I own an apartment, and have a lodger. He’s an ex, but it ended amicably years ago, and we’ve remained good friends since.
He moved back in a bit over three years ago as a lodger. He has a long history of mental health issues, untreated until the last 18 months. He self-medicated, first with alcohol (including during our marriage), then in recent years ketamine. He was using ketamine every night. He behaved similarly to being drunk – slurred speech, stumbling, slow thought processes etc. And as someone who’s obviously been through that with him, but other relatives as well, this triggered my own long-standing depression to worsen. It also started to cause him significant, irreversible physical side effects.
As I said, over the last 18 months he’s been working hard to get better. He went to inpatient treatment three times, got clean, and get the medication and therapy needed to finally be stable. He’s excelled at work, started new hobbies, and been in his words happy and productive for the first time in his life. After getting clean, I warned him that going back to using ketamine regularly again would be crossing a red line for me, and that it would lead to me kicking him out (although I’ve been weak at enforcing threats before).
Meanwhile, in the last two months, my own medication for long-misdiagnosed bipolar disorder type 2 has started to work, and I’ve felt the best I’ve felt in about three years. I’m returning to work in the office, enjoying hobbies, and generally feeling good.
Nearly two weeks ago, he was due to go on holiday to India for Holi, something that’s long been on his bucket list. But his flights were via the Middle East, on the day the current conflict there started. His holiday ended up being cancelled entirely. In his distress, he got hold of some ketamine and used it. I wasn’t happy but knew how distressed he was and that a one-off relapse could happen. I let him get it out of his system, and by the start of the next week he was back at work, and seemingly coping well. He was clean for over a week and I thought he was past it.
But then tonight, he seemed down. Then I found out he’d bought a huge amount more ketamine and was clearly using it heavily. He told me he hadn’t wanted to talk about it because he knew I’d just lecture him about it and didn’t want to feel worse. But I knew he was probably just trying to hide it to avoid the consequences.
So, WIBTA for kicking him out so quickly after a relapse? All the advice I can see online about relapses for addicts is about being understanding and not too critical to stop them spiralling further, but this affects my own mental health (and therefore livelihood and home) too much for me to bear that weight again, and I’ve drawn this line in the sand so many times that I have to put my foot down somewhere. Legally, in the circumstances I could kick him out immediately on behavioural grounds (under UK lodger law), but I would likely give him a month’s notice.
NTA. You warned him before he relapsed that this was a hard line for you. You need to take care of your mental health first and foremost, and you can’t be responsible for his.
I do appreciate your sympathy for him. I know it’s hard. But letting him stay will not help either of you. Do you know if he has people to stay with/another safe place to go?
He doesn’t have anywhere else to go or stay. No other close friends nearby that I’m aware of, and he’s from another country so no family here.
That’s tough. I can tell you still really care for this person…but at the same time, allowing him to keep using drugs under your roof isn’t doing him any favors, even if he thinks it is. Perhaps you can give him notice that he needs to find a new place ASAP? Tbh I would feel absolutely awful about kicking out a struggling friend onto the street, so I get it.
NTA. Ket is a messed up thing. You don’t need that under your roof.
NTA since the law is on your side. A month seems to be a very long time to live with someone on a ketamine binge. Maybe 2 weeks notice instead? That still gives him time to find other housing, talk to a drug counselor, maybe go back to rehab…take responsibility for himself and his mess.
Well, basically I want to at least give him enough time to not be immediately homeless. As far as I know he has nowhere else to go, not even a friend’s sofa.
NTA. It’s seriously affecting your own mental well-being. You don’t need the chaos and you definitely don’t need to be his caretaker.
NTA it’s important to have boundaries. And I say that as the child of an addict and someone who has struggled with addiction myself. It’s affecting your own mental health and addicts will also push your boundaries repeatedly. Sometimes the best thing you can do out of love for yourself and the other person is to say no.
Does he pay rent/help with utilities? If so has he missed any payments? Your mental health is certainly important and you can’t let him destroy the progress you have made in that area. If he is not paying rent or has missed payments I would say he has to go immediately. If he is up to date on payments I would give him a couple weeks to find another place or not that is up to him and not your fault if he doesn’t find a place.
your peace is more important. you can explain this to him and say you are there to help him but if he continues using he has to leave, boundaries. if he leaves make sure he has somewhere to go and tell his family and friends so they can help him. he is not your responsibilty but he is your friend. you can ask him to move out but you should try help him