I (31F) cannot shake this gut feeling I have about my husbands (36M) employee. We have been together for about 12 years. He works in a very male dominated field and a girl working there is almost unheard of. He made it up to management and now has his own team. This girl, Jenna, 22F, recently got transferred to his team. I don’t recall how I found out about her as the past few months have been a blur, but I did see they were friends on FB so I checked her page out. The pics she posted were from a work event where she was hanging on other married older men. I immediately clocked her as “one of those girls”. Ya know, pining after men’s attention, “one of the guys” type of girl. Out of curiosity and insecurity one day, I casually asked my husband what kind of person she was. We talk about his employees all the time so this wasn’t really out of the usual. He seemed a little annoyed, said she was ditzy and clumsy. Then in a snarky tone asked what else I wanted to know. I stopped talking about her and let that eat at me for a few days. I went through his phone one night (our phones are always available to the other at any time) and started reading through their texts. He texts all his employees so again, normal. Mostly innocent stuff like a pic of a note he left her in the office that said he had a gift for her. Im sure it was work related. She called off one day for being sick so he sent a pic of a Mucinex bottle, she sent a pic of her bottle and they would joke about who had the better one. She also called him often on his days off while she was working- to ask questions as he is the boss. Eventually it got to a point where he had a team meeting and told everyone- even calling her out- to not call him on his days off. She also races cars (as does he) and we have been talking about getting a project car to work on together and he suggested the exact car she has, which caught me off guard because that was never one we had discussed.
I finally told him she made me feel insecure because they share a lot of the same interests, she has the hair color he seems to be into, plus all the other things I had mentioned. He seemed shocked and said “my employee!?” Insinuating that he would never hook up with a subordinate. Which, to his credit, he truly isn’t the type of guy to cheat, get with someone almost half his age, or his employee. He really is a good soul. He’s been cheated on in the past and I know how much it hurt him. Deep down I believe he’s true to his word, loves me and chooses me day after day. But after that I noticed his text thread with her was deleted- in the deleted messages folder. Which is weird because he will leave spam messages but made a conscious choice to delete these. I checked them- still nothing new. Since then they don’t text except the occasional work info. Everything came to a head when I asked him if it was a possibility he had a crush on her. It had been a month and the gut feeling was still eating me alive. He got angry and said it hurt that I would accuse him of that. I asked why he got annoyed when I asked about her and he said he really didn’t notice that he did. I asked why he deleted all their texts and again he said he didn’t realize he did- but he had to start a new text thread with her asking her to come in on her day off to help out during a rush. Also found out my intuition about her was right- she has slept around the company and is currently hooking up with a coworker. All of this has caused me to be more touchy feely with my husband, as I’m not a cuddly person. He’s definitely enjoying it. I’ve also noticed newish things during sex that he does. Nothing crazy specific, but like he’s into it more. He moans a lot more and overall just moves differently. I try so hard to talk myself out of these thoughts as I’m now thinking maybe it’s insecurities or OCD or something. I’m hesitant to talk to him again because I don’t want to piss him off.
Is this just my own insecurities that I need to keep working on or could there be something to this? I have an appt with a new therapist next month- so don’t worry about that.
Is your husband the kind of man who is going to go after his employee?
If you don’t know the answer to that question, you need to start by figuring that out.
One that is 14 years younger to boot,
His apparently over the top anger whenever you try to bring her up is worrisome. And the new moves during sex, also a warning sign for me. I would say keep your eyes open still and discuss it with your therapist, see what they have to say
Your gut is burning for a reason. Him getting annoyed when you asked about her, and him speaking poorly about her when you asked about her, those are both red flags. People will speak negatively about the person you should be suspicious of to throw you off the trail.
Deleting the text thread – another red flag. The non-work related banter is also a red flag. Them being Facebook friends is kinda weird.
Honestly I don’t think it’s just your insecurities.
I think the normal reaction to being asked about a coworker would be to reassure your partner and not get mad… unless they have a habit of constantly suspecting different people. If your gut is just screaming about this one person, I think it’s worth listening to.
They’re at least flirting while at work if not more, I bet.
PS: she’s not almost half his age since a 14 year old would be half his age! And why would he be Facebook friends with someone “almost half his age”? He probably sees her as an adult.
You have made him aware of her. This can be bad, because maybe he didn’t realise she was that type of woman.
This has also put him on notice that you are aware of what could happen. Considering his past, this should stop any rubbish from happening. It just depends how persistent she is.
Honest conversations are required to drive home your concerns and that you love him and you want him and don’t want to lose him to someone else.
Ok i couldn’t get thru this whole thing but this is the dumbest fake thing i have ever read 🤣 it really made me laugh though and is good writing.
If you believe that he is the type to be with this kid, then he is not who you thought he was anyway.
If you go looking for offense, you’re gonna find it.
100% this. I read something yesterday about how your mind (or you if we are being honest) will go looking for chaos when things are good. And life has actually been good. I started therapy, I am still on the journey of finding the right antidepressant/anxiety med, I was working out, going out and trying new things. I’m so use to chaos and instability that it made me wonder if my mind is looking for signs that may not actually be there for a sense of “normalcy”. Yes there’s some sketchy things that we still need to hash out and get the truth about- and maybe that’s why my mind cannot let this go
I hate to admit it but I check his phone almost every night and for the past month haven’t seen a single red flag. Not one regarding her or even a random girl online. Not even a search for her name on Facebook. He doesn’t know I still check his phone but I am thorough.
Trust your gut. He wasn’t honest when you asked him. He just redirected and put the issue back on you. All you are doing is telling him how to hide info and the truth from you better. He is using you as his flesh light. How do you know she is sleeping with the employee and not the boss? If he a guy that would sleep with his own employees there’s noting you can do to prevent it. All you can do make sure you get what’s yours in the aftermath.
It kinda seems like you’re projecting your insecurities on her bestie. If he’s never given you any reason to worry…don’t. You can’t control or change what she does, you have to trust your spouse.