I (34F) am due to have our third baby in the next few weeks. My mother-in-law (72F) already assumes she’ll be taking our kids (4M & 3M) when I go into labor, and loves to brag about it. Part of it is that she loves them of course, but the other part is that she loves the attention and recognition of being ‘needed’.
Aside from that, every time our kids are around her it’s like they forget how to behave completely and the following 1-2 days are nothing but tantrums (she won’t discipline them at all, excuses bad behavior with things like “it’s probably just the weather”, and lets them do literally just whatever they want including way too much screen time – simply said, our kids ‘wear the pants’ when they’re with her). The thought of navigating the first few days postpartum and newborn life at home with my older children in tantrum-mode honestly just stresses me out.
Not only that, but she lives 45 minutes away, is a terrible driver, and has an unfenced pool in her yard. I’m worried about having her come to pick them up and bring them back to her house knowing that, and not watching them close enough to keep them safe from the pool (she’s also in her 70s and doesn’t move very quickly), but at the same time we already live an hour away from the hospital so to bring them to her, move car seats over, and then go to L&D would take 2 hours minimum anyway.
It would also be an option for her to come to our home and stay with them here, but to be honest it just stresses me out to think about coming home to have her not leave for hours and the house be a wreck on top of it (she never has them clean up and as thoughtful as it is, she’ll do things like wash my dishes and then put them in the most random places and half the time on shelves I can’t even reach and it takes me forever to find anything in my own kitchen).
We’re leaning more on the side of having our kids stay with our best friends who live much closer and they would have a blast with (without the tantrums to follow), but if we did that we would still need MIL to take care of our dogs since I wouldn’t want to over ask our friends for help and MIL has watched them at her house before when we’ve gone out of town. I’m not sure how to go about that conversation with MIL though in explaining why we don’t want her taking the kids for those days, and am worried she’ll be offended by asking to take the dogs but not her grandkids…
So, WIBTA if I ask my MIL to watch our dogs while I give birth, but not our kids?
NTA because all that sounds like nightmare upon nightmare, but that is a conversation your partner should be having with her, not you! It’s on them to deal with the fallout of it too, you’re the one about to give birth, you shouldn’t be managing her feelings.
I can’t really think of a way a grandmother wouldn’t be offended by being told ‘I trust you to watch my dogs but not your grandbabies’ tbh. You aren’t wrong to not wanting her to watch them but you need a better plan for the dogs.
I agree with this take. Could you get a paid for dog sitter?
This is exactly my concern because I understand it, just really am hoping for a way to avoid it with the least amount of hurt feelings…
I’m going to look into the Rover app as another commenter suggested, we live in a very rural area though without any friends other than who would be watching our kids so options like that just tend to be extremely limited
Dog boarding is a better option then. You will have to do a trial run but I’ve had to use my boarder in off hours before (they’re great and not every boarder would be this accommodating).
Rover is usually preplanned.
I think the first thing you need to do is get off reddit and talk to the friends who you are planning on asking to watch the kids.
1 it gives them the chance to speak for themselves as to what they can handle
2 they might know someone they trust who can watch your dogs and could maybe use some extra cash to sweeten the deal
To deal with your MIL, its mainly your husband job and her behaviour isn’t going to change unless he sets some major boundaries and the new born is the best time to revaluate babysitting rules.
When I had my 3rd kid (she just turned 4) we had plans in place for “surprise Waters broke” and for induction. If my waters broke we had friends who could come and watch (even at midnight) our kids until great grandma or my dad could get there to take them to their place for a couple of days (I have a history of complications needing monitoring) and for induction we would be going to their place for dinner the night before then leaving the kids for their sleep over.
Basically, you and your partner need to be on the same plan and have plans for both surprise and planned births, but your MIL issue needs to be solved now because it isn’t a blue moon situation, her babysitting style isn’t fair on anyone
YWBTA. Not for having your friends watch your kids, that’s totally understandable, but for asking your MIL to come stay for your dogs while telling her you don’t trust her with your kids.
Ask your friends to help with the dogs too or hire a pet sitter.
NTA but I wouldn’t expect her to agree to watch the dogs once it sets in why she can’t watch her grandkids. She’s good enough for the dogs but not the kids 😅
Yeah, sorry, but YTA. Not for not wanting her to look after the children, obviously. But I’m sure she’ll find your asking her to take care of the dogs but not the kids sort of offensive. And you can’t use the “it’s just too far” excuse if you’re taking the dogs out there anyway. (Plus I’d still worry about the pool; even if the dogs are good swimmers they don’t automatically know where the exit is).
Just find a nice dog sitter or a good kennel.
YTA. If you don’t want her to be involved, don’t involve her. Obviously you shouldn’t ask her to dog sit in this situation.
I wouldn’t let them stay there because of the unfenced pool, you’re right to be wary of that, but aside from that YTA.
If your 4 and 3 year old have tantrums after a couple days of extra screen time and looser rules at grandmas, that’s not her fault. Preschool aged kids can manage a venue change like that without throwing tantrums that upend your day.
I was going to point out more stuff here, but it doesn’t matter because you obviously just don’t like her. You can’t have it both ways where you resent her and think of every excuse in the book for why she can’t be near you, while also asking her for a huge favor.
YWBTA if you had her watch your dogs. Pay someone.
Just hire a dog sitter to watch the dogs at home. Let your besties watch your kids, tell MIL you just want the kids closer to home for when you get back.
Asking MIL to watch the dogs when she’s already so excited to have her grandbabies will cause a big issue, possibly a very large rift in the family. Heck, I’m already offended on behalf of Grandma.
I think you have very good reasons for Grandma not to watch the kids but if you ask her to watch the dogs instead Y are definitely TA.
NTA but I’d probably hire a pet sitter rather than asking her to watch the dogs. Otherwise you’re essentially telling her that you trust her with the dogs but not the kids which will probably hurt her feelings. If you hire a pet sitter you can act like you already had plans so as to not hurt her feelings.
Kids with friends and dogs with sitters. As much as you are valid in your choice in babysitters, having her look after the dogs but not the kids is a bit of a slap in the face.