I ‘F/35’ and my partner ‘M/37’ have been together for 4.5 years and need advice about his behaviour. A couple weeks ago injured my feet. The whole bottoms of my feet are completely blistered, including my toes. For the most part I have been able to be self sufficient by crawling around since I cannot currently walk. I do need help with a minimal number of things like preparing my foot soak I need to do every night to avoid secondary infection and getting water for drinking and staying hydrated. Today he went to work then went out with his friends drinking (which is totally understandable) leaving me alone for 11 hours but I waited patiently for him to get home for my foot soak and refill of water for drinking. When he got home he told me “you can figure out how to do that for yourself instead of waiting for me”. I was extremely hurt by this – followed by when the water was too cold and I asked if he could refill it with warmer water he told me I was “being a princess and looking for princess treatment”. I’m not looking for princess treatment and just concerned and want to avoid getting an infection since I am high risk. I had to beg for 30 minutes before he finally got me warmer water for my foot soak. He told me that me asking for warmer water was trying to control him which I’m not sure how that translates to control. I guess I just need advice because I’m feeling extremely hurt by this all. Am I being overdramatic by being hurt by this?
Not overdramatic. You’re injured he could do an effort to take care of you.
This guy can’t be bothered to do the smallest gesture of support when you are in need without turning it in to a drama with himself into a victim.
and no, going out drinking while you partner is injured at home and needs help is not “totally understandable”, it’s totally selfish.
This is a core lack of empathy paired with toxic behavior, it’s not something you talk your way through.
Imagine if you were pregnant…
I should add that he has been great about helping me with these things until tonight when he said these things to me.
I do think it’s important to have some semblance of social life for his own mental health which is why I say it is understandable. No one wants to be cooped up and I can see and feel how being cooped up is impacting me. So I wouldn’t want him to feel that too just in spite of my injury. It’s the only time he has gone out, with every other day being work and then straight home.
Not being overdramatic he is being an asshole. This is a clear view into his idea of in sickness and in health. When you are functional and useful to him he’s probably nice to you, when you need help he is probably a dick because he is a child that doesn’t want any responsibility, more than likely. Don’t ignore this. His mask is slipping.
You’ve dated for nearly 5 years. He couldn’t even last two weeks offering you basic support and he chose to frame it in ugly ‘you’re spoiled’ terms to make you feel self conscious about it. Not only is that disappointing, it is absolutely toxic on his behalf as well.
And you now have to reflect on what a life with him is really going to look like… and perhaps whether you’ve been ignoring things up to this point as well. Because the worry I have is that generally being this gross isn’t something someone can hide for multiple years, though you may have found it easier to downplay or dismiss it previously because you could just do things yourself. Right now when you’re cornered, when you have no options, you’re forced to see it for what it is.
Really think about that: thirty minutes of begging because he half assed a supportive task after mocking you for being concerned at all. There’s no way that’s what love is.