So for context :
My (30F) daughter (that we’ll call Jane) will be celebrating her 10th birthday in in a few months.
We’ve always done it at my mom’s (66) place but this year’s gonna be different ’cause my mother (let’s call her Alicia) is moving out far from us. Alicia and Jane are really close, and even tho she doesn’t talk about it much, I know Jane is really sad about it, even more considering she’s going through a lot right now with bullying at school and an emotionally absent father.
I’m also suffering from depression, and really going through it right now. I’m in paid sick leave, having appointments with both psychologist and psychiatric. With all of that have come some realizations that my mother is a part of it.
A part of her is really manipulative and she knows exactly how to make you feel guilty for things you have no responsibilities over. She is sick, and suffers a lot, and let’s out her pain and frustration on us (4 kids 2F 2M, but mostly my sister and I). In a way – and I never thought I would ever said that – she has a way to make things all about her, but discreetly. It’s a pattern. She was also physically and mentally abusive when we were kids.
Even knowing all of that, I’ve always stood on firm grounds that she did all she could for us and the best with what she had. And I still believe it somewhat true.
Now with the problem :
Alicia wants to throw her farewell party at the same time as Jane birthday party. Make it a double event. She didn’t ask, she just told me, that would happen.
Honestly, at first I thought nothing on it. But when I started telling people close to me, they got weirded out by it. Even more when I told them I was just informed it would happen.
And I get what they mean. Jane is having a hard year, she deserve to have a special time to celebrate her, with people whom she loves and who love her. She deserves and maybe even need to have that event only about her because between her father and my depression, she’s in need of attention.
But this is my mom place, she’s leaving a few weeks later and I don’t think she wants to steal her granddaughter spotlight either. And she would take it really badly and would be really hurt if I asked her to make it to separate event. It would probably create a gigantic fight.
So Would I the Asshole if I asked her to make two events?
Her just automatically making it a double event on her own merit instead of checking with you is weird. She’s the problem with everything you’ve mentioned.
Definitely NTA. Tell your mom they both deserve their own events that are all about them only. Stand firm on J getting her own birthday party just for her.
How is it grandmother’s responsibility to ensure J gets her own party??
Throw your daughter’s bday at your own place (or trampoline, chuck e. Cheese, park, whatever).
NAH. She’s not doing anything wrong by only wanting to host one party in her home. You’re fine to ask about it being separate parties, but Y T A if you ask her to reschedule her own party, in her own house.
INFO Why don’t you celebrate it at your own home, or elsewhere? You can’t dictate what she does in her home, but you can take the party elsewhere. There seems to be a very easy solution to this problem.
YWNBTA for asking but since your mother is moving far away anyway, it feels like a weird hill to die on assuming that many of the same people would be at both events. And she’s likely to say no so you’ll really be no better off. (Note that I’d probably feel differently if your mom weren’t moving far away, but she is a problem that is self-correcting in that respect. I’d also go low contact after she moves.)
Can you do something either the day before or the day after to celebrate J? Something meaningful that the two of you can do together. Or with some of her friends from school?
Why can’t you start a new tradition and celebrate either at your home, or at a kids birthday place?
Ask her nicely, maybe she’ll do it. If not, plan for having Jane’s party separately, you certainly have time for that. It’s your decision to make, not Alicia’s.
Yta
NTA
But why don’t you ask jane how she feels about sharing her birthday like that?
So you can know if this is even worth the effort of upsetting your mother because based on your description of her it sounds like you’re already facing an uphill battle
NAH. If I were getting ready for a move, I wouldn’t want to throw two parties leading up to it. Let her know you’d prefer separate parties, and throw one for your daughter elsewhere.
Speaking anecdotally as a Christmas baby, kids may not always show it, but they internalise the thought that they’re insignificant when they have to share the one day a year that’s “supposed to be” about them. NTA. Grandma is mature enough to be expected to delay the spotlight being on her, daughter isn’t and shouldn’t.
Edit: perhaps suggest that other people should take on the burden for grandma’s farewell party so she doesn’t have to prepare more than one party.