Long time lurker, first time poster. Can’t believe I’m here
Per the title, I’m experiencing considerable doubt and uncertainty and am genuinely contemplating ending things.
The primary issues:
1. We agreed to not have kids but both of us always left space to change our minds or have kids in alternative ways. I now fully want kids, which she is somewhat prívvy to. We do have 3 dogs and a cat. I’ve never had to think of her as the mother of my children before, and now I don’t know that I could see her as that.
2. I feel like I’ve fully lost myself in the relationship and that I either gave up on making decisions or lost the authority. I look around at the pieces and outside of our pets, nothing feels like mine. I find myself just saying "whatever you want" to avoid conflict. I don’t know how else to say it than I’m just not the same person and I don’t know myself anymore.
3. The little issues are starting to stack up. Things like being extremely antisocial, losing her cool on a dime, being lazy / unmotivated, not trusting me on my own (for no reason – I don’t feel comfortable doing things on my own due to push back from my wife)
4. While I love her dearly, I don’t know that I’m IN LOVE with her. Nowadays it feels like a sister or best friend, not a romantic partner. I didn’t spend a lot of time looking at our wedding photos and I don’t know why. We have sex 1x/month on average and it is always good.
5. All in all, it is difficult for me to think of reasons to stay together that aren’t her feelings, the dogs, family, etc. this will sound horrible but I commonly regret not dating more and having a better understanding of what I wanted when we committed. My wondering eye has "started talking to me" and "fantasizing" about being able to date.
6. We have different perspectives on work / careers. She is not very driven and fine working then leaving and forgetting / not caring about it. I care about work deeply and honestly want to work harder / more if it weren’t for expected push back.
7. Maybe I’m just non confrontational but alternatively it feels like I constantly am walking on eggshells.
Other context:
1. We’ve been married for 1.5 years, 8 years together.
2. I’m on anti-anxiety medication and recently increased my dose twice.
3. I make more and pay more of the expenses – though we contribute equally to the expenses themselves. She’s not very financially literate and hasn’t responded well to financial conversations of discussions in the past. We have a mortgage.
4. Some of this could be attributed to being asleep at the wheel personally, which I would like to work on. Part of me feels like I disconnected from reality for the last 5 or so years and came back and hate it. It feels impossible to work on me and us at the same time.
I don’t know what to say. Give it to me, reddit!
ETA: I should have mentioned this in the original post more, but I feel fucking AWFUL, these thoughts have been all consuming for two weeks. I know that I should talk to her but I genuinely want to better understand if there’s a path at all before I bring it forward. It’s not lost on me how shitty this all is, how it could have been prevented, and I’m now acting selfish.
Okay you already know it’s not great, so let me help you stop whipping yourself a bit here. You got with her when you were 24 and she was 20. That is… young to choose a life partner. Definitely too young on her end. You aren’t compatible evidently, and grew up and found out.
She asks you to not go out by yourself because you have a wandering eye btw, women know how you feel about them. Don’t keep her as a placeholder any longer. End it cleanly and restart your life.
Do right by her and make sure she has enough finances to live a decent life, don’t devalue her contributions just because you are the “breadwinner” is my only caution here.
This. Is is honest and true
Thank you for the advice. I agree 100% on our ages and I honestly had not dated much leading up to her and I. I feel like I would have a better perspective on what I’m looking for in a life partner at 30 with this experience.
I really think the going out thing is more about control and dependency, but I understand what you are saying and wouldn’t be surprised if she’s able to catch onto what you’re saying.
Thanks again.
The kids discussion is not really something that can be sorted out. If you want kids in your future but she doesn’t, that’s as good as a divorce right there.
You did bring up a lot of issues you have been bottling up. Before you throw your marriage for a spiral and dump a load on her. I would pick one off that list and see if you can have it corrected. No point in dumping 10 things if you can’t even sort out one thing.
So, could save your marriage from a rock bottom pit if you started with a simple task to start with. Just to see how that goes, then add other things onto the table after one is dealt with and finished.
Her explosions need attention. If she loses her cool on a dime, that needs a big time adjustment on her side.
Also, you have to quit doing this crap:
>I find myself just saying “whatever you want” to avoid conflict.
That’s not a back and forth heathy marriage if you cave just to please her constantly. You’re shutting down your own voice and wants, nothing built around you, everything built around her. That’s a good way to lose yourself and become miserable.
I do think its critical to have a life outside of each-other. Keeping your independence in check. Like, if you lost touch with friends, your hobbies, or yourself… Where doing those things just resulted in fights from her… That would be something you need to get back on track. Not putting up with her ‘you don’t prioritize me if you don’t spend every minute on me’ attitudes. If something like that was going on, should probably focus on that.
What’s the deal with this:
>not trusting me on my own (for no reason – I don’t feel comfortable doing things on my own due to push back from my wife
Does she micro manage you or need to fact check everything you do? Doesn’t trust you to call a company so she needs to be there for it or something?
sooner or later one or more of these things is going to make it glaringly obvious what you should do. Granted, I’ve been married a long time and can say that often the roommate thing can enter the marriage, but if they’re a good roommate, and you know that you’d not want to have changed any of the chapters you’ve written together than that’s just fine with me. I know who he is and we have so much together. Just saying this so you know that eventually that togetherness does become a bit mundane. For most everyone, can’t imagine someone chiming in to say how totally fascinating their partner is after 10-20 years….Up to you how/if ya wanna exchange that for something “new”, in which it will only happen again eventually as well.
Interesting that you both left a space (your words) to have children. If you’re looking for a family to start to make you FEEL something again…..well, maybe best it not be her, if you say you cannot see her as the mother to your children. That’s a pretty big deal that you guys need to be on the same page with. If not, then either explore the topic with her further, or let her know that it’s not working because of XYZ you listed. Maybe she’ll want to make some changes. If not, DO NOT stay married out of guilt. Stay married because you have a future that you want with HER.
I think you should go to counselling. To figure out if you can work through these things or if it’s time to part ways. Although I think this is fixable with better communication.
Set her free you already checked out. Get therapy before getting into another relationship. You should be honest with her and tell her what you told us. She can sense you don’t love her and I am sure it shows.
Agree with this!
I do not see myself getting in a relationship any time soon. I want to spend time “reclaiming myself” if that makes sense.
It’s obviously a ton easier to articulate this to an anonymous forum – I appreciate your perspective.
Everybody deserves to be happy. Find yours.
Everything you said she is unhappy too! You grew up finding out you are not a good match. If you both were single today you probably would not make it past the first date!