So my roommate and I meet about a year ago. We played the same sport and I drove her to all of our practices and tournaments. Then we moved in together about 8 months ago.
We come from two different backgrounds. My family is much poorer than hers and cannot afford to support me through college. While hers, pay for everything, tuition, car, insurance, even her groceries. Plus she gets more money every month from her grandparents, and if she calls her mom about wanting something 80% of the time her mom will buy it for it. She has her own money too and a lot of it. I’m currently living paycheck to paycheck with little to no monetary support other that co-signing my loans. She voluntarily works 5 hours a week because she wants to while I work 30-40.
Because of this, I haven’t been the best about cleaning around the apartment which I admit, but I was genuinely doing my best.
Last month during finals she wrote a note saying “we need to talk after my shift”. This gave me horrible anxiety because idk what was going on. I was too busy to talk for a few days. Finally one night at 10pm I was cooking dinner and we talked. She talked about her frustration that I wasn’t cleaning and my dishes would sit a few days before I cleaned them. I apologized and said I would do better I’ve just been really busy (my dishes never sat for more than 3 days). She didn’t accept that and kept going in on me. She said that she was purposely on cleaning the side of the apartment near her room to “see if I would notice” and that she didn’t believe I would do better. I broke down crying I was running on no sleep and hadn’t eaten that day and I kept apologizing but it wasn’t enough. Eventually my food was cold and it was 20 minutes later and I had to stop the conversation. I heated my food up and went and cried in my room.
Fast forward to today, it’s my birthday. She didn’t remember or get me a gift. She also didn’t get me a Christmas gift. I made her one but haven’t given it to her. I made my own cake and two of her friends were going to come over and play games. But instead she went out to an interactive gaming place that she knows I love and said they would be back later. She left and I started crying because I’m now alone, making my own cake on my birthday.
So tomorrow I’m going to confront her about how she treats me. I want to continue to be her roommate and friend but idk how she feels so WIBTA?
Sounds like it’s your roommate and not your actual friend.
YWBTA. You seem to think that because she has access to funds, you can do less around the apartment. It doesn’t work that way. Leaving your dirty dishes for 3 days is unacceptable. I had a roommate like her once. The bottom line was that we were roommates, we were not “friends.” Once you accept that, it all falls into place. She clearly doesn’t want to be your bestie.
I’ve had roommates like that and learning to treat it strictly as living together and not friendship saved so much stress and kept the apartment from turning into a nightmare.
Hey, happy birthday!!! To be honest you sound like a super amazing and warm person who always puts others before yourself. Don’t worry about the dishes today, you are overworked. But to live with someone who constantly isn’t doing their dishes is tiring, and try to make it a goal to do them immediately after eating in the future. That is standard roommate behaviour if you want to avoid conflict (keeping the kitchen and bathroom clean). However, for today, can you meet up with anyone else and hang out with them instead? I really from the bottom of my heart wish you the best of years (even though it is having a bit of a rough start at the moment). You are so hard working and will do great in the future. Don’t give up! And it sounds like some distance from your roommate might be good, she also sounds like an asshole if she can see her friend cry out of exhaustion and still not be moved from that. Keep strong and happy birthday again 🙂
Not exactly the AH, but your wanting to confront her is pointless. Sometimes roommate situations just don’t work. Instead of confronting her, stick it out until the end of the lease, then make other living arrangements. By the way, leaving dishes sit for 3 days is unhygienic.
NAH
The underlying issue here is that you wish she’d see you more as a friend, but the reality is that this new living situation has put a lot of strain on your friendship.
The correct approach here is to not make excuses about your habits, take her feedback – try to be a better roommate. That’s the end of that conversation.
A totally separate conversation can then be started about how you want to be her friend but there were a few things that you found hurtful.
But I think you need to separate the roommate issues with the friendship issues. Also you need to let the $$ resentment go, that is a lifelong thing that you’re going to encounter with people more privileged than you.
NAH
I don’t think you would be an asshole for wanting to have a conversation about how you feel about your relationship.
Just be prepared, because your roommate might tell you that your expectations are too high because she doesn’t think of you as close friends in the same way you do. And she wouldn’t be the asshole for doing so either. As a roommate, her expectations are reasonable, even if as a friend they would be kinda shitty.
YTA
wash your dishes! Overnight is one thing (bad, but tolerable) 3 days?!?! How gross is that.
Your financial issues are not her problem. Clean up after yourself and do it immediately.
Look, I get that your schedule is difficult. But if you can’t even do things like your dishes, you need to make simpler things that don’t require as many dishes. You can’t use “I was so busy” as an excuse to be a slob.
If you don’t have time to do your dishes, bring them into your room so they don’t infringe on the general apartment. Do whatever it takes, but be a good roommate.
I’m sorry you are feeling lonely on your birthday. Rather than confronting her tomorrow, I would see if you could up your roommate game, and show that you don’t have to be a slobby roommate; that you can be a good roommate.
ESH – her for her timing, and you for being a slob – but I think you can do better!
No one‘s perfect. But there’s no reason dirty dishes should sit around for three days. If you wash them right after you use them, it won’t take that long and the mess won’t build up.
You should ALWAYS clean after yourself. It’s completely unacceptable to leave dirty dishes for days and expect your roommate to either clean after you or accept living in filth. You working more hours than your roommate doesn’t excuse you from cleaning after yourself.
Also, I don’t know what culture you’re from, but I would never expect birthday gifts or Christmas gifts from a roommate, unless we had mutually agreed upon a gift exchange in advance.
Yes, YWBTA. You have a harder financial situation but it’s totally not her fault and it’s normal for her to enjoy her parents help and focus on her studies. It’s not like you are supporting her living through your hard work and she is therefore expected to take care of the house. You making more or less money impacts her life in no way, but you not cleaning after yourself, does. Even if you’d be the bestest of friends, I can assure you that that friendship would very quickly perish if you’d expect your friend to constantly clean your mess or live in dirt.
If she needs to use the kitchen and the sink is full of dishes, she might not even have a choice but to clean them, to be able to properly use the sink.
Maybe she was your friend but after cohabitation she started seeing you differently and doesn’t wanna associate with you on a personal level anymore. Even married couples with kids get divorced for such reasons. You can imagine how a person that has no obligation towards you might feel.
Soft YTA
From what I can gather from your post, what exactly would you be confronting her about? That she’s asking you to clean the dishes sooner rather than later? That HER friends and herself didn’t hang out with you on your birthday? Yes, the birthday part sucks but it doesn’t sound like this was as close of a friendship as you thought it was. You guys played the same sport but that sounds to be like all you two had in common – did you guys hang out or talk outside of that? I think it’s also a little weird that you expected her friends to hang out with you on your birthday (unless they’re also your friends), was this planned beforehand?
You sound like a hardworking, nice person. Unfortunately, this friendship sounds superficial or more like an acquaintance.
Gentle YTA. If you’re splitting the rent 50/50, then the cleaning should also be 50/50.
Since you are just roommates, I don’t really think the fact that you work so much more than her is relevant. If you were in a relationship, then I would say that each of you might be picking up the slack for each other over the years. But you’re roommates, it’s more of a business relationship.
And the comments about her money and what her parents buy her are completely irrelevant and not your business.