Hi,
I’m in a recent relationship with someone who I truly care about. Due to past failed relationships I tend to become dependant on my partner. Looking back at our situation we are spending alot of time together and i’m always sharing activities/being by her side. I’m pretty caring by nature, but I feel like i’m planning my activities based on what she/we want. recently we had a talk about how she has some issues with my dependancy on her feeling strangled and she is unsure about finding steadiness in me because it looks to her like she is the motor and catalysator for me for undertaking actions.
I understand these feelings and I appriciate her sharing it with me, but I am looking for tips/helps for me to become less dependant. It is true that my mood is based on how she feels and on the validation that I receive. I do feel less attraction but I want to avoid be becoming more depedant and asking for more validation because this will only enforce her worries.
I need to find the balance between my needs of affection/closeness and her needs for more breathing room. I do feel she truly cares/likes me but I want to give her the steadfastness she needs. i have a good job, good friends/family, no financial troubles, have my own place, I only am emotionally scarred & lacking my own goals regardless of her.
You need to stop telling her what is going on in your head for a start and stop pigeonholing yourself as a certain type. You existed before this woman so think on that. There is nothing wrong with enjoying people’s company and being attracted tends to draw you to the partner. If she needs space, then have days when you don’t see each other. If you live together, let her go out on her own. You should have your own friends too. Go out with them and have fun. Even if you would rather be with her. Everyone, including you, needs to have a secret garden. Go out to places, museums etc, so that you have something interesting to discuss. Whatever your speciality is. You could also study and make that an achievement.