A couple months ago I found out my husband was using OnlyFans behind my back. I was especially hurt over learning he had met one of the girls he’d subscribed to, in a couple work related events. I made a whole post about it which can be found here: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/1qninbd/comment/o25ul6b/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/1qninbd/comment/o25ul6b/)
Lately we’ve had some tough conversations about our intimate life. During the whole five year relationship he’s led me to believe he only has eyes for me – I’ve thought I found quite the gem. But at the same time I’ve also wondered about his lack of initiating, not flirting with me, not really complimenting me, not responding the couple times I’ve sent nudes, stuff like that. One time I stopped initiating sex to figure out where he stands. Two weeks passed by without him even saying anything, so I just thought, okay, he works a lot and is very focused on that and maybe he’s just not wired that way. Whenever I’ve asked if he’s happy with our sex life he’s said yes. I decided not to make a problem out of it – it’s quality over quantity after all.
Now he’s confessed he’s actually been masturbating and using a porn a lot more than I’ve thought. And so on Valentine’s day we came to a head. I expressed my fear that maybe during the whole relationship, except for the very beginning, he’s chosen his hand and pixels over seeking me out, even though he knows I would much like to connect with him intimately. So he explained that he has used porn to fantasize about actually being with the women on screen. That it’s a manly biological desire and every guy does it.
It’s of course natural to feel attracted to other people even in the most committed, loving relationships, but I *still* feel like there’s something quite icky about our specific situation. I can’t even begin to describe the pain of realizing that I’ve spent so many nights alone in our bed, longing for him, when he’s been in his room fantasizing about fucking other women, using his words.
He says he realizes his behavior has not been ok and from now on he wants to concentrate on me… but I’m just unsure. It’s like I don’t know this man anymore. In a couple months I’ve gone from believing I have the most loyal husband to finding out he’s even willing to pay to see other women naked and fantasizes about being with them instead of me, a live woman who loves and desires him. Does he now have to force himself into being into me? He acknowledges for some reason initiating sex or even expressing his needs is really hard, that he doesn’t want to "be a slave" to his sexual drive. But I just don’t know what more I could do! I’m already so very laid-back in bed. I feel like this is a him problem, but I would like to help solving it – if I only knew how.
I do understand the feel to masturbate and this isn’t about that – but… in my mind, if you’re in a relationship, your partner should be your primary resource of sexual pleasure. He says he likes it whenever we’re in bed, but at the same time clearly when he’s been left to his own devices he’s preferred fantasies over me. Is there anyone who can relate to him or even understand what’s going on? Is he just not that into me? I’m so confused. This is clearly about so much more than just the OnlyFans betrayal.
Read the first and last paragraph, yea imho only fans is NOT cool (and I’m not one of those people that’s like “yeah u can’t do anything during a relationship”). Porn is porn, but only fans ur paying to see a SPECIFIC person naked because you have so much preference towards them vs the thousands of free videos on the internet
Porn and masturbation is a quick and easy dopamine fix.
I find the comment about fantasising about fucking other women strange though. I’m in a happy, committed relationship. That’s never how I’ve viewed porn. It’s simply a means to an end. That end is maintenance. The goal is the real thing. With my wife.
So no, I can’t relate to that. I think it’s weird. Ava somewhat concerning.
That’s how I have used porn. He did not seem to grasp the difference between viewing it in a voyeuristic sense versus actively fantasizing about other women.
To me, the issue is that he is neglecting you and his relationship, for this fake pseudo-relationship that he is having with a person he is paying. That and the lying. He doesn’t understand that his real life relationship went 2 weeks without physical intimacy because he was too busy in a fake sexual relationship with a person he is paying. He is losing sight of reality. If he stopped paying that person, they would stop all contact with him.
And of course the fact that he has hurt you.
Personally, I see OF as cheating. And it’s easy for a person to become addicted. I also see it as sad and pathetic- but in judgemental like that.
I am sorry he has done this to you. I’d also feel really hurt and betrayed in your shoes. It sounds like you are open to sexual exploration, yet he has still chosen to be lazy and go to OF. He needs to understand how serious a breach of trust this is for you. And how hurtful this is for you. And he needs to make repairs to the relationship. Have you explained how hurt you are?
I have and I do think he gets me, but I’m still hurt over the thought that we’ve been living in two different realities, you know? I thought I had his absolute loyalty so to realize the actual state of our relationship has been something else is quite a bitter pill to swallow.
I do admit I’ve also been waiting for some reparations – like maybe planning a nice date or something. But I didn’t even get flowers on Valentine’s. That one really bummed me out. It’s not that I’m after gifts – but some effort would be appreciated. I know I would apologize profusely if our roles were exchanged, not only by words but by showing up for him in some way I know would make him happy.
Becoming more and more common. Deadbedrooms subs has plenty of women in just this situation.
Have you seen the contents of the OF pages? It might give you an insight into his kinks. Maybe he’s so ashamed of what he likes he could never bring it up with the person he would hate to disrespect or degrade like that.
Yeah and in fact there was a kink he was shy to share. The kink in itself is more than fine with me – it’s the fact that I’ve repeatedly asked him about his needs and he still chose to keep it a secret. We could’ve been doing it ourselves the whole time!
He hid it out of shame so try to keep that in mind with your initial reaction
Porn is just porn, but OnlyFans is a whole other thing, especially an OnlyFans of a woman he’s met in person. I don’t relate to him or understand him, especially with his weird comment like he’s thinking of being with those women, he’s obviously choosing that over you.
I’m a cheap bastard. I just can’t convince myself to pay for porn when the internet is flooded with it already.
It is true that there is a biological drive to “fuck every woman”. However, people have consciousness so that they can choose to override their basic biological drive and be faithful. At least from my standpoint, overriding basic biological drives is a common thing for most people. You don’t give in to the “call of the void” every time you walk across a high bridge; you don’t stuff yourself with more food than you need at every meal; you don’t punch every stranger you pass on the sidewalk in the face; you’re supposed to demonstrate self-control and philosophy and wisdom. These are things your husband lacks. He needs to choose to take charge of his life instead of settling for addictions and basic urges.
*I was especially hurt over learning he had met one of the girls he’d subscribed to,*
I personally do not think that OF is good for men who use it. But I am not going to judge to harshly on that. Not for me and I would strongly tell people not to use it.
But meeting someone who you subscribe to is well beyond the line of what is acceptable in a relationship. That is a conscious move to build a rapport with someone.
Yeah, I usually think the “OMG, he’s addicted to porn” posts are bullshit. But, this guy is cheating.