I am a die hard arsenal fan. I pirate every single one of their games multiple times a week to watch them, dealing with the awful lag and freezes because I can’t afford to watch it any other way. I collect arsenal shirts and signs etc. basically I’m a massive fan and always have been.
My brother (18 months younger than me, we are both late teenage aged) hasn’t followed them at all. He couldn’t even name a single past or current player. He sometimes watches the World Cup but mainly as an excuse to drink. Basically he is technically a fan of arsenal, but only because it’s a generational family thing- he never really enjoyed football at all.
I understand that it’s not my money or choice to make, but it feels unfair to me. I saw arsenal play once around 10 years ago and I still remember it fondly. My brother is seeing them tomorrow with my dad and has seen them before more recently than me.
Once again, I get that it isn’t my decision to make. I just feel let down given my intense love for the team, watching over an hour of related content a day surrounding transfers, rumours, game reviews, player ratings etc.
Neither of us have special needs or anything, but I am diagnosed with a chronic mental health condition/ disease. (Just to make the point that it’s not like he’s disabled or something)
I feel somewhat guilty for feeling this way, but I am really annoyed about this. I often watch the football with my dad, but since he clearly values that so little (and it is the only thing we have remotely in common) I’m not sure I want to do that anymore.
It’s all we ever talk or connect over at all, and I have struggled to find any other common ground or love/affection from him for anything else.
The surrounding context over the situation does mean I sort of understand it, but I still feel let down.
I feel like it’s the only thing that connects us at all, they seem to get along more easily with a more similar sense of humour and drinking culture.
I get it’s just a football game (against a small team) that is very unimportant, even in the fairly unimportant context of football. It shouldn’t really matter.
But to me it does. To me it feels like a clear decision, a clear message. A message that he will always pick him over me, even when it doesn’t make sense to. A message that he doesn’t value the one thing we bond over. I have to make so much effort to talk to him, and often I research football stuff just so I can tell him. Just so he can be interested in what I have to say. And even then he shuts me off most of the time. I thought I finally found a way to make him love me, but clearly I have failed in that.
I have been heavily considering confronting him about this, or making it clear I disapprove of his decision. I have also been considering complaining to my brother about it.
Please don’t roast me, I understand I’m acting like a spoiled kid – but I’m still upset over this situation.
Maybe ask him if you and him can go to a match sometime too, but also understand that he might have wanted 1-1 time with your brother. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want it with you, it just wasn’t the time. I say ask but dont confront.
That’s a good perspective. We can’t afford to go to games, it’s very much a once every year or two opportunity.
NAH, how about you try to find something other than football to connect with your father over. to me it seems you are overly fixated on it and he doesn’t really care as much as you do.
He enjoys football lots, sorry if I didn’t make that clear. He always goes to games and watches it; and it is all we ever talk about together.
INFO… Why is it a clear message that he loves your brother more just because your brother was the last of you two to watch a game with your dad?
Is love a scorecard for you?
They talk far more often, they do things much more together. They laugh together. My dad often takes my brother out for things just him and my dad. He never does that with me. Love is not a scorecard, but things add up over time that make preferences clear.
Confronting? Yes. Talking about how you feel? Absolutely not. It’s all going to be about how you frame it. If you “confront” him, he’s going to get defensive and won’t hear you.
Approach him with “I feel” statements. You’ll be heard.
[deleted]
Just the part of the London I’m from
NAH, but you’re misdirecting the hurt. This isn’t really about the ticket or football, it’s about feeling emotionally sidelined by your dad. Confronting him *over the game* will likely backfire and sound accusatory. If you talk to him, focus on how you feel disconnected and want more effort in the relationship, not on who went to the match. Your feelings are valid, but the framing just needs care.
This might be me being a dumb American, but do you have access to therapists under UK healthcare? I think you might benefit from talking to one to get better tools as to how to talk to your dad about this. I don’t think you are wrong for feeling bad, but I think it would be helpful to get a professional to assist in navigating those emotions so you can have a healthier conversation with him.
*Please don’t roast me*
I’m not going to roast you. Your sadness at being the overlooked son is coming through loud and clear.
Instead, I will say: try framing this conversation with your father differently. In your subject line, and later in your post, and in your response to the judgement bot, you use the words “confront” and “confronting”. That’s a stern, belligerent, even angry word. The impression it gives is that of a young male deer finally ready to put the older deer in his place with a clash of antlers. A confrontation is likely to end with a fair bit of licking of wounds on both sides.
Some situations do call for a confrontation, but I’m not sure this one does. Or not yet, anyway.
Instead, try approaching it gently. “Dad, can I talk to you about something important to me? I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a long time about this, but I wasn’t sure how. I’m still not quite sure how.”
Then tell him what you told us – how sad you are that you don’t get to spend much time with your father, how important your love of Arsenal is to you, how you wish you could share this love with someone who is also a diehard fan, how seeing Arsenal play ten years ago remains one of your fondest memories, how it would mean everything to you if you could go see them play again, how it hurts to see your brother who is fairly indifferent to Arsenal get to do the very thing that you would like to do more than anything else.
I honestly don’t know what your father’s reaction to all this will be, but at least you will have said your piece without “confronting” him.
If he still doesn’t want to take you to an Arsenal game, I’d suggest you save up some money and buy your own tickets, and then widen your circle of friends to include some Arsenal fans. There are plenty out there. My own nephew is a diehard Arsenal fan, and he lives on the other side of the world from the UK! He saves his money, goes to Europe once a year, connects with all his Arsenal-fan friends he first met online, goes to watch the team play, and has a whale of a time. No one else in our family shares his interest, but he doesn’t let that stop him having fun.
I realize that even if you were to do that, it still wouldn’t address the other major part of your sadness: the fact that you feel there’s no connection between you and your father. And that, I’m afraid, is probably above Reddit’s pay grade to solve.
NTA.
Thanks, this is a really well thought out response and definitely one I find extremely useful. I will think over things for a few days so I can avoid the emotional outburst situation. And then I will try and do things more level headed like you have suggested. It isn’t really about the football, more about the connection.
Thanks for the advice 🙂