Hi everyone, just wanted to start off by saying I love my parents SO please don’t be too harsh. Also, both my brothers (21M and 23M) live at home, so we are all together a lot. I’m also dyslexic, so if there are grammar errors, just ignore them. And for reference, I’m a 17-year-old in the closet bisexual female.
I (17F) have 2 brothers, a mother and a dad. My mom and I have always been super close, but she’s not really the type of person you can talk to about emotional or personal issues. She always makes things awkward or turns something into a joke, hence why I’m in the closet around my family. My oldest brother (23M, who I’ll call James) has recently, over the past few months, started dressing "differently." He has always been very shy and secluded from our family, but recently has shown an interest in putting on dresses, heels, and cat ears. He originally was excited to show our family, and I was, of course, super supportive. My mom (52F), on the other hand, was not particularly excited for him. Instead of being supportive, she said something along the lines of "Are you planning on wearing that out of the house?" James had shown a picture of himself in a dress in a busyish park, and my mom was really worried someone he knew would see him and bully him. He has been bullied in the past, and my mom did not want that to happen again. Behind his back, my mom has several times come to me and told me about how she feels the need to protect him, and that she thinks it’s really weird. I, of course, didn’t really say anything as I didn’t really know what to say. My dad has also made jokes about him being queer, and I can see that it always makes James uncomfortable. My mom is not particularly homophobic, and I know this as she has gay friends she has known since college, but for some reason, when it comes to James, she is being unsupportive. I know she’s scared for him, but it’s getting to a point where he’s hiding everything from the rest of my family, and when he shows me things, he tells me not to show or tell anyone. I know all she wants is to protect him, but really, she’s making him hide who he is. I have talked to James and told him about how she said all she wants to do is protect him, and all he really said was "I know". I hate seeing him hurt, and I feel the need to tell my mom to stop. So, would I be the asshole for talking to my parents and calling them homophobic?
YWNBTA. you would be doing a really good thing I think, but only do so if you feel safe
Talking to them and calling them homophobic straight up probably won’t help anything. Instead, have an open and frank conversation about their approach and the impact it has on your brother (if he gives you permission to talk to them about it). You seem to be emotionally intelligent and understand that your mother is having a protective reaction because she doesn’t want him to get hurt. She might not realise that her response is upsetting James.
So no, you wouldn’t be the asshole. But I don’t know if it is the best way to broach the subject.
Highlighting the“if he gives you permission to talk to them about it” bit.
Why don’t you start by talking to your brother? He is in a sensitive place, so are you. You can be a team and support each other. Your parents are being a problem and yes, once you and your brother are in a position to, you should call out their homophobia. But I think right now the best thing you can do is talk to your brother, support each other
I really want to talk to James and ask his opinion about talking to them. Im just worried he will shut me out and I won’t be able to help him. If that happens, I don’t know what I would do.
NTA but it has to come at a point to them as parents to be said in a way that they won’t be offended.
As a parent (and as someone who’s fine with someone expressing themselves), I would come at it as being a (kid) maturely and saying to them. I want to be open with you and to be accepted as I love you as you are (mom and dad)
Then expand on the dressing and etc.
Especially since you mentioned your mom has gay friends.
It only is from someone who cares for you as a person/child/parent that you don’t want someone to be bullied or made fun of
I’m 55 and a lifelong ally. Back when your mom and I were young, it was super dangerous to be gay. A friend of mine back in high school got beaten so badly by his father that he had to be hospitalized with his jaw wired shut. His father was one of the rich guys in town and he wasn’t arrested or anything. The hospital notified the police, but the officer that came out told my friend that if he had a gay son, he’d do worse than put him in the hospital. When my friend got released, his parents wouldn’t let him come home. He was 16 and he had to couch surf from friend to friend while still healing from his injuries. I have many stories like that about how hard and dangerous it was.
It’s not perfect now, and people still get hurt for being gay or queer or different, but it’s still safer than it used to be. Maybe try to have a conversation with her about how things are somewhat better these days, and how many people will accept your brother dressing like he wants to. And that being authentic to yourself is more important than being accepted by judgmental people you don’t like in the first place. If her concerns are really about his safety, maybe she will reconsider. If the problem is that she’s ashamed of him, then I’m really sorry. That’s sad.