As the title says, I have one sibling (sister who is 5 years younger), and I have always paid for both of us whenever we hang out (dinners, movies, shopping, etc). Given our age gap, growing up, that dynamic made sense and my parents raised me to "look out/take care of her".
However, she graduated from college a year ago and now has a great job making at least 100K a year. I’m in medical school currently and living off of student loans on a budget, and it sometimes feels like she doesn’t recognize how much a financial burden it is for me to spend time with her. Because of our dynamic growing up, she has never offered to pay for things when the bill/checkout time comes, and the unspoken expectation or default is that I’ll be paying for both of us, even though she now has an income and I don’t.
So I guess I have two questions:
1. For other adults with siblings out there, is this normal? When you hang out, is it expected that the older sibling always pays for the younger sibling (especially if you have a larger age gap)?
2. How do I suggest splitting things more evenly or switching off who pays moving forward? I don’t want to seem stingy towards a family member I love, but I don’t think this financial dynamic is sustainable for me throughout the rest of med school and even in residency (as most residents only make 60-70K a year and I’ll be paying back loans too), and I worry I also may be becoming a bit resentful about this, especially since she also doesn’t even thank me for footing the bill half the time
You’re getting zoinked.
Just say, “hey sis, I got it the last few times. Your turn!” And slide the check to her.
Seriously, she’s an adult and should be self aware enough to see that she’s taking advantage. Since she’s happy to keep on taking without giving, you gotta say something about it and help her realize it’s not fair to you. You’re not her parent, and she’s an adult with adult money.
My younger brother passed away some years ago, but I used to buy his food and stuff a lot. Because I wanted to. But he would return the favor as well.
I am one year older than one sibling, and 18 years older than the other. I have been default payer for ever, but this is the odd meal or coffee, not a constant spending or shopping sprees. With the older sibling we are not more even that kids are involved and the 18 year old is paid for by both of us.
It’s probably time to tell your sister I love spending time with you, and I’ve always paid and enjoyed treating you but my personal circumstances have changed and so have yours, I hope we can shake up this dynamic now.
“You have a job now! Its your turn to pay the bill.” And that’s it.
I am a younger sibling with a similar age gap and age. While I think it’s pretty normal for the elder sibling to pay, I would start paying (or suggesting we split things) if I knew I made significantly more than my older siblings. It’s possible she may not realize that it’s a financial burden on you; I would never want my older siblings to be in that position.
As for how to switch it off: just tell her it’s her turn to pay for things. Or tell her you need to watch your budget and can only afford to split things based on who bought what. Usually if my sibling doesn’t want to pay for me, they’ll either purchase their item first so it’s individually paid for (like at a coffee shop) or if it’s a sitdown meal they’ll ask who wants to cover this round and everyone else can Venmo or something like that. I wouldn’t go straight to doing that without telling her beforehand that you now need to approach finances differently, but going forward after the conversation, those methods are pretty standard.