I (25 F) live with my father (66 M) after the recent passing of my mother. My father has been struggling a lot since my mom passed away. He often leaves stoves on, can’t focus, and has nearly got into severe car crashes after the tragedy. Due to this, I have decided to live with him to make sure nothing happens to him. A lot of people have praised me for doing it, especially since my dad can be very difficult. However, I will say I am grateful to be living with him as it keeps my close to family and he doesn’t charge rent and even pays for my gas and groceries since we share cars and food. He often does not listen to criticism and makes a fool of himself. He can’t even text or send or email without my help.
For Christmas, I wanted to get him a countertop ice machine since he often complains how the ice maker in our fridge has been broken for a while. I bought the machine a few days ago and I was excited to give it to him before we travel for the holidays. While he normally doesn’t give me a gift, I still wanted to give him something, especially something he can use.
Over the last few days with the cold weather, we have been having ants in our house. My father, rather than taking care of it myself, demanded that I sweep and mop the floor and place the ant killer bait. I thought it was odd that he asked me since I think he is fully capable of doing it himself, but I stayed quiet and did it anyways. After half a week, he scolds me for more ants appearing, apparently biting him, and says that I didn’t clean the floor correctly. I then said he should do it himself since he isn’t happy with what I did. This enrages him and he says that i shouldn’t leave in the house if I can’t do that. He calls me a bunch of names and has a tantrum. These tantrums are unfortunately frequent with them escalating to him even saying that my mother didn’t love me, and even that her disappointment in me killed her.
While these tantrums happen and I try my best to keep on good terms since he has no one else and he struggles a lot, I honestly don’t want to give him a Christmas present. While he likes the gifts I give him, I honestly feel like we would be rewarding his behavior if I gave his gift to him. I honestly wanna return it, and if he changes and becomes nicer, I can give it to him then. At the same time, it feels so mean to return a Christmas.
Would I be the asshole if I returned it?
Edit: my mom passed away a couple of years ago and my father immediately started dating after she passed. Last Christmas, I unfortunately had to meet a woman he was talking with who clearly just wanted him for his money. He is no longer talking with her.
As for the gift, he doesn’t know I got him anything. He believes Christmas decorations are a waste of time and electricity so there is no presents under the tree or a tree at all.
NTA, but is your dad getting medical attention? These seem like signs of cognitive decline.
Sounds like he might be in the beginning stages of dementia… these is definitely more to this behavior than him just being an AH, he probably could benefit from some sort of grief counseling or therapy or something.
I didn’t think of this but my grandpa got like this when he was in his earlier stages of dementia
I would say NTA but personally I would still give him the gift
Also, I’m sorry you are having to deal with that OP
NTA. He won’t be appreciative of anything that you give him.
You may want to reconsider your living arrangements as they will only get worse. He’s installed you as wife appliance replacement and will always expect you to cook and clean and organize and take care of him because he chooses not to.
If he’s having cognitive issues, he needs to be assessed and diagnosed so that appropriate safe-guards can be put in place and necessary therapies and medications started.
Not paying rent, etc., isn’t worth losing your independence and autonomy.
Your dad sounds like mine.
Sadly when someone dies, there are several stages of emotions, including anger. I suspect your dad is still in the stage where he is angry at your mother, for abandoning him (by dying) and whenever he sees you, you remind him of her.
NTA. But if your dad gets angry again, make him feel busy, without making it come across that you are being lazy in his eyes. So for example you ask him to watch over you and micro manage you / telling you how to do it, whilst you do the work. This will keep him happier.
Its also worth getting him out of the house and giving him a reason to go out. Take him for example to the local library where he can meet people and/or volunteer, but make it come across that it was his idea to volunteer and not yours, such as hinting they are in need of volunteers, without saying “why dont you volunteer”.
Also get him distracted by taking on a new hobby or doing one that his wife may not have liked him doing, fishing for example, or something that keeps his mind busy.
Sounds like a rough time for you both. Hard during holidays. Been there & it is awful navigating first few months. Wish you the best.
Having said that, gifts should be given freely without expectations. Ok to not give but don’t make it a thing, just don’t do it, no one the wiser. Also okay to give gift with hope (but no expectations) that maybe it can break a bad place for all.
People telling you he’s got dementia etc, is rubbish.
I will tell you exactly what is happening, he’s not sleeping.
For the first time in probably 30 years, he’s in a bed on his own. He wakes up in the middle of the night, realises his wife isnt there and then stays awake, probably sobbing himself to sleep. That or guilt of him not dying first.
I would suggest possibly redecorating, perhaps a new bed and/or putting him in another room in the house, one where he isnt missing her or reminded of her, everywhere he looks.
You have to remember, everything in that house, has memories. Everything has a story, such as “XYZ happened the day we bought that clock from Walmart.”
My dad went through something similar, when my mother died 17 years ago. He’s now in his mid 70’s, doesnt have dementia, although he is losing his hearing.
You need to look up dementia. The stress & sadness your father is under causes him to act in ways that he normally wouldn’t. His reactions to you for not finishing the ant mess is typical. So are the temper tantrums and the comments about mom not loving you. It could be Alzhimers or several other forms. You need to get him to his doctor and figure out if if this is a diagnosis, temporary reactional depression or something else. He might need medication or therapy to help, or it may just take time. But you need to learn ways to cope & protect your mental health also.
He is not going to understand why you are taking his gift back, he has no idea that it would be tit for tat for the ant thing. It would just look like you were being mean. So don’t please. I am an RN who is taking care of my husband of 53 years who has this. His reactions are different to your dads. Please reach out for some help from his physician.
Kindness should always take precedence. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I would still give him the gift. 💝
He may be developing dementia or Alzheimer’s. It can cause mood changes. Take him to the doctor and get him tested. Wishing your family the best.
Edit. You’re NTA.
He going through grief it prob harder now since it close to Christmas he prob going into deep depression I think you give it to him for christmas it might lift up his spirit
This is not him being difficult. This is a medical problem, could be dementia, could be parkinsons. If you cannot get him to let you attend a dr’s appt with him call his dr’s office and ask the receptionist or a nurse to put a note in his file for the dr expressing your concerns. We had to do this with my Dad, it turns out his issues were tied to a series of small strokes and the early stages of Parkinson’s
The tantrums, the non focusing, the forgetfulness- get him tested for dementia.