My friend invited me and our group of high school friends to their Masters graduation. We all grew up on the west coast and the graduation is on the east coast. Flights are at least $500 and hotels are at least another $200. This isn’t going to be cheap for a weekend trip and my friend’s attention is going to be divided between her family and other friends.
Of the friends they invited, I’m the only one who is well off. One friend is unemployed, the other makes 50% area median income, I am at about 80% area median income. Our other friends are feeing financially apprehensive of the trip. I can fairly easily pay for the trip without leaving a balance on my credit card. I was feeling fine about doing the trip until…
My graduating friend visited me for a week on their spring break, and it left me feeling less favorable about going on another trip with them. Towards the end of the trip, their behavior was a touch inconsiderate. I feel like we need to have a heart to heart about the last trip before I’d feel comfortable committing to another one, but even then I feel apprehensive.
They’re adamant on the three of us attending the graduation. I sense that they’d be more understanding if our other friends can’t make it for financial reasons, but they know I can afford the trip. But I have my own financial goals, maintaining an emergency fund, saving for my own graduate education, buying a home, etc. I’m thinking of trying to convince them to do a separate trip with just our group of friends so that we get real, quality time with each other in a more fun location (their university is in a place that isn’t known for its touristic appeal). But they might not like the idea or planning logistics might prevent a trip from happening.
Would I be the asshole if I skip my friend’s graduation?
INFO: Have you said anything to them about the last trip or why you don’t want to go on this one?
Suggesting another trip where you can actually hang out isn’t a bad idea. But it sounds like you were on board until the spring break trip and so that conflict seems like the real problem here.
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NTA. Anyone has the right to excuse themselves to going somewhere, no matter the reason. You do not even need to bring up a reason. If you do not want to go, you do not have to. You are not obliged to anything as an adult. Don´t feel bad about losing “friends” over this if you do. You´ll find in life that real friends don´t push you to do things you do not want to do.
Graduations are boring as hell. I don’t understand why anyone would invite an entourage to one of these unless they suffer from a narcissistic disorder. Parents, maybe siblings. The graduate should be celebrating with family and classmates.
NTAH. You’re never an asshole to politely decline an invitation. Graduation ceremonies are important to the graduate and those who supported them in their educational journey. When you’ve crossed the finish line on a long process like obtaining a degree or postgraduate program, It’s natural to want to invite everyone you know to celebrate your achievementbut it’s also completely understandable that many make it to the celebration, whatever the reason.
That being said, you’re avoiding the trip because of an unresolved issue during the last trip. If you value the friendship, address that issue. You and your friends are full adults now and your lives will move in directions that take you away from each other unless you all make the effort to invest in these friendships and keep them strong and healthy.
I think you need to talk to your friend before making a decision. There clearly are some unresolved feelings that are not finance-based.
Additionally, is the request also coming out of an ask for reciprocation? I.e. did they attend your and other friends’ graduations?
NTA. Only family at graduations.
NAH
It was not wrong for your friend to invite the friend group to graduation. It is equally not wrong to decline the invitation.
NAH. It seems pretty odd to have your HS friends fly across the country to attend your graduation. Suggesting that you all go on a fun trip together instead seems like a much better idea.
NTA you can’t really afford it, all of that money is already allocated to savings for other stuff.
Plus the flight and hotel is just the start of expenses. Every meal will be out, drinks where you’ll be buying rounds, Ubers home, etc.
And you’re definitely right that they’re attention will be “split” you won’t even get 50%. Every one of my graduations, the day or two before was full of hanging out with friends from school that we may never see again. And then the day of graduation and days after are with family and packing/moving out. Sounds like your friend either is so inconsiderate they’re expecting you to come when they won’t have time for you OR they have no friends at school. Either way, it’s not your problem.
Say you’re sorry but you can’t make it, you don’t have the money and/or PTO to attend. If they can’t respect that, then they’re being even more inconsiderate and you should immediately segue into that conversation, tell them it’s disrespectful and selfish to make demands on YOUR money to celebrate themselves.
NTA. I can’t imagine inviting anyone to such a boring ceremony. It’s very important, but only to one person: the graduate.
Tell your other friends that you are declining, so they will feel more at ease about declining.
Then, tell your friend that you can’t come, but later in the year, you can all get together to celebrate. If she gets angry tell her firmly, “This is a celebration for your family.” Then, decline to engage.
NTA- besides graduation ceremonies being the seventh circle of hell, it’s not a fly across the country for kind of event. If it’s your child, yes. Otherwise, nah. Tell them you’re super happy for them and proud of their accomplishment and you will get together soon.
NTA
It’s always acceptable to politely decline an invitation. “Sorry friend, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to attend your graduation. Congratulations on your success and my best wishes for the future.” That’s all you need to say, nothing more. Whatever your reasons are for not attending are completely irrelevant.
That said, you do need to discuss whatever happened with your last trip and not let it linger.
NTA say no to your friend and yes to your finances.