Background:
Before we ever started dating, we spoke about kids. I said I didn’t want them, he said he didn’t want them either. I expressed quite a few times how much I hated when people would push me on the issue.
He questioned me once about my reasons and i got the vibe from that convo that he was questioning if he wanted them, or seeing if I was flexible. I had to dig and poke at him afterwards to find out that was true, he was questioning it. After that I told him to speak to other people in his life to get their perspectives and come back to me.
He came back with: "I don’t want kids, I don’t even like kids." And I thought it was settled. Made it clear that if his stance changed we would end the relationship. Maybe about 6 months later (I’m bad with time) he is back on the unsure train. he is "afraid he will regret not having kids" and I feel quite blindsided. Apparently he didn’t realize my stance was s sure, or that people could be that sure, or that other options for having kids was also off the table.
He does not know how he would proceed to even figure out what he wants, bc he also seems anxious about having kids (I asked him what he would feel if I woke up tomorrow very sure I wanted them. He said anxious and like a lot of things would need to happen and be settled before then.) And I want to be clear, I have never ‘pushed him’ on this issue exactly. Just told him its a dealbreaker for me.
So I guess what I’m asking is for everyone else’s take on this, and what exactly we could do to help him be sure?
When the sexes are reversed on this question decisions have to be made earlier for obvious reasons of biology. But since you’re the one who’s made it clear that you won’t have kids he’s the one who’s going to have to ultimately make the decision to leave if he decides he does want a family – something he can do at a much older age than than you could. So you’ve got nothing to lose on this front by just never discussing this again unless he changes his mind. You only require certainty if you’re the one desperate to be a parent.
Unfortunately for me, staying in a relationship with this continually being up in the air feels quite a bit like waiting for an anvil to drop on my head. I have quite a bit of time to lose, just personally, building a life with someone who might wake up one day and now want children.
You have friends or family with small children who would let you watch them for a weekend?
We are long distance at the moment, but I have asked and gotten the okay to do this from a family member whenever its actually possible for us
No no, let HIM watch them.
If she’s there, he’ll just watch HER do all the work and be on team kids. Cuz hey! If all you have to do are the fun parts and mom does the rest, kids are great!
That’s what I meant. Let him deal and see what it’s all about. Even better if they are rambunctious, ornery, or simply extra energetic.
I’d have to be there, but I don’t really plan on doing too much. Mostly making sure no one gets hurt or things like that.
Why don’t you have him sit down and make a list of why he wants kids. All the good things he is looking forward toZ And then a list of how he plans to participate in raising kids—like when he gets home from work each night, what will he be doing? How about on weekends?. How does he see his career, hobbies, travel, and sex life being affected?
I think many men like the idea of having kids. But they’re thinking about tossing a ball in the backyard, coaching a team, showing their kid their hobbies, etc.
They aren’t thinking about sleep deprivation, poopy diapers, doctor appts, staying home with a sick kid, homework, playing taxi, loss of lifetime earning potential and career advancement, changes to their bodies, risk of death, ratcheting way back on seeing friends and enjoying hobbies, mounds of laundry, more messes to clean, cooking for picky eaters, packing everyone up for vacay, being sick and having to take care of kids at the same time, etc.
They aren’t thinking of that stuff because they don’t intend to do that stuff.
Of course not “all men”—but a fair number.
I’m not saying kids can’t be great. But they are not accessories you roll out for your enjoyment then stick back on a shelf. They are human beings and they require a lot of time, energy, and money. They are not here to be your mini me or fulfill some weird “carry on the bloodline” bullshit.
I think if more people really considered the big picture of parenthood good and bad and planned to be an equal parent to their partner, there would be a lot more childfree by choice people out there.
It’s not your job to help him figure out whether he wants kids or not. That is a mental load that everyone has to carry for themselves. If it is his idea that you need to help him figure out his motivation and wants – well, I would tell him to take a hike and get back to me when he worked it out.
One thing that is clear in this post is that he is clear that he doesn’t Not Want kids. You are clear that you don’t want kids. I think you should take a hard look at his waffling on the question and realize that the two of you don’t agree.
I don’t think you should stick around & get more attached. I know two women who broke off multi year relationships after their boyfriends changed their minds, and it broke their hearts for a long time. Sooner is better.
Oh believe me, I am not planning on making major commitments with him until this is something settled. I’m also not interested in waiting for him to figure it out forever either. I do see your point in him being clear that he doesn’t “not want kids” but we’ve also talked about the fact that staying with me knowing all this means he is pretty much choosing to not have them. And there’s a time limit on having kids, bc you don’t really want to be ‘old’ with a very small child or whatever. I have a personal timeline for myself on when the waiting is too long. Not telling him that though.