It’s not a current advice request, as I’m married for more than 10 years by now. But I just wanted opinions on how I should have handled the situation, just to be able to pass the proper advice on to my son when he gets to the same point in life.
By that time, me (28m) and my girlfriend (28f) were together for more than 4 years. I had my opinion on when a man should propose, and I was stupid enough to share it with her after a year of dating, which caused some strain in the relationship, but we got over it. Basically, I said that I think I want to be financially established and, most importantly, own an apartment and not rent it (we were renting a shared apartment together by that time). So, after 4 years, we were still not close to buying an apartment, and she knew it. However, I have reconsidered by then and realised that nothing changes for the worse if we get married, only for the better, as we were living as a family anyway in all meanings except for the official documents.
So, I still wanted to do it proper, and I planned to propose on Christmas Eve, I have found the ring and placed an order for it to pick up before the Eve, had some plans for that evening, etc. but kept it all a secret, as we are led to believe is the best romantic way.
And 4 days before Christmas, it all almost crumbled down. Late night, we were talking, and she got bitter and accused me of being selfish and disrespectful to her for dragging the relationship without the proposal for so long. And I was at a loss of what to do. I mean, just saying "OK, let’s get married" would seem like I only said that because she forced me to. And would feel empty, as I couldn’t even produce the ring at that time. And would not be romantic. So, I don’t remember what I said, probably just tried to patch things up with smaller gestures, trying to be nice.
And then, I did what I wanted and proposed during the dinner at Christmas Eve, the knee and all. I got really emotional and cried and explained that I really wanted to share my plans but wanted to keep to the gesture to create this kind of romantic memory for us both. She said only "I will think about it" but took the ring, and we went on as if nothing happened, lol.
Then, after a couple of months, she challenged me again, and said that she expected that I will be more pushy, and I repeated the proposal and she accepted. We got married the next year, and live happily now.
So, was my decision correct at that time? Or should I have come clean right away, when the first fight happened?
What does proper mean?
I would have done it right then and there. I’m a horrible liar.
Lol Jesus christ what a nightmare
It’s not that complicated. Just communicate. The reality is that a proposal shouldn’t be a complete surprise.
Edit: I think the biggest advice you can give is to avoid setting up unrealistic requirements that have to be met before you get married. That was the real mistake you made.
Yes, that’s what I realized, as well
Without revealing the recent purchase of the ring or your plan to propose in days, you could have explained that you had reconsidered over time and had a new perspective on it
Exactly – and tell her to be patient
Not sure I’d accept her saying ‘I’ll think about it’…
That is a tough one. I think if I were in that situation I probably would’ve done similar to what you did. I think immediately responding with something like, “Honey I love you and I want to get married but I also want you to be surprised about the proposal I have already planned.” That will likely spoil the surprise anyway, but it does communicate I am with you with the same plan, and we will get there soon. I think trying to deflect it probably is just going to make her think a later proposal is only because she’s pushing for it. The other option if you had the ring would’ve been to go for it and propose there as that does prove you already were planning.
I don’t think you really should give advice on this. There are no two identical situations where same advice will apply. In my personal case first proposal ended in a big fight that nearly broke things off. Next one was already agreed between us and we even picked together second ring 😅
You delay it, because you’ll ask when you’re damn well ready, and won’t be pressured in to anything.
(Probably not that healthy, but a very common response 😆).
‘I have a ring, I won’t tell you when I’m doing it to surprise you.’
Delay any proposal plans for 6 months. Let her trust you again.
My concern is proposing now is the result of a resentful exchange.
I am sorry but you took your time way too comfortably and there is a limit to things. You can not push people to their limits and suddenly be like “i wanted it to be perfect “ so i waited for xmas. Perfect for who? She has been tortured with it. Talk to her. Tell her you love her and stop suddenly questioning manly integrity. It is selfish and not so honorable
“I was stupid enough to share it with her after a year of dating” — this seems striking to me. What do you think the smart move was? Keep her in the dark?
I would have probably done something a long the lines of cancelled the proposal all together because I wouldn’t want her to feel like she pressured me. The I either would have waited until Valentine’s day, or some random day around April 1st and put the ring in her breakfast.. you got the Girl and that is what counts!
All good what ends good. Fwiw I didn’t do any formal proposal.