So, this is about my brother (M21) and his ex-girlfriend (F19).
They dated for over a year, but me (F27) and my sister (F24) had been seeing red flags throughout the relationship, and he never listened to us.
The ex always talked down to him, then love-bombed him, and then said rude things to him again. When my brother traveled abroad to visit our cousins, she blocked him because he wasn’t giving her enough attention.
In the middle of the relationship, something happened that, in my opinion, is canon.
Since they were long-distance (Spain–Germany), she told him she was going to a club with two friends, let’s call them Anna and Mia, and then would go back home. Later, she said she was going to sleep at Anna’s place because she was drunk, which I even agreed with because it’s safer.
The next day, during a call with my brother, she mentioned that her friend (let’s call him Jack) “showed up,” and that she had lied to my brother and actually went to sleep at Jack’s place. She implied that Anna was there too. When my brother asked about Anna, she said Anna had gone home earlier.
Months passed, and my brother ended up talking to Anna (they’re friends too) about that night at the club. Surprise, surprise!! Anna never slept there. And even after the breakup, he found out that the house was COMPLETELY empty. It was just Jack and the ex there.
Whenever they had any kind of argument, she would threaten him, saying she was going to cut herself and would blame him for it.
Time passed, they broke up, and this is where everything took a turn.
Out of respect for my brother (and because he made my sister and me promise), I never contacted her. But if she contacted me, I was allowed to ask and say whatever I wanted.
After the breakup, she spam-called him about like 147 calls in LESS THAN 10 minutes. She lied, saying she was pregnant, and didn’t let him sleep. She even PayPal-requested him money for a razor (that she “forgot” at his place) so she could “get ready for Halloween.”
Apparently, they got back together, and she texted me.
I’ll leave the screenshots here.
During a FaceTime with my brother, he showed me their texts where she made fun of something traumatic that happened to him when he was a KID (s.a.).
That was it for me.
Idk what kind of spell she put on him, but he feels like he was wrong for breaking up and that he’s the bad one here.
P.S.:
1 – I read the texts. He never disrespected her or anything like that, because my sister and I call him out when he’s wrong.
2 -All his friends told him she was evil. We even made a GC to talk to him since everyone was far away. Even my cousins who went there to visit talked to me when they came back, because it’s a really worrying situation.
3 -He stayed with her for about 4 months after the event where she slept over at “Jack’s” place.
4 – I just found out I can’t post the screenshots here
WIBTA – no, but (and you probably know this) it will be a tough conversation about a clearly sensitive subject. if you’ve already tried to talk to him about it and he wasn’t receptive maybe try a different way (if it was in a group, talk to him one on one). i may also help to explain from your pov (“it hurts me to see you hurting, and i believe this woman is causing you pain”). good luck!
NTA but you need to do this right. If you just blame the gf he’s just going to get very defensive. So have a calm but serious conversation with him where you tell him that you are worried about him and that he deserves better than someone that does a b c (name the things you said in this post). The most important message is that you care, that you are there for him and that her behaviour is not ok!
Why do you put so much focus on the night she spent in a house with Jack? While obviously lying about it is bad, it’s not really abusive and is actually the least problematic thing in the story. Your obsession with that is weird and misplaced.
The rest of her behavior however does have the hallmarks of abusive relationships and no, you would NTA if you said so.
I feel like I put out this one event here, bc it was basically the first one that he came to us and expressed his feelings.
Bc before that, he was pretty reserved about the relationship.
And my sister and I live in the US and he lives in Spain.
So we don’t have any contact with the relationship in person.
So I feel like it opened my eyes for her, if that makes sene?
You know?
Bc after that it was when he started to mention the other things.
I see. I think lumping that in with the rest will make it harder for him to see the abusive aspects, because that sort of lying/cheating are not uncommon and are often forgiven in relationships (wisely or not). But the other stuff are things that are both more nuanced and more damaging – I think saying, look you know she lied to you that time, but there are also other really harmful and abusive behaviors that you’re not seeing and that can really affect your self esteem and wellbeing and connections to family and friends might be more effective.
Because if she cheated, which is likely, that’s the most traditionally obvious bad thing she did.
NTA
But you need to forget about the “Jack story” it is the least problematic element.
She’s emotionally abusive and manipulative. You’re going to be fighting a uphill battle here. Abuse victims have to get out of their own cycle of abuse themselves. When you speak tread carefully. Point out how it’s not normal to threaten yourself physically when in a relationship. Ask him if he feels safe. Basically help him come to the right conclusions in a safe and supportive manner.
NTA – I feel like a lot of these situations start off the same way. The person being abused has low self-esteem (this is the best I can do, I’ll never find anyone else if I break up with this person). Then the abusive person just takes advantage of that and reinforces it. Abusive people know how to be very manipulative. And know how to select their targets.
Does this fit your brother? If so, seems like he might need some counseling or something to help boost his ego.
NTA
Your brother’s relationship shows multiple clear signs of emotional abuse. Lying, gaslighting, love-bombing, threats of self-harm, and mocking past trauma are all manipulative and harmful behaviors. Telling him that what he experienced was abusive is not about shaming him but helping him recognize the patterns so he can process them and protect himself in the future. Approach the conversation gently, focus on the behaviors rather than blaming him, and validate his feelings while helping him see that the relationship was toxic.
Not a question of whether you’d be the asshole; we can take as given that she’s a narcissistic lying psycho. The question is what will be effective. His friends already told him she was evil. It seems like he knows you see her as a big problem, so the question is whether you can escalate, right? I feel like that’s a therapist level question, and Reddit commenters like me will only mess things up if we said what you should do. I wouldn’t be surprised if his SA has given him a low sense of what he deserves, which is why he is drawn to her. Might he lash out if you screwed with that self-perception? I am not sure!