I (20f) and my boyfriend (21m) have been officially together for about two and a half months, in total going out for around five. we are medium distance so we only see each other on the weekends, but that’s been okay. due to college getting busier, i won’t be able to see him until 10 days from now when I go home for break, but then we can spend lots of time together.
We said "i love you" around a month ago, and used to text it often. the last time he said it was december 1st. i’ve said it 5 times since then and he hasn’t said it back. usually we’re also texting about other things so he doesn’t outright ignore me but it feels like he’s ignoring that statement.
he confided in me recently that he’s been feeling depressed. i obviously feel terrible and though there’s not much i can do to help him from far away, i offered to come pick him up and drive him to me so we can spend the weekend together (that’s six hours total there and back) because his car has been acting up lately, i’m desperate to rekindle the romance as its always better in person, but im worried if that plan doesn’t work out we might not last until break.
i love him so much and this situation has filled me with a lot of anxiety. i don’t want to ask for reassurance too much and give him another thing to stress out about, so i’ve been keeping that feeling to myself.
he is my first official boyfriend, but there have been guys i’ve talked to who broke it off because they’re “not in the right headspace to be in a relationship" and i want to avoid him feeling like that, so i don’t want to bombard him with my feelings.
i did text "is everything still okay if we don’t see each other for a while", meaning is our relationship okay, but again that text was sandwiched into other things so he didn’t directly respond to it and responded to the ones around it.
i don’t know what to do. I’m trying to tread carefully so i don’t lose him, but i don’t want to sit with this anxious feeling of impending doom.
TLDR: should i ask for reassurance about the relationship from my depressed boyfriend, or keep it to myself and wait so as to not bother him?
Sweetie, if you feel like you have to walk on the eggshells and beg for basic „I love you” then think again is it worth it.
You can excuse that something was sandwiched between other texts. Be direct and ask him about things that bother you. I get feeling depressed but sometimes people use „feeling depressed” as shield from everything.
You seem to be confusing sadness and depression. Depression is a debilitating disease. It’s not an excuse. If you haven’t experienced it yourself you have no idea how difficult it is.
He’s not in the right headspace to tell you that HE is OK, so he’s definitely not in the right headspace to tell you that YOUR RELATIONSHIP is OK. He doesn’t have the time to reassure a needy girlfriend. I’m not saying you’re needy, but right now, you’ll feel needy to him when he has nothing to give.
In a long-term relationship, you coast on past highs to get through these inevitable lows, and hopefully you’re not both down at the same time for prolonged periods. After 1.5 months, you just don’t have those past highs to draw from.
Waste of windshield time for you to drive 1.5 hours each way, 4 times. Go visit him.
He might not be in the right state of mind to even be in the relationship based on what you describe.
If he’s likely to be suffering from clinically depression, he needs to seek professional helps. Don’t try to be his therapist since that would likely put the mental load on you.
Are you ok giving him space while he’s sorting things out? If not, then maybe consider part way he is not able to put afford into making things works.
If you feel like don’t need a partner to fulfill your life, you could consider leave things as is for now and continue to communicate with him for couple more weeks/months before making the decision.
If he really suffers from depression, and isn’t just sad, he doesn’t need pressure from you. He needs empathy. Depression is a bear. It feels like you’re at the bottom of a dark well.
I think if he truly loved you, he would say it. Being depressed doesn’t keep people from saying they love each other.
Also, he didn’t accidentally ignore your question about whether things are ok. That was purposeful avoidance.
If you research some info on attachment theory, you’ll likely find that you’re an anxious attachment style. He might be avoidant – not enough info to know for sure.
The feelings you have right now, though, won’t go away with someone like him, unfortunately.
If you don’t want to officially breakup, I recommend finding things to do without him until he reaches out and plans a visit himself. Find new hobbies, new friends, etc. Fill your life with joy to overcome the anxiousness you currently feel. If he can’t be with you in times of need, he doesn’t deserve you in the good times.
Please don’t settle for a man who treats you so poorly.
Yes, I’m getting the anxious attachment/needy vibe as well.
Back off with the texts. Stick to one topic at a time.
Maybe the best way to get answers from him isn’t to sandwich important texts between others. Instead, try calling him, talking in person, or only sending important texts. Besides all that, If he’s genuinely depressed, texts needing serious replies are not going to be anything he wants to deal with. Depression isn’t just feeling in the dumps, it’s serious shit that can really throw a person into a tailspin.
Hun, if he’s depressed, you aren’t equipped, nor will you ever be, to handle that. He should see a doctor, and possibly a therapist. I’ve been on anti-depressants for just over two months now, and my life feels completely changed around.
>I don’t want to sit with this anxious feeling of impending doom
Stop texting him so frequently and start going to the gym regularly. For reals. Studies have shown exercise is beneficial for anxiety, and can be more beneficial than medication.
Do it regularly. Alternate cardio with mindfulness practices such as yoga, etc.
Let him heal from whatever is making him depressed. Allow him to reinvent himself