Well, I was dating this guy for three months and we had the talk to define the relationship. He seemed very nervous about it and said we weren’t on the same page, because he had already noticed that I wasn’t a "casual relationship person" and he wanted something casual.
Not gonna lie, it made me a little sad and I felt a bit used because he had noticed that earlier and still waited for me to bring up the conversation. I mean, he was showing interest in seeing me weekly. He had a toothbrush at my place and I had one at his. We had deep conversations about everything. We were treating each other like we were moving toward something serious.
He tried to explain himself and I told him it was okay! He didn’t need to explain why he didn’t want a serious relationship, it just yes or no. He said he was worried about me because I seemed too calm and I told him that I am in my 30s and have the responsibility not to waste my time on situations that aren’t good for me.
He seemed really worried that the conversation wasn’t too emotional, nahhh, what could I do? The guy was saying no to a future with me, so byeee. But honestly, I don’t want to go through this again. What can I do differently next time?
first date is a proper time to talk about general relationship goals. if you are looking for a serious relationship but your date isn’t, you won’t end up wasting several months with that person
That’s a tough one. The game is hard and messy… there’s no way around that. You did the right things… especially the breaking up part but it didn’t work out. Try again. Godspeed
Whenever you decide you actually want some type of relationship with the person.
I think if I really vibed with someone over a few dates and determined that we have Long Term Compatible Life Goals, I would ask to make the relationship Official
Wow what an immature guy lol. A woman like you I would date instantly. Seems like you did everything good while he was just an emotionally immature guy.
Ah, that makes me sad. He was a really nice guy and I cried a little bit when I got home 🙁
He said he doesn’t know how to express himself, but he realized in therapy that he doesn’t want anything serious. He was questioning if he was emotionally irresponsible, so to give him some relief, I told him that I have my responsibilities, that I brought up the convo when I reached my limit and that if I kept things casual with him, I would be wasting my time and being irresponsible with myself. Still, it’s sad… I liked him. Dating sucks.
Dating Sucks, and dating communication is hard. Casual and serious almost feel like too vague of terms. Does casual mean a fling? Does serious mean moving in together? Is there such a thing as a casual-serious monogamous relationship with a future when you don’t live together? I’m sorry you didn’t mesh up with your ex.
So he doesn’t want a future with you but he was upset that you weren’t upset enough? Yeah he seems like a real winner. Most people avoid confrontation at all costs. He would never have brought it up because he was happy the way things were going.
I hope you realized that he liked you more but didn’t wanna commit and that’s why he was so upset. Or at least he couldn’t believe you weren’t more into it even though he wasn’t supposedly. Sounds like a little bit of a mind game if you ask me and you did the right thing. I hear I hope you’re OK with your choice. You certainly made the right one for you.
The fact that he would never have brought this up makes me feel like shit. I know we shouldn’t expect exclusivity without saying it out loud, but why would you treat me like a girlfriend if you already know you don’t want anything serious with me? He said he felt it coming up his throat but couldn’t say it. Damn… It kind of sucks.
I am totally okay, just a little bit sad. I already cried a little bit, but I think it’s enough. Life goes on. I just don’t want to go through this again.
I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the saying you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince. There’s a reason for that. Hopefully you’ve learned a couple lesson lessons from this experience. That’s the whole point of dating. When you find the right person you click. When you want to find the right person you think you do. It’s kind of a double edged sword.
If you want advice I would say try to find somebody who’s out of your comfort zone who is not a person you would normally date. Especially socially awkward ones. They tend to be kind and caring and genuine. Clothes can be changed haircuts can be altered. Personalities are forever. You’ll feel better I promise. Rejection hurts. Remember though he wasn’t rejecting you he just wanted everything without giving anything in return. You know that wasn’t good for you that’s why it hurts. Say lots of positive affirmations about yourself. Replace all the sad thoughts with good thoughts. Every time you think of him replace it with something else without him. And soon those memories won’t even be there anymore. Your brain is a super computer that thinks about what you let it.
I usually did it after a dated but before I slept with the person. That was easier for me. But I understand most people don’t do it that way. So it’s all personal.
As a guy in his 30s who is usually (the problem) in situationships….I recommend discussing general relationship goals early on, dates 2-3. Not locking in anything, just overall goal discussion to prevent mismatches like you described.
Assuming y’all both said you would be into something serious in the beginning, I’d say 2-3 months would be the time to DTR. If either of you is still on the fence then, that’s the answer in and of itself.
This is very much a ‘do as I say and not as I do’ situation.
I think when you are meeting someone and in the talking stages (or whatever it’s called now lol) you should ask, “what are you looking for?” That’s how it used to be. That’s when you tell someone that you do not want something casual. You are dating with intentions of making it long term with the right person.
Maybe give yourself a timeline to decide if the next guy is worth pursuing or not. A timeline that works for you. If you find yourself getting feelings, maybe vocalize it. That way either he’s heading that way, or he’s in it for the fun and you find out sooner than later.
So, basically, he liked how your relationship was casual. Or, more precisely, he could **ASSUME** it was casual. It sounds like you were in one of those vile “situationships.”
When things started getting serious, as shown by **HIS ACTIONS**, you had “the talk” and he backed off. You wisely ended things then and there. Even though he damn well knew it was going towards something serious.
In the future, you can make clear **up front** that you are looking for a serious relationship, and you’re not going to waste your time on a relationship that stays casual or a “situationship.” You had good boundaries at the end, but need to make very clear up front.