TLDR: GF is struggling with language barrier during holidays in my home country. Should I just call it and cut the trip short?
I’m (28M, Brazilian) currently in Brazil with my girlfriend (I’ll car her Deb, 27F Australian) of almost 3 years. We are on our 7th day of a 35 days trip. This is Deb’s second time in Brazil, her first time was in April/24 for my brothers wedding – in which she had a similar not so good, yet better, experience.
This time around we came to meet my 2 month old nephew, for his christening, NYE with the fam and from 14/01 on we will travel around the country, to beach cities, visiting friends and having fun. I planned the whole trip, consulting her, and the way I structured it is: 18 days in my hometown where there’s not a lot to do apart from eating and drinking with family and friends, it’s also sadly not very safe for her to be doing activities alone. The second half of our trip will be in more touristic cities that we haven’t visited yet, with less "friends interactions" but more nature, beach etc…
I’ve also made sure to get Airbnb’s (instead of staying with family and friends) so we could have more privacy and time for each other.
However, she is currently struggling severely with the language barrier and feeling lonely when with my family. Although my younger relatives always put some effort into communicating and I try to make sure she’s alright, she still feels lonely in group settings when everyone is just speaking portuguese to each other. So far, these gatherings with the family have been 3 to 6 hours out of each day, and we have the rest of the day to do activities just the two of us: parks, long walks, restaurants. For her it doesn’t seem enough and these reunions are draining her poor soul.
Although I’m trying my best to be understanding and empathic, it seems like she doesn’t comprehend how big of a deal it is to spend time with my loved ones which I haven’t seen for 18 months. It also bothers me that she was aware of all details and was part of the trip’s planning.
Which leads to today where she took it really hard after a couple of hours of board games with my cousins and broke down on our way home. We are considering A: getting her a flight to a more touristic city by herself while I stay with the family; B: cutting her trip short and sending her back home while I stay with my family, which leaves our relationship in really bad waters…
I really don’t know what to do, we have 2/3rds of every day by ourselves then 3 to 6 hours with my family where she struggles, even though my brother and cousins do their best to make it pleasant for her.
Would appreciate any insights and opinions, would I be wrong by just wanting her to go back home since she is struggling so much?
You knowingly planned to stick her in a situation where she wouldn’t be able to communicate very well with people for 18 days and are somehow shocked it’s tough on her? Did you even use one brain cell when planning this?
She was aware of it, we extensively discussed it, booked an airbnb so we would have privacy and are planning trips to other narby towns for some quality time. I feel like she could get through 18 days with me seeing my family after not seeing them for 18 months, plus she can easily communicate with my younger relatives – the main struggle comes with group settings.
This part! Also does the family only speak Portuguese, or do they speak English too? Because if its the latter and they choose to only speak Portuguese even when she is directly participating in activities with them, I can understand her feeling of isolation. Seems like he did a lot of planning and gave zero consideration to the needs of his companion. 18 days surrounded constantly by people you want to know but can’t understand, stuck in an unsafe part of a foreign country, sounds miserable as all hell.
18 days with your family and friends in an area where there’s not much to do and is unsafe. Sounds great! I can’t imagine why she’s not having a good time.
This is as far as I read before I decided he was TA for even planning the trip in the first place.
INFO: Feel like the post is missing her perspective. Does she want to go home or stick it out? Does she feel bad, or is she being a jerk? If she expects you to cut YOUR trip with your family short, then she WBTA. If you’re annoyed that she’s having a difficult time, but she’s really trying her best, then you WBTA. A lot of it comes down to how your conversations are going.
I understand both sides here. I will say, 3 to 6 hours is a big range. 3 doesn’t seem too terrible, but 6 hours a day for over a month of not being able to understand the vast majority of conversation would be hard for anyone. It’s also not just the day-to-day social exhaustion – she may be struggling with the general lack of ability to connect with your family, particularly if you guys are in it for the long haul. She’s an outsider, and that’s hard.
A month is a long trip for anyone, language barrier or not. I know that a week into visiting my own family, language issues or not, I am burnt out. Is it possible to spend a day just the two of you to break things up?
Why can’t she stay at the airbnb for a couple of days without going over to your family’s? Just give her a bit of a break. Let her download and watch English movies, call her friends back home etc. Also, unless it’s torrential rain you could still go away somewhere for a few days. 18 days in one block is a long and stressful time if you don’t speak the language. Does no one at all in your family or friend group speak English, for her to talk to? I know this isn’t great, but I feel like sending her home would be the end of your relationship.
Could you order her some of those translation earbuds that go in your ear like a Babelfish? Also, why does she need to be with you 24/7? Even if she can’t go out and do activities on her own because of safety, I’d still prefer SOME alone time. You can go visit your family a few times without her and she can read a book, decompress, answer emails, learn to crochet, or do yoga from the comfort of your AirBnB. That way, she gets a much needed break, you get to spend time with your family, and you can still go out for part of the day as you have been doing. NAH
So I am actually in a similar situation but I am the GF. My BF is French and while I do have a slight grasp of the language (I’m learning), I do a lot of smiling and laughing along at long meals without understanding entirely what’s happening.
A few things to consider:
– Is she just feeling overwhelmed and will feel better after a nights sleep? I’ve definitely been there and have always felt better after a little bit of time to cool off.
– Do you translate for her at meals? Sometimes even getting a recap of a story or joke someone told makes me feel better/included even though it’s not “real time”.
– have you spoken with her about learning the language? If you guys are serious, it’s probably good for her to consider. It will take time but I do think it’s important (at least in my relationship).
Good luck! I actually cried leaving my BFs family Christmas/New Years because I’ve grown to adore his fam so much even with the language barrier. International relationships have their own challenges but I think are so amazing!
There are a plethora of translation apps. Can she not use one to help her?
I’m sorry but 3-6 hours, every day, for 18 days with pack full of family you don’t know and CANNOT talk to? yeah thats fucking tough. – it should NEVER have been planned this way. realistically the smart thing would’ve been you travel down alone, spend time with family, invite her to hangout with you/family for a week, then go do the other things.
you say “we spend 2/3s of the day together” – 1/3 is sleeping, the other third is probably showering, eating, getting ready and unwinding. so it’s not “2/3s” together.
Like you say you are trying to be empathetic, but you aren’t.
are you sitting with her and translating? like 18 days would be fine if you guys had things to do inbetween, so it wasn’t always just with her family, but that is EXTREMELY isolating. and I am indigenous, I’ve grown up in native households and communities and this is a VERY tough thing to handle, the issue isn’t your family talking in their native language, the issue is she is in a place consistently where she hears hundreds of conversations are happening and cannot understand or know whats going on, there is jokes happening around her, memories being brought up, communications happening – and she knows NONE of it. it’s isolating.
realistically, if this is a deal breaker – break up, and when you look for a new partner, make sure they speak Portuguese first.