TLDR: my Christian boyfriend wants to stop having intimate relations while he kicks his porn addition but now also doesn’t want to talk about getting married and having kids either.
Hi, here because I am confused about what my boyfriend needs to be supported through this. Me 24/F and my boyfriend 24/M have been together for nearly 2 years and recently he has said that he does not want to be intimate at all.
For context, we are both Christian but I converted just before we met and have had partners in the past. I am/have been open with everything in my past as well as my desire for a husband and kids in the near future (a sentiment he shared)
My boyfriend has had girlfriends too but I am his first intimate partner. We got intimate around 3 months in to our relationship and we talked very candidly about our different experiences, our religious beliefs, and desire for long term and kids eventually. He said that he felt spiritually married to me on a specific day that was really romantic and since then we did intimate things regularly.
Last year we moved in together and I noticed our intimate life shifting as I was experiencing far more stress and pressure at work that I was totally bringing home with me. He was really supportive during my weekly crying sessions and I finally left the job a month ago on good terms and in a way I am proud of.
We fought a lot more in those high stress final weeks of my work but he got really angry once and yelled at me with rage that I had never heard before. I can’t remember the specifics of the disagreement but it was something simple like what we were having for dinner – after he yelled I calmly said "whatever that was it has nothing to do with me"
Later he came back crying saying that he had been watching porn and that he felt like it was cheating and he was sorry. Porn was something we discussed early in our relationship and he said he never had a problem with it or the desire to engage in. My boyfriend said it was only once but later said he had been struggling with it for about a year. He said he has never been tempted by lust like this before we met and is taking action to stop.
I am very understanding about the shame around porn and expressed that I was glad he opened up and that I love him. Around Christmas we stayed with his family who I love and who love me, I felt so relieved we were back into the swing of romance after a stressful end of the year. His family made wholesome comments about me joining the family and joked that he needed to make it official but my boyfriends face looked really cold and he didn’t say anything.
Later in bed when I brought up conversations about family and kids and especially marriage he got really angry. He said he was not ready for that financially and talking about it didn’t excite him like it used to it just stressed him out.
Around new years day he said that he didnt want to do anything sexual again for the foreseeable future. We did obstain once before for about 3 months, just to focus on life and God, but agreed that we would continue. I supported his new years idea saying for the new year we could focus on our hobbies and careers together, whil having a non-sexual relationship so we lock in on our other goals. But for me, it was hard to indefinitely postpone being intimate as it was a large component of our relationship but I chose to be excited for the potential connection it could bring in other ways.
I think after him saying he didn’t want to talk about marriage or kids anymore, admitting to having a porn problem, and saying he didn’t want intimacy from me anymore sort of compiled and now I am spiraling with worry.
Just yesterday he started initiating again after giving me a backrub and things got a bit hot and heavy. I brought up that he said he didn’t want to be intimate and I respect his wishes, so I stoped it. He kept trying to pursue me, and I really wanted him to so I started crying because I felt bad for wanting something he said he did not want for us. I obviously wanted to continue but stopped out of respect for him. Yet he initiated – it really messed with my head.
We stopped and had a deep conversation, he said sorry and said that he shouldn’t have confused me like that. He said he needs to go cold turkey from all lustful things to avoid being tempted by porn. He said that didn’t know he would need me to be a part of the journey but it was looking like I was becoming a part of it. He said that he didn’t ever want to feel like he couldn’t control himself and he struggled to control himself around me.
Honestly, the porn problem wasn’t something I judged him for at all – the worst part about it all is not being excited for marriage or kids. I keep trying to make plans for us but I feel like he just doesn’t want any part of me anymore. He said that if we can’t survive without sex then we shouldn’t be together anyway because that shows a weak spiritual connection – but I don’t know what to do now.
I want to acknowledge that it is not ideal for me to be venting here and it is likely my own desire to be desired which is making his self improvement journey hard for me. I feel like we shouldn’t have had sex before marriage because it is complicating everything, and I feel stupid for falling for the ‘being spiritually married’ thing we said when we first got together. I feel like I should have been stronger for us.
How can I help him not be tempted by lust while also doing relationship things?
I am praying it is a temporary blimp in an otherwise beautiful and longterm relationship 🙏
Girl if you weren’t enough to keep him from porn what makes you think you’re enough for him to want marriage and kids with?
If he’s watching porn and suddenly says he can’t have sex at all, that’s a problem, bc all humans need release, and if he’s denying you he’s probably indulging in other things, maybe even porn still. You don’t jsut make stuff like that go away with willpower, that’s the reality. You say he’s handling it but how? Wishful thinking?
Your gut is telling you the truth, something is definitely wrong. This sounds like it an only get worse not better. If he doesn’t want marriage w you why would he go to therapy for you? And why would you want someone that needs relationship counseling before the marriage has even begun.
You don’t need to figure out exactly what’s wrong, something is clearly wrong, and it’s not your job to fix it nor are you capable of it. Cut your loses and run.
Thanks for the advice, I sort of feel capable of at least trying to figure out? Like I want to understand this issue as it affects so many men and I need to understand how people overcome this problem. This is just a small snapshot of his life and he supported me through so much, surely I could learn something and help
He is pulling away in every possible way. He doesn’t want the same things you do. He is making his problems your problems and blaming you for his problems. Don’t marry this person.
A perspective to concider for sure, do any men want a wife and kids anymore or are we all too broke now
He probably doesn’t want it with you
You have 2 choices here either one tell him porn isnt an issue and ask to watch it together so he doesnt feel like its cheating. He’s probably just got a kink for watching other people which is very normal. Or 2 you support him through this like he supported you through that stressful job. Relationships are difficult the people in the comments saying hes awful are idiots. If you love him support him either by saying its nothing to be ashamed of and you can do it together or support him while he tries to kick the addiction.
Keep in mind he supported you through your stressful situation so supporting him in some way is the right choice. Porn addiction is a real thing that tons of people struggle with. It literally spikes dopamine in your brain and can kill sex drives. Try to find a way to help him like he helped you through your crying session.
Thanks for this. I will not watch porn with him and would not consider that a healthy option. I won’t shame him for it either – just asked him to describe it and process why he turned to it. I know porn addiction is real, but how do I respect his wishes for no intimacy with me? He said that he wants to make love and not from a place of lust but that he feels lustful. What is the difference between love and lust?
What an odd mindset he has.. sex with your partner or an actual person is actually very beneficial if you’re quitting a porn habit