyone with neurodivergence, a trauma history or even just an unqualified need for physical personal space may balk at being given a cuddle time quota or being expected to cuddle in bed. Similarly, asking me for prolonged eye contact would be a sigh of fundamental incompatibility and prompt a breakup. It’s not about being miserly with affection, it’s just that different people want different things and it’s a bad idea to try to proclaim a minimum expectation and assume the other person’s feelings are about you and not themselves if they disagree.
Being touched against your will can be distressing even if it is non-sexual, and that is true for EVERYONE. Telling some to back off, in particular, is very much a warning that you’ve crossed boundaries.